Couple of dirty jokes - Page 7

! Now that's fuckin funny!

The Ranch (A little long, but what the hell)
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard workerwho put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

The Ranch

Surgeons

Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?

Two families move from India to America. When they arrive, the
fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win.
A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a a case of Bud for tonight. How about you?"


The second guy says: "Screw you, towel-head!"

Not dirty, but still good. lol.
- Towel Head! he he he he

- Pastor

Three Labrador retrievers-one brown, one yellow and one black-were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a wetter. I wet on everything-the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I wet in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!

She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up. "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody
pooper scooper, what do you call a Japanese drummer
boy whose father has diarrhea?



A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

LMFAO...

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open
on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

Whats the diference between a ugly girl and a bowling ball?

Worse comes to worse you can always eat the bowling ball

A young man is shiped out to a oil refinery in the middle east in the center of the desert. After a couple of days of getting his surroundings down he becomes bored and asks what the guys do for fun. The foreman says there are no women for miles but there is the barrel. He asks "Whats the barrel.". The boss takes him out behind the tool shed and shows him an old beaten up barrel with a knothole in it. The man is so shocked he goes back to his tent and thinks about nothing more than work for three more weeks. But after a while he sucumbs and heads out behind the tool shed. The next morning he heads off to work with a smile on his face. The boss asks him "What's got you so happy." "Well last night I folded and used the barrel and it was damn good. I think I will use it everynight." . " Well I glad you enjoyed it but you can't use it on wednesdays." " Well why not wednesdays what's so special bout then." With a smile the old man says " Well son thats your day in the barrel."

Barrel- oh my god that was funny!
For those of you who watch what you eat...
Here's the final word on nutrition and health,
and it's a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine
and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians,
British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the Canadians, British or Americans.
6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of
perogies,cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the Canadians, British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is a
pparently what kills you!!

Why is men's piss yellow and their sperm white?


So guys know whether they're coming or going.

There's a seperate Joke Thread for man-bashing, he he he, j/k!

The Relay Swimmer This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights, and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. After about twenty minutes of wild sex, they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's really pleased to have met this guy. At this point, the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass, and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.
Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same sweltering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola! Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed... ...only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.