Couple of dirty jokes - Page 8

Naked Handstands!

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem.

The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go
behind
the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead
anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of
and
facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but
if
it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the
doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs
and
when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on
her
private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes'
type
noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main
cause
of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid
before
going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."

Dying For Sex

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an
apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it
was
too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a
mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if
anything
had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started
moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I
thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."




Turner Brown


Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy
standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,
looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs.
Turner Brown."

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels
down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks, "Are you Ok??"

In a weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?

The big dude says," When I saw the curious look on your face, I just
figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh
3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said Turn Around".

It's funny that jokes tend to change as they change hands. I think this joke is hilarious, but I heard it way different, lol.

Cheap or Frugal?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it sooooooooooooo much cheaper.

So . . . . . . I figure if I have to roll my own . . . . . . so does she.

LMAO!!!


Grab My Breasts!

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted
to
return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her
that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my
Breasts!
Grab my breasts!"

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who
asked
her if he can help.

She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for
refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she
bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that
particular phrase.

She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting
screwed!"



Crotch Shot!

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them
slices her shot into a foursome of men.

To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his
crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a
physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies
quietly with his hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the
front
of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still
hurts like hell!"

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! ROFLMAO!

That was hella funny! When I first scrolled downon this page all I could see was

quote:

---

LMAO!!!

Grab My Breasts!

---

Oh my god that was funny.

An 80 year old man goes to see the doctor and asks him if he could reach the 100. the doctor says:"depends. Do you smoke?"
-"no! i never did, i never will!"
-"do you drink?"
-"no, I never did, i never will!" the old man answers.
-" and what about sex?"
-"I didn't have sex since my wife died 30 years ago."
The doctor takes a strange look at the old man and then asks:"so why the hell you wanna live another 20 years?"

A sailor reaches land for the first time after 3 months and goes to a whore. he pays her for a blowjob. so she gets started. she's trying hard for 10, 20, 40 minutes, but nothing happens. after some time she stops and asks the sailor:"what's wrong? why isn't your dick getting hard?"
the sailor answers:"hard? it's not supposed to become hard, but clean!"

A blonde woman, a black woman and a hispanic woman were traveling across the country by jet. Half way through the trip, the pilot comes on the intercom and announces, "I have some bad news. We are having major engine trouble and a crash is inevitable, so please prepare yourself."

The blonde immediately opens her purse and frantically touches up her makeup. The Hispanic woman says, "What are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going to a party!"

The blonde answers, "I know, but I heard that they always save the beautiful people first in a crash."

The Hispanic woman then goes through her purse and puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as a gift.

The black woman see this and asks, "Girl, are you crazy? What are you doing?"

The Hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash, they always look for the rich people first."

The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt and panties. The other two women ask her what she is doing.

"I don't know where you two get your information, but when I see a plane crash on the news, the most important thing is finding the black box!"

This one isn't as dirty as the ones I've been posting but hope you enjoy anyway!



A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Redneck are captured by a fierce tribe of Indians. The chief walks up to them and says, "I have bad news and good news. The bad news is you will all die, and we will use your skin to make canoes. The good news is you can choose the way you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." When given the poison, the Frenchman shouts, "Viva la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me." When given the pistol, the Englishman puts the gun to his head and shouts, "God save the queen!", and shoots himself in the head.

The Redneck asks for a fork. Puzzled, the chief hands the Redneck a fork, and he begins stabbing himself all over his body, his stomach, his sides, his chest ... everywhere. As the blood from the redneck begins gushing out all over, the chief is appalled and screams, "What are you doing?"

The Redneck looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, Bubba!".

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

~That was flippin funny man, he he he...

Oxy Tub

That was good firebird...


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

Sex and The Country

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny new Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear fender of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with
the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral...)
"When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."