Couple of dirty jokes - Page 10

Two Grannies & The Naked Man!

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"

Doing It Cajun-Style!

Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady's been pregnant for some time, and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"?

Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too."

Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had youself another boy!"

When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Boudreaux exclaimed, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"

You know those parents who have all those kids. Now I know how that happens.

Presidential Pee-Pee!

Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said," when I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Smell My Finger, Redneck!

This guy was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer, and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this redneck Game Warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave when the Game Warden says "Not so fast,
Boy. I need to inspect the deer."

The Game Warden then reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger.

The Game Warden gets angry then says "Wait a minute Boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer; this here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you Boy?"

Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet hand pulls out a Virginia Hunting License.

The Game Warden looks at the valid license and disappointingly says, "Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on, get out of here."

The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same Game Warden who says "Just a minute Boy. I need to inspect the deer."

He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his finger and says, "Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?"

The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the Game Warden, who again has to let him go.

So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a deer; one from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the Game Warden stops to do the Finger Test, and each time the hunter is able to produce the correct license.

Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious, "Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the south! Where the hell are you from, anyway?"

The hunter drops his pants, bends over and says "You tell me!"

Very Naughty Quickies! - Part 1

1. What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
---They both wiggle when you eat them.

2. What is a Yankee?
---The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What do women and condoms have in common?
---They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
---Odor eaters.

5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
---A Lickalotopuss.

6. Why do men name their penis?
---They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
---Snowballs.

8. What does a rooster have that a man wants?
---A hard pecker.

9. What kind of bees give milk?
---Boo bees.

10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
---Speed bumps.

11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
---They both like a tight seal.

12. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
---If it were more, it would be Hell.

Very Naughty Quickies! - Part 2

13. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
--- The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

14. What is the new gay Internet address?
---c: enter

15. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
---They're right! We do taste like chicken!

16. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
---The balls are just for decoration.

17. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
---What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

18. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
---They have no balls to scratch

19. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
---Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole
chicken.

20. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
---About three inches.

21. How do you make a hormone?
---Don't pay her.

22. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
---A Megasorass.

23. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
---One..Men will screw anything.

24. What do Michael Jackson and a grocery bag have in common?
---They are both made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with.

25. What is the mating call of a blonde?
--- "I'm sooooo drunk!"

Mom, I'm gay

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

11 Types Of Women In The Powder Room

Indifferent

Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop," pulls crotch of panties aside and squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like a bucket of water being poured from third story window.

Cautious

Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that she straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.

Worried

A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.

Conceited

Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the other girls high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates that such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker and stinks like a goat.

Sloppy

Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet
seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets to flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in panties.

Timid

Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly, flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out blushing.

Cross-Eyed

Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor. Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can and carries a box of Kleenex in her purse.

Frivolous

Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Literary

Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames "Forever Amber" for her piles.

Big Time

Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been to bed with a man.

Drunk

Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter, pees for awhile singing happy little songs. Suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably as she realizes that she forgot to pull her panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and sob.


Generic Viagra?

All Drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is Acetaminophen

Advil is Ibuprofen

And so on...

So....What's the generic name for Viagra?

Mycoxafailin!

haha i've read all of them and been trying to write my name under a category ......i think i'll be the drunk

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had
been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They
were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend
however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home. The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other, "Mine came back with a
card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said 'From
all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What
is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's'. Then you try and stay on for eight seconds."

Haven't read ALL the jokes here... so forgive me if this ones already here... my friend Marie just told me this one tho, thought id share

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

-- A woman won't accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy

woo hoo !
that's a good one
short jokes are the best ones, they don't take much time plus if you don'g get a long joke you get pissed off because you stpent all this time listening to it or reading it and it's not even funny