Couple of dirty jokes - Page 3

Here's a real good viagra joke. Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30." The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter? "You probably could, if you took 2 pills," said the first man.

*laughing my ass off*-My new nickname "Likalotapus", he he he he

> Sex and Exercise - calorie counter
>
>It's been known for years that sex is good exercise, but until recently
>nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of
>different sexual activities. Now, for the first time in the Western
>World, here are the true caloric benefits of sex.
>
>REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
>With consent.......................................12 Calories
>Without consent..................................187 Calories
>
>OPENING HER BRA:
>With both hands...................................8 Calories
>With one hand......................................12 Calories
>With your teeth.....................................85 Calories
>
>PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
>With an erection....................................6 Calories
>Without an erection...............................315 Calories
>
>PRELIMINARIES:
>Trying to find the clitoris........................8 Calories
>Trying to find the G-Spot.......................92 Calories
>
>POSITIONS:
>Missionary.............................................12 Calories
>69 lying down....................................... 78 Calories
>69 standing up.....................................112 Calories
>Wheelbarrow........................................216 Calories
>Doggy Style.......................................... 326 Calories
>Italian chandelier.................................. 912 Calories
>
>ORGASM:
>Real..................................................112 Calories
>False...............................................315 Calories
>
>POST ORGASM:
>Lying in bed hugging............................ 18 Calories
>Getting up immediately......................... 36 Calories
>Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.....816 Calories
>
>GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
>If you are:
>20-29 years old..................................... 36 Calories
>30-39 years...........................................80 Calories
>40-49 years........................................... 124 Calories
>50-59 years...........................................972 Calories
>60-69 years...........................................2916 Calories
>70 and over.............................................Death
>
>DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
>Calmly...............................................32 Calories
>In a hurry...............................................98 Calories
>With her FATHER knocking at the door......1218 Calories
>With your WIFE knocking at the door...........3521 Calories
>
>Sounds like a great plan to me. Weight Watchers has nothing on this plan!

Tis quite wrong.

Headache..........trying to get sex...............5000 calories

Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God... And what about uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is
awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs.
He says "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking
for abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her
breast. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies
"Yes, checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells he takes off
her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts
having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here."

'Uncle Frank':
Damnit that was funny, thanks Kookie!
*Roflmao*

Kevin sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." Kevin leaves.

A few days later the Kevin sticks his head in the door again and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." He leaves.

A week later the Kevin sticks his head in the shop again and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

He leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

-Barber Shop...lol

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and
points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best piece of ass in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and
walks up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just
did your mother, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to let this get to him, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

"And you know what?" the guy says returning once again. "Your mother was
squealing the whole time!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says
"You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them
together." Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer
for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Ok...last one until tomorrow




A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

Ha! I feel sorry for Tony. (Not to say I wouln't have done the same though!)

Four beautiful ladies walked into a hotel to stay in for the night, the name of the hotel read, "Pleasure Giving Hotel For Women" The ladies were convinced and walked in. On the first floor a sign read, 'the men on this floor are not good at having sex, but are very gentle and very tempting'. The ladies were not satisfied and they walked to the second floor which a sign read, 'the men on this floor are good at having sex but are very rude and self-considerate' The ladies were once again not satisfied and went on to the third floor where a sign said, 'There are nothing wrong with the men on this floor, they're good at having soft sex they are very nice, gentle and hot' the four ladies were tempted to go in but decided to go to the last floor to see what was in it, when they got there they saw a sign that said, 'There is absolutaly no one on this floor, this floor was just made to show that there is no way to plaese a woman'