Why men really will never understand women

As one naturally inclined to cynicism it is probably only fitting that the end of a three year relationship was brought about by the fact that I was too "good" a boyfriend. My ex made the decision that she wanted to get to know herself better and see how she dealt with the big bad world without having the shoulder to cry on that a long term relationship afforded. My thoughts on the matter were that I already know what I'm like and how I deal with things, and from that I see that I'm a loner who wishes he had more company but hates being in any group of people large than 3, so is naturally suited to the intimate 1 to 1 situation in a relationship. She of course still wants to be friends, however I don't. I want to still be in the relationship, as we moved from very close friends to dating as a natural furthering of our feelings in the first place, why take a step in the opposite direction. In my opinion there is realistically little or no difference between true friends and a healthy romantic attachment other than the physical side of the relationship, while it is true that most friendships are usually less than a "true" friendship, I don't believe that I could be anything less than a true friend to someone I know as well as I know my ex.

But enough depressing mutterings from me, I shall go forth and enjoy my life life of singledom.

Bullshit!!

she'll come back and be like "I don't know why I left you in the first place" ha...

Good luck with what you do chum...

I hope things only get better...

thats a good better...

ah, I LOVE that excuse. It's so ass backwards. I'd question your ex's mental stability if I were you. But then, I do that with most people.

This kind of thing can really shake up a person's confidence, but just try to keep cool and really understand what this relationship truly was and is.

Basically I think it translates as "I'm bored of being in a long term relationship", and I can't really argue with her on that one, most people don't really expect to be permanently in a relationship which started when they were 15.

I think my mental stability is the part to be questioned, I'm irritated and upset about the whole thing, but then I'm still laughing at the sheer irony of her reasoning.

And my dear Cynic, while you are embracing singledom for just a while, enjoy it! For I am quite confident when I predict hoards of sweet young things clamoring blindly in your direction, and beating upon your door to compete for your favor and attentions…
For your wit, good looks, and superior intelligence…

Tread lightly now so as not to draw their attention, and avoid the wearing of any fragrance, or leather (haha). Then hurl yourself at your work allowing your computer to become your ally and your Internet friends your confidants. Your obvious talent will not be easy to disguise…take great care now.

erm......... thanks (I think) Chiron for those words of kindness (probably).

The unfortunate problem of the situation hinges on the fact that it is not a clean break up because she isn't sure whether or not she actually wants to end the relationship, and I know I don't, which is causing major confusion. Basically her issues seem to be that she has got to the stage in the relationship where she is beginning to take my presence for granted, and she doesn't want to do that (understandably), but as she puts it it's hard to miss me if I'm always around. This situation occurs all the time with various activities etc, where the problem is easily solved by simply taking a break from that activity, but when the "activity" is a relationship, the problem becomes infinitely more complex, how does one go about taking a break from a relationship without hurting the other person (if the other person doesn't feel the same way).

It sounds like this has a lot to do with creating romance, which a lot of women don't understand properly and a lot of guys suck at until they are 35 lol. If you are always available and always nice, perhaps she feels she has nothing to do in the relationship and has therefore become bored. A classic problem for the “nice guy.”

I tend to agree with Wyote here, you are going to have to toughen up on this girl Cynic.
Do not let on that you are the one wanting to save this relationship. Perhaps withdraw a little, observe her from a distance with a cool cynical gaze.

She sounds like she may have become a little spoiled. Maybe a walk on the wild side might shake her up a bit and help her recognize a good thing when its right in front of her.

Hey Cynic-AI you are pretty dang lucky, my ex wasnice sweet wild but sweet then she had to ask me the question after she claimed me to be hers forever. "do you love me?"
What was i supposed to say? I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND YOUR THE ONE THAT TOLD THE WHOLE SCHOOL WE WERE GOING OUT BEFORE YOU TOLD ME!!!!!. that was a bit of a shock.
Then when i did tell her in a gentle way she said "okay i understand thanks for telling me rather than later."
That was the only response that would have gotten me worried. And it did.

By the way hows it going with your ex?

We have currently agreed that we will just ignore each others existence for the exam period, and then meet up after the exams, Unfortunately being the nice guy (and possibly more than a little head over heels for her) means that I don't want to hang around waiting for her to get in touch after the exams, but I'm intending to try and leave it up to her to get in contact.

I also agree with Wyote Chiron, the problem is of course actually managing the toughening up. We have been together for 3 years and were very close friends for a year before that, so even when she was trying to end it I was the one providing the shoulder to cry on while she did, cos she's my gf and my best friend. I am just gonna have to try and force her to put some effort into the relationship, and I've known that for some time, the problem is that around exam periods she retreats into her room and stays there revising madly, so I have to chase her up if I want to see her. Hopefully after the exams are over though things can get sorted though.

Maybe she just wants some time out because of the exams. Perhaps making love to you just puts all thoughts of studying out of her mind and she wants to concentrate just on that for a while.

Once her exams are out of the way she'll want a friendly and farmiliar face to share it with - and I bet it'll be you!

Her wanting time out of socialising is nothing unusual during the exam period, but she needs dragging out of her room every now and then otherwise she will just sit there all by herself and get more and more stressed, and I think this was brewing long before the exam period started.

quote:

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I am just gonna have to try and force her to put some effort into the relationship, and I've known that for some time, the problem is that around exam periods she retreats into her room and stays there revising madly, so I have to chase her up if I want to see her.

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OK, well ya see this changes everything now, and I'm going to have to switch from my previous position to one that is more in line with Sorceress now.

People cope with exam-stress differently, and if shes telling you to back off because of exams then you should do so. Because otherwise you are being the very cause of the break up by adding pressure where none is wanted (regardless of whether or not you feel she needs a break).

If when eager to see her you could instead provide some assistance ... as in cooking the odd meal, or running an errand.. that could alleviate her pressure, and this would put you right back up the pound seats after all.

My own bias for your side of the story had led me to assume that she was just wanting to stretch her wings a bit and fly away...
Meanwhile she is just trying to focus all her efforts on the exams, and is finding you a bit of a distraction.

Anyway, I know you already know all about this, so I'm just posting my support for you, thats all.

The exam situation is totally unrelated, and Gem has admitted previously that she needed me to pull her away from revision every now and then.

The reason she gave me for going on a break is that she feels that she takes me for granted and knows that she shouldn't, but in order to actually miss me and realise what she had, she has to get me out of her life for a while, after all it's kinda hard to miss anyone you see on a regular basis. So all contact between the two of us is suspended until the 8th of June (day after my final exam of the year).

Tell her you lover her then let her be for a while. Let her brood or think or whatever she needs to do.

Good luck.