Why men really will never understand women - Page 2

Sounds like she's just been listening to the latest Pink song too much.

Seriously, I feel for you Al, as you and I are in the exact same situation. I think we need to meet down the local to drown our sorrows. Ill meet you there in half an hour.

You do sound like a nice guy and it always seems like the "nice" guy is just not what women really want. I have never understood that. They all say they want a man who is honest, kind, caring, considerate, thoughtful, loving romantic, faithful etc.

But when you give them all those things, they still aren't happy.

And even worse, so many women I know gravitate to men they know will hurt them.

I was told this is to do with their upbringing quite often. Because their father is their first conscious and subconscious experience of love- they come to subconsciously relate that man and his characteristics with love when they grow up. So if they had a bad father, they cant help but look for men like him.

Its amazing how many women get into relationship after relationship with men that treat them like dirt then ask, "Is it me? What am I doing wrong?"

I think its not THEM, but their choice of men.

And men will play on that low self esteem to keep them where they want them.

This is something I am having to deal with. Like you, I have been close to someone for the last 3 years.

And I dont want to lose them. But the last two months has been a very hard battle to keep them.

Ive wanted to post about this situation for a long time as Id really like some advice. But its been just too raw and fresh for me to talk about in detail.

But since Al is having the exact same issue I cant help but feel compelled to open up a little and give a few thoughts on it myself.

The person I am close to has had the exact same life as I mentioned. Abusive parents, then a long string of scumbag boyfriends who abused her both physically and psychologically.

And of course this has really skewed her view on men. It has taken me 3 years to make her feel comfortable and not overreact to every little thing I do or say.

And finally when I feel she has begun to accept that not all men are out to hurt her, something happened to set all this patience and positive love back.

I wont go into it, as its personal, but a third party told me some things about her past which really blew me away. They aren't bad things. Its just that I cant believe she wouldn't tell me such important things about herself or trust me enough to know Id still love her for who she was.

Then when I tried to talk to her about it, she freaked and accused me of spying and gossiping and being worse than all her other ex's and trying to hurt her (Which wasn't the case. I didn't even ask to be told.) and has told me she wants to end the relationship.

Its like she has had a relapse and all her past issues have come to haunt her again. And it seems that I am the one copping a lifetime of emotional baggage.

She says that Im the most amazing man in the world and didn't believe a man like me existed till now.

But when Im told about her past, instead of telling me sorry for keeping it secret, she attacks me and wants out of the relationship.

Despite all this, Ive done my best to deal with the hurt she has done to my heart and to understand her. Ive forgiven her and am trying to see things from her point of view. And Im trying to reconcile us.

So even though you say men will never understand women. (I certainly dont.) I would go so far as to say: Men don't understand themselves. Women dont understand themselves. So there is NO way we can expect to understand our sexual opposites until weve first understood oursleves.

Sounds like your situation is fairly similar to mine, my girlfriend (as she technically still is for the moment) has had a slightly rocky road through life, not too bad, but her parents are divorced and the word mother should only be used in the loosest biological terms when talking about hers, and her dad while he would be there for them lived the other side of the country (but still sees her every week, we're not a very big country). Her mum is seriously bitter about men in general so that may have some influence, and her dad has had an interesting love life as well so parental experience is nothing something she'd want to try. I'm her first boyfriend though, so she doesn't have the emotional baggage of previous assholes screwing her perception of men.

My gf doesn't hate me for anything I've "found out" about her or anything like that, it just seems to be unrest at having been in a relationship for 3 years at this age, and the fact that she feels bad because I am always there for her and she takes it for granted a bit. The whole 3 years at this age thing may possibly have something to do with her parents relationship though, they started dating aged 15 and 17 or something like that and stayed together got married had kids and then divorced about 2 years after the 3rd child was born.

I would happily meet you down the local if it were not for the fact that you're about 24 hours flight from me

I really feel for you guys and your girls. The trouble with having a relationship when you have serious emotional problems of your own past to deal with is trying to keep them separate. Cynic-al your girl friend probably felt she didn't want to polute what could be a really pure and loving relationship with you (which to her is probably a rare thing) with what she feels is dirty and painful about her past. She wants the two things to be completely separate in her mind.

nice imput sorceress. Man, does it ever make you wonder why things incluence us and make our behavior odd or different?

Ack. I cant believe I posted that last post.

I promised myself I wouldn't ever bring my personal life onto this site.

I guess the time Ive spent here has changed me a little. And maybe I feel that I can trust the people Ive gotten to know here to give me some advice.

So, though I feel bad about opening up so deeply, I can handle my posts about this being up here for one purpose...

That someone else out there may read them and get some small insight from my experiences that better prepares them for thier own life and their own love.

Id take the discomfort of what Im feeling about all this to know I helped another like myself in their search for happiness.

Sorceress. I think you were referring to my girlfriend in your last post. And yes, possibly you are correct. I think she wanted a clean break when she met me.

But like I said, nothing she has done in her past was bad in any way. She just didn't tell me a whole lot of stuff about it and I had to hear it from a third party by accident.

Anyone in my situation would automatically feel that if the person they are close to cannot tell you such simple things about themlves they may be hiding other worse things.

It has destroyed my trust and my faith in this relationship.

But what the worst part of it was: I was made out to be the bad guy in all this.

That REALLY hurt me.

I forgave her for her deception. But she chose to become angry at me.

I know the reason she is doing this is to take the guilt she must be feeling away from herself. She's externalising her pain and transferring it onto me. Its easier than dealing with the truth to her I guess. And since she feels I have caused her pain by reminding her of her past, she feels justified in her anger at me.

Still, I just wish that I could settle down and love somebody without all the corruption of the world coming to tear it apart.

You will one day, I'm sure, you sound like a really sensitive and loving person and you deserve a happy life and a fulfilling relationship.

Thanks for all the comments guys, but I'm afraid to say it's over. She just doesn't want to be in a relationship any more, but we intend to stay friends.

That's too bad cynic-al, I feel I know you a little bit passing silly comments back and forth on this site. I hope you find someone who deserves you cos you sound like a really genuinely nice guy.

Sorry to hear that Cynic Al.

I was wondering (if you dont mind talking about it.) what her final reason was for deciding this?

Also, how you feel about being "just freinds" after being so intimate?

As for me, Im still in that limbo state of uncertainly. The same one Ive been in for the last 3-4 months.

I wonder why put ourselves into these situations.

Her final reason for deciding to break up was simply that she no longer wanted to be in a long term relationship, regardless of how she felt about me.

I don't really know how I feel about just being friends, in some ways it means I only really lose the physical intimacy that we had, because we couldn't be anything less than very good friends considering quite how well we know each other and just how much we have relied upon each other in the past, we were also good friends before we started dating and pretty much best friends throughout the relationship. On the other hand it is somewhat painful in that it means I have to pretend I have no romantic feelings for her while still being around her or chatting on the phone. It's just a bit weird, and I can't really imagine what it would be like if I got another girlfriend (at least how Gem would react around me), though fortunately for me she seems just to not want to be in a relationship atm so I shouldn't have to go through that pain. I hope that despite the fact that I have lost my girlfriend, that I will manage to retain my best friend.

I think being in that limbo state for 3 weeks of it being blindingly obvious that it was limbo, and the previous 4 months of her just being slightly off with me, kinda actually softened the blow of her ending things when she did. I lost my girlfriend but at times she was going out of her way to make that idea seem appealing, so I also lost the pain of having her anger at her own confusion aimed in my direction.

I'm not really sure why we put up with it, I think we do it for the memory of what we had and what things can be like when everything is going okay. We feel that if we just hang on and try and work through it things can go back to being the way they were (or different but as rewarding), the problem is that sometimes we're the only one who thinks that working through it will actually work, which makes things worse on both sides, we try and put more effort in and the other side just fights harder against that effort because they think we're wasting our time, and unfortunately that quickly become a self fulfilling prophecy. (almost as quickly as this became and essay in fact)

What's there to understand about women? Either she wants a relationship with you or she doesn't.

Your problem is that you can't cope with losing her and all the gratification that came along with her.