Faith we have to lie and deny to get by

All I Ever Wanted To Break


Only fate, along with whatever faith in inevitability made it easy not to test me. Only that enemy....and not whatever belief makes any of us eager to be more than the worst we can afford to be. It hasn't been easy, and cost me dearly to get enough self-respect to consider myself more worthy than lucky...but I now see the difference between what's there and my own projections a little bit closer to clearly. It wasn't your willingness I wanted to shatter...just the illusions that cling to us, so we can see the difference between true dreaming and wishful thinking. now it seems like we're surrounded by all that's shattered....but if you sweep away the shards, you'll see for yourself only the individual has passed or failed on any level, not the validity of disbelief or reason to think we can be reasonable about the differences in our beliefs.

Maybe you thought I wanted to banish all the gods so the devil could sit on that gilded throne....but it was the majesty of the chair that's been tarnished all along, like any absolute trust in unquestionable leadership made to mislead us. What's real in theology still doesn't mean very much to me....what we do with it determines far more than any facts or hopeful prayers. Same goes for politics and philosophy....for the guiding axioms override all the supposed differences in each, they're really just arenas that reveal what we fight for or against in all aspects. That's why I have to laugh when you label me anything but human only...for any suspicion I might be channeling doesn't dismiss my responsibilities regarding all I say or do, in my name or any other. You think me untrue, but being contrarian only determines what's strong enough to be a firm foundation and what will fall apart under future stress. Your convictions are more than honest...they're trustworthy in every way that regards us as relative equals, with no need to shame themselves with any assumption of inherent superiority.

The cost is something I try not to count too often, for the fear it'll destroy my willingness to be sincerely honest instead of fatuously appeasing...but sadly enough I suspect I can always count on it, that'll I'll always be counted out if I don't comply with the fear that firms up conformity and corrodes our integrity. But whether dammed as an atheist or distrusted as a devil means little....for I can't let loneliness overturn my own convictions, I can only coexist with who's willing and walk away from those who insist I always follow their way or take the highway. That's why I've spent so long walking the lower roads...just to avoid being lied to in ways I'm eager to believe, just to avoid the idiotic snobbery that makes any smart-ass group of us stupid enough to assume the best of only us, however we classify the difference between us and them. It's all the same in the end, still an individual decision....and I'd rather accept derision as just desserts for making dumb-ass mistakes, than praise for the same from anyone I consider my peer.

I fear I take it all too far, easily come across as willing to judge everyone as harshly as I do myself. But sometimes the urge to give myself no credit relents, enough to mention how much more credit I give to anyone who isn't me deserving. Judging others as the worst in me does myself in an honor I only bestow on the aspiring deities among us...and pretty much anyone who considers themselves above question by our species. Whether I believe, have faith in or trust either the idea or the possible reality of any devil and deity isn't the question, really...what we do with and by all we love is far more ultimate to me, more overriding than any similarities or differences dividing or uniting us. If that makes me damaged goods beyond salvage to another, so be it....for anything worth having in relation isn't about looking flawless, but dealing with our imperfections with more grace than it takes to be a con-artist or a shrill shill.


Was only the temptation to be fake...Samuel Bear Davis...

As usual very... unique!

....thanks, just cramming in what I can before I go offline for a while...

I like your writing! I like almost anything different!