How To Get Over My Mother

Up until about 7 years ago I thought my mother was an angel, that she was like my dearest friend, that she more than anyone else in the world cared about me and that we shared a special bond.

Since about 7 years ago I have been discovering how much of a lie that perception I had was, and infact that perception was created in me as a result of repression, neglect and the false persona my mother exudes.

I hardly ever speak to her now, and I still have unresolved emotions in regards to her which bother me tremendously and causes me anguish. I called her a few nights ago in the midst of despair and was on the phone with her for about an hour and a half. Towards the end and afterwards I felt worse than I did before I phoned her. I ended up feeling this deep drain and deadness which is actually not new to me - I have experienced this before after speaking to her. But this time it was so heavy and I suppose I was so aware of it that it affected me in a way I had not anticipated - you see, before the phone call somewhere in my mind I had basically concluded that I would see her again in an effort to seek whatever it is I need to be free of her. But since the phone call I feel it would be very bad for me to be in contact with her, that seeing her would not provide me with anything other than more lies which I would have to sift through.

What really bothers me is that I have dreams (as in when I'm sleeping) with her in it regularly and in the mornings when I wake from these dreams it's a huge weight on me - yesterday morning was one of those mornings. I wake and it feels like a portion of my mind is trying to figure out why this liar is still in my head. I don't recall what yesterday morning's dream was about anymore, but what I usually wake with as a result of these dreams is a feeling of negativity, like coming out of an unpleasant experience. Given that it's usually this way, where the dreams don't leave me with a positive feeling but rather a depressive one, I don't really understand why these dreams occur - it's not like I wake up feeling like hugging her or feeling warm towards her.

Perhaps there is a severe discord in my emotions towards her, like perhaps the dreams are caused by some part of me that is holding on to her, but because I have so much anger and bitterness towards all the ways in which she has mistreated me and lied to me, I can't pinpoint the source of the attachment my subconscious might have towards her. So instead of unearthing that connection, I repel it so much that I lose access to it. Hmm.. which makes me think that maybe my previous idea of seeing her was correct somehow, that although I feel very VERY opposed right now towards having any more contact with her, that I may need to do so in order to un-repress my emotions.

Another possibility that comes to my mind is that although I have gotten angry at her on a number of occasions, I haven't actually released my anger towards her, like I haven't really communicated why I am so angry at her (note: or have I and I just don't feel like I have because she never listens???). Is it possible that such things need to be expressed in order to really move on from someone. I don't know. Because what if she was to die right now, she would no longer exist for me to express those things to her, then what would I do? Meditate. Right now I feel that meditating is what I would rather do than see her again. She is a sickening thought to me and the idea of interacting with her right now literally makes me feel light headed.

I wonder if we all have this thick attachment to our mothers, that is very hard to overcome even when we realize that we were fooled by them and that they were bad for us. I wonder if the attachment stems from a place where the child specifically wants to help their mother overcome whatever it is that is caging the mother - like we all know that our mothers are fundamentally not free people, far more unfree than our fathers, and being young children raised by these unfree individuals we were able to catch glimpses into their innocence - because people tend to feel less threatened around babies and young children which could instigate moments where their guard/insecurities are down - and so perhaps as children our empathy especially attached to this unfree individual in whom we saw some innocence. And as a result, we try to free them as we grow older, buy her gifts, provide her with advice, try to make her feel good about herself. And as she rejects all these things, we grow frustrated and are left with this invisible uncut and detrimental umbilical cord. I want to severe my cord with her, permanently. I don't want her to be my mother, I want her to be just some person part of my past, not part of my present without any hope of her being part of my future.

first of all i'm sorry that you're going through this. sounds awful!
you mention that up until seven years ago you considered your mother an angel and now she is little more than dirt under your shoe. what happened, if you don't mind me asking, that caused you to see her in such a different light?

i grew up with a step mother who openly and freely hated my guts from the start so there was no illusions of bonding etc.
i think it would be worse the way you are experiencing it though. to feel betrayed by the one person you should never feel that way about.

I read your message. Dawn: I find myself in a very similar situation and feeling the need to comment on your situation as well as share my own.

Personally, I have deemed my mother as not providing enough emotional nurturing for me over the past few years. This started a few years ago, and one day I approached her (in tears, admittedly, and in an emotional mess) about it, receiving the response "I am not a warm, fuzzy person." About a year after that, I confronted her as not acting like the parent she should be; much of the argument now eludes me, but it ended when she told me to "sit the fuck down." To which I refused, which has started quite the war. It has lasted a good 6 months now at least.

As an undergraduate psychology student, I still live at home with my mother, constantly ignoring her (which my two brothers and father berate me for constantly). Just today, my brother left the room in tears after I had explained to him rationally that my mother does not treat me as I want to be treated, and that her ability to "parent me" is insufficient. And to be fair, at 23, I do not need so much parenting. Trying to show my mother how cruel she unknowingly was to me has pitted my family against me, for the most part.

In this regard, I spent at least 6 months in a psychologist's chair justifying my battle with my mother, undergoing a panic attack over it, attempting to reconcile (and failing) and maybe somewhat coming to terms about it (I say somewhat because I still get emotional and upset about it, I just handle it better on the outside).

In regards to your story Dawn, my own experience have taught me a few things that may be relevant to you.

What you feel is SO natural. We are all attached to our mothers: That is natural. But sometimes we disconnect. Maybe mommy wants to exercise more control over you than you feel comfortable with. Maybe she changed (like mine did). I think if you can sever your emotional connection to your mother, then maybe that is what you should do. But if not, then I believe talking about it as much as possible to others and using rational thought to justify why you cannot talk to her or be around her is the answer.

Think of it like a relationship: Breaking up is hard to do, and gets harder as the relationship gets longer. So imagine breaking up after 20 years of a tightly-bound relationship (relation-shit, in some cases). Whether the relationship was good or not, it was a huge part of your life. It was and is hard for me to do, too. It is hard to justify cutting off your mother, especially when no one takes your side (my family just yelled at me as a collective tonight).

Talking with trusted others, rationalizing your thoughts with evidence as to why you shouldn't be around her and solidifying your belief in yourself are ways I have been coping with cutting my mother out of my life. Maybe you can use the same strategies to cope as well.