I really need advice.

Hello.

I wasn't sure under which section should I post this, so I apologize if I made a mistake.

I'm almost 20 years old at the moment.

I'll start from the beginning. I come from a loving family, father was a bit strict and had some drinking issues, but over all, a loving family. I've always been shy, quiet and easily influenced. When I changed school after 4th grade, like most kids I was bullied. (I don't want to make it seem like I'm a special case, but I'll tell in details)

As I mentioned I'm easily influenced, it's same back then. Often I was used as a tool for someones evil deeds.(As a child I thought, I'm doing it on my own, but clearly it's me being made to believe that I chose to do it on my own) People often pretended to be on my side, pretended to be friends just to stab me in the back. But my parents somewhat encouraged me to stand up, rather than to be a pawn I'd be in a hostile(more like neutral, but it wasn't possible back then for me) relationship with someone who could manipulate me. And then for 4 years I was constantly bullied. No one was beating me up, but I was made fun of. It didn't matter what I do - I could smile, stand in a way I normal stand, sit - I somewhat started to believe that everything I do is somewhat weird and not right. When I think about it, it wasn't just general things, it was all that + constantly being made fun of. I was afraid to hear my own name, to even see those people. I was afraid to wear anything new to school and you think that helped? I wore same thing every single day and after a while, I got bullied by that as well. I didn't really have anyone close, at first I did (when switched schools), but that same person was the reason I had to feel that terror for 4 years.

After time I learned to suppress my fear, to brush things off. I did cry at times, but only when alone. It's worth to mention, that I didn't really have anyone close to me, besides my parents(just mom, to be honest) and it's not like I can be 100% honest with her, even now. which is somewhat natural.

Right before high-school I feel in love for a first time, but given the situation I'd not confess even so I was close to her, so I simply ran away, ignored her. Naturally, my heart was made of stone for some time. My dad died in 2 month after that, I did not feel a thing. I'm not even sure if I remember correctly, but I had to pass by his room each day, deep down I knew he's going to die, but in that time(around 2-3 month), I came in his room twice, second time was 10 minutes before he passed away. I did not feel a thing. Didn't cry at funeral. Followed by that, in some time, not sure how long passed I somewhat developed strong feelings towards 2 different girls, feelings of same value. I'm not the sort to mess around. I was honest about it with them, and then came the day I had to chose. I'm not sure how long I cried, but it felt like forever, but I did chose. (And it ended up with other girl being mistaken about her feelings towards myself.)
What can I say, we were young and silly.

Ever since that time, and it's been 5 years or so, or soon will be, I've not been able to cry. I can only cry due to some outside factor, a movie, book, but when it comes to my own feelings I can't cry, at best, a single drop of tear, a headache and my head being hot like fire. I've been bottling up my emotions ever since. This all happened between 10th grade's first semester till middle of second semester.

When I went to high-school in the same school, things changed. No more real bullying or anything. But I was still feeling bad.
Insecure, thinking I'm doing things "wrong". I read about these things, I think. I tried to be confident, I was trying my best to get over and past it, hoping it would disappear.

At the moment, I'm 2nd year in University. And nothing has changed. I'd dare to say it's gotten worse. I can't walk around without worrying about what others will think, I constantly think is my facial expression weird, am I walking weird, are my clothes dirty, is my hair a mess. It might be funny, but when you do that for.. years, it wears you out. I'm afraid of making an eye contact with anyone who's a stranger to me. I always think that there is something wrong with me or .. my shyness kicks in due to someone paying attention to me or that's how I perceive it. (Gender doesn't matter)

But when I think I'm looking good, like clean clothes, hair is nice and so on, I want people to look at me and I feel good if they do. I guess that's natural? haha

To be honest, my self-esteem is somewhat weird. At times I do believe I'm an okay guy. Other times I think something in my face or body is not okay . But I know that everything in my body is something I can work on except for height.(I'm still having problems accepting that I'm short compared to other guys or most of them at least)

I apologize if I wrote too much.. I just wanted to express it all, since I'm not sure what could have connection.

Just to mention, ever since age of 15, despite being in relationships several times, I've not been close with anyone or been able to talk to about what's going on inside of me.

And older I get, more lonely I get. I spend weeks.. just talking to my cat more than I talk with anyone, I'm not even kidding. I just don't talk to people. I feel that no one really cares and I'd just "whine" and be annoying like I'm now. Of course, I do talk with people at my job or university, but you know, it's like those conversations you've with people when you smoke. They happen and then they're forgotten.

And due to my loneliness, I'm super clingy. I ended up clinging to someone I'd not and now I'm suffering for it.

What can you more wish for in a guy- insecure, clingy and needy.

All these years I ran away from this. But I don't want to spend all my life feeling like this. I want to move on, improve and reach higher to get rid of this curse.

I always believed that I can do it on my own, but now I do feel that I can't. I simply don't have enough energy for it.

I'm having a lot of personal issues at the moment, a lot of pressure and a lot depends on me. And I'm in a deep depression for a long time.

I know I'd probably go to some special doctor, and talk it through.. but money is the issue.

I'm sorry for writing so much. I just don't know anymore, what can I even do. Where to turn? I've no one to ask for advice in real life.

I just feel that I won't be able to hold on for much longer if this goes on.

I put this under perception due to fact that my main issue is not being okay, not being able to change the way I think about the way I do things.

Thank you for reading and sorry if I wasted your time.

Thank you for responding so quickly. First of all, I'll do that voice-post thing and try to over-come fear of someone judging/making fun of me, since English isn't my first language. I do have an accent, but I'm arrogant enough to say, it's understandable - my English, that is. haha
Sadly, I wish I'd do that right now, but it's late here and there's no way for me to do a voice post without waking someone up, so that will have to wait for now. And on weekend I'm going sort of camping with people from work, I'd not decline since I'm the new guy there and I do want to get to know people I might have to work with for a long time. So, I think I'll be able to do a voice post on Sunday. Just a question, I already said quite a bit, but not everything since there's so much inside of me that I can't really get it all out. Should I talk about something from a deeper perspective or ..I'm not sure, as to what I should talk about.

I too related to many of the things that you described. Being bullied at various stages of schooling life, not being able to look people in the eyes, being extremely self conscious walking through university. I've mentioned this to Decius before, the second job I ever had, I was 17, retail clothing store, I could not, just could not approach people, I was so insecure and scared. My manager joked about bribing me to do it, of course she was my boss so I had to get over my fear because money depended on it.

I am not saying this because I'm the admin here for the purpose of promoting voice posting - I think Decius's idea is brilliant. I still am insecure of posting voice posts myself and his idea has got me thinking.

I also think expressing everything that you have is nothing to be 'sorry' about when what you have to say is not hurting anybody, and what you have written can actually be very very good for anyone who reads and connects with it, and of course more importantly, it is good for you.

You're not alone when you are heard.

Decius,
Indeed, that's how I feel, except for last. I know that I most likely bottle 80% of emotions in myself, yet at times I still do feel them, it's just - I can't express them, for example - to cry, to let them out.
As for what should I talk about - I will try and express what's inside of me, what I didn't already, regarding this matter.

And Dawn,
I somewhat realize that expressing everything is nothing to be sorry about. I just don't want to whine like a little kid about every small matter, I guess. I actually just now deleted what I wrote before, because I realized it's not what I think/feel. I'll try my best to be as honest as possible. It's not that I don't want to be honest, it's hard to see reasons why I do/say things sometimes.


And lastly, at first I was not sure if I posting here about my issues is the right thing. There are lots of sites/forums regarding all sort of issues, but looking at how people replied I got somewhat scared. This site did confuse me at first, A LOT of sections. haha
But, I'm glad I posted here. I think the last drop was when I stumbled upon Decius answer in some other post which convinced me to post here rather than somewhere else.

And last thing - I really do enjoy understanding myself better, even typing it out felt good. After all, I really enjoy things where logic can be implemented.

quote:

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I just don't want to whine like a little kid about every small matter

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We're taught as men that talking about our issues is wimpy. That could be why you have an incorrect perception about yourself.

That might be it. I've another theory as to why I don't want to be wimpy - because, people around me, who were +/- friends, some 3/4 people in these years all of them had mental issues, but /serious/ issues, not this mumbo-jumbo, that's why I've somewhat looked down on myself and thought that this all is not something I should whine about.



P.s Just got home 12:06 am and super tired. Will post voice thing tomorrow!

Hey blankpicture.

Would you like to record a story for us and share? You know, like a story about yourself. An adventure or an experience you've been through.

Cheers.

Hey.

I'd not mind recording a story. Any kind of experience/adventure or something regarding what I wrote/said earlier?

These confident people around me always ended up being someone who liked/enjoyed to manipulate with me. It's like.. I lost my own self when around them. I liked what they liked, I believed and obeyed whatever they said. But deep down it feels as if I knew that they're influencing me, but this feeling of confidence kept pushing me to them.

I've a lot of ideas and doubts in my head. For example..
I know that people tend to change a bit depending on who are they hanging out with (aka different people can bring different parts of our personality out), but I do believe that in my case it's not that.

I used to believe that when I'll get older.. get in university aka get education then start to work and accomplish more and more, confidence will come from this, but now.. I'm just unsure if it's going to happen on it's own. More like, it seems logical that I'd get more confident as I accomplish more, but I just don't feel it.

I'm just unsure where to start. I'm jealous of people who can be themselves.

I feel as if I've lost myself by being close to people who can influence me. Even now, I've my own things I believe, but most of the time, I end up agreeing with others without thinking. It feels as if it's become a natural thing for me to do, to agree to someone who's /stronger/.

Of course, there are times I disagree and fight for my opinion.. but here, I'll give you an example.

Mm, well, this one time I was going to train station with someone from university, a guy I know. ( hardly a friend, just someone I met while smoking ) And this person said something about "dating only cute girls or something". There is nothing wrong with that, but I disagree. I'm somewhat not interested in looks. For example, I've my own "type of girls I do like" (like from a visual perspective), but looks are hardly a factor for me, I just don't really think that they pay such a huge role.
And thing is - I agreed with him regarding what he said, rather than explaining how I felt about this matter.

It's one example of many.

Whenever I feel that I'll be judged I say/act the way that would make me seem normal. (haha, it's so silly.. now that I think about it)

Another thing. I was at my job and wanted to go out to smoke, but I've to ask a key to my superior. And I was literally scared. I was asking myself why can't I just get up, go and ask, but I started to panic and I couldn't even answer my own question.

I know that I feel confident whenever I talk about something I know a lot about (or so I'd like to believe), in my case it's computers in general. A single field in which I feel confident. But in my job, people seem to know 3 or more times as much about them as I do, so it's awkward.. not a bad feeling, but weird.

Asides from that., I'm not really good at anything. I mean, I like to draw(haven't found time lately for that though), I like to cook and more. But even if I like to do it, I suck pretty bad at it, therefore I don't feel confident at all, and whenever I try to improve and fail it just drags me down. Same with renovating my family house. I've no knowledge how to do it, asides from what my father taught me 6~ years ago and what I remember of it. So until I fail I feel like I'm doing good but there comes a point where I can't really do anything right and this feeling of failing, not knowing how to just eats me away and I want to give up.

Where to even start, if all I do is fail. (even if it's part of the process of learning and life), I just won't have enough confidence to try again.

And thanks. Sorry about the bad quality, have to use this old mic which is pretty bad.

Sure dude.

tell us a story about when you went camping or on a trip or something. Something that happened in your life that impressed you or anything. Record it and put it up .

I'll do that tomorrow, since people are sleeping now. Hope I understood right what you want me to tell.

I don't have a proper mike, and I am pretty wasted atm. I have drank about 4 beers on an empty stomach and its like... 1am here,

So in order for you feel more comfortable with sharing with us, I will share something with y'all.


I am a dramione fan. Yes. It is one of the few obsessions I have., I fcking love the idea of of having a dramione (draco malfoy + hermione granger -> harry potter series) couple.

It is one of the few things that haven't given me any rest. It hasn't diluted itself over time and I feel as strongly about it as I have felt 2 months ago when I got "infected" by this concept. I don't even care about the realism of it. I don't care about the viability of such a concept. I just care that I am fucking infatuated with it. I am seriously considering to go through all the dramione fanfiction, which to my surprise, is quite extensive. Most of it is crap. really. I mean, it, real fucking literary crap .Bullshit. Makes you think that the people writing it are retarded at best. But some are really good works. I haven't had the chance to go through entire series because I work all day on expanding my own business and also I go to college (granted, now I am on holiday, which is why I have a business going on). Tomorrow... or today since its almost 1am here where I live, is a national religiousholiday. So I can afford to get shitfaced on 4 beers and counting.

Anyway, I want to hear what you, blankpicture, have to say. A story. An adventure. a confession. Anything. And these are not the beers talking. I wasn't pilling up beers several hours ago when I made the initial comment.

Good night, cheers.

@ Rainman05 - I vote for you making a dramione fan thread

@ blankpicture -

In regards to being around 'confident' people and 'borrowing' their confidence or 'leaning' on them, I have a theory:

Perhaps you feel better being around such people simply because those people seem less repressed about they desires. And because of your past, your childhood and the bullying you received through school, and things like you not being free to wear the clothes you wanted to wear, you were forced into a position of constantly repressing yourself. If you've been repressed about various things throughout the course of your life, and you're suddenly put into an environment where people are acting non repressed and they are including you in their environment, that is naturally going to feel good, even if you yourself are still repressed at that very moment.

When you write your thoughts about being a failure and not being good at anything, you might feel this way and you might be experiencing failures simply because you are not doing the things that you truly want to do. It's possible that you might not even really know what you want to do, because whilst you were growing up, you didn't have the chance to explore such things seeing as you always had to focus on hiding from being bullied.

What do you think? Did any of that connect to your own emotions/thoughts?

Btw, it takes confidence to not only record and post a verbal post, but to talk about such personal thoughts. You should feel good about it.

I'll post that voice story thing when I've the time. Been a bit busy.


Dawn,

Indeed, a lot of that made sense to me. And I agree that it's probably indeed the case regarding that. Just one thing I could not quite agree with - not knowing what I want to do. I do know what I want to do, I'm sure of it, it's just - I'm afraid of being judged, afraid of being silly and/or making a fool out of myself.

I know it might be a bad example, but for example, a lot of people on Youtube (ones who does blog like stuff and so), they seem okay and not bothered by fact that there will be a few or more who will judge them, in comments for example.

I've been thinking pretty hardly about this all - as to why I feel when I'm around people, why am I scared so much. I feel as if I'm constantly in a spotlight and everyone is like looking at me and judging. (I know it's not true, to be honest, people don't really care that much), but I can't help but feel how I do.


Regarding what you said last, for me, when it comes to Online things, I can be honest and free, I don't fear of being judged that much, I feel safer. (Like most. haha)
Same thing applies when for example I'm with people in real life who could be called friends, but only in small numbers, like ~4 including me.


Another thing perhaps worth mentioning - I'm most of the time lacking sleep. It started ages ago, went to sleep late, got up early, sometimes didn't sleep whole night. Due to that my memory has been pretty bad. (And I still do same, I'm somewhat forced to, but I've to admit I enjoy nights more)

Well, what I wanted to mention, it seems that when I'm tired I'm more free and honest, like right now, I don't have this barrier blocking my own feelings and thoughts. And after a sleepless night if I go in "public", I feel better, I feel that I can simply not care what people think, maybe not completely, but to some extent.

I guess it makes sense, since worrying and all that consumes energy and when I don't have enough energy to spare, I simply can let it pass because it's redirected to wherever it's need most, hope that makes sense. haha

I'm still not sure if I've already realized the root of problem or if there is still something hiding underneath the rock. Or if problem itself is that I don't know how to solve it.



Might have not said it before, but as always, thank you for talking to me.