I don't think I will ever be happy

I am almost 40 years old, and I just realized throughout my whole life, I was never ever happy. I probably had depression since I was very little and have grown up in isolation. When I was in my twenties, I said to myself what's wrong, why I can be like everyone else. Now I know, the depression has been there for so long, that I don't think it can be cured. I will just have to accept a life without happiness or a sense of well being.

It all started with an incident with my elder brother (he is 4 or 5 years older tha me, and we are the only two kids in the family).

My memory started fairly early. I can clearly remember that day when I was about 1 and half years old; I was visiting my grandma's house and heard my brother had come, so I rushed outside and greeted him with a big smile -- I couldn't speak much yet. But he said who wanted to play with you girl, get away! Before that day, my brother was very kind to me, so it was a hard hit. I can still remember when I heard that, the whole world literally drawed back in front of my eyes.....Before then, something must have happened that I have determined the big people i.e. the adults are not nice to me, now the little people i.e. my brother hates me too, so I said to myself this is not a good place for me.

Since then, I became very distant and terrified of people, I didn't trust my parents, I didn't care what is going on around me. (It is very weird now that I am writing it down, but everything made who I am today.) My brother stayed away from me throughout my childhood. I always played by myself. I didn't know how to communicate with other kids. When I was with other kids, I was amazed how much they talked, and I didn't have anything to say, my mind was completely blank. I was not a happy kid, but no one noticed. So there I was, growing up in isolation. My heart started to fill with darkness that I can't drive away any more. I guess I have to come to terms with my destiny. This is my life.

Couple of days ago, a brother and a sister were killed by a flood. They died of drowning with their hands tightly holding each other's and coulnd't be seperated so they ended up buried together. The brother was 6 years older than the sister. They were very close. The girl grew up to be a happy woman and married with a loving husband and had a loving son. It brought tears to my eyes when I read that news. That woman died young and had a hard life, but she was happy and her life was filled with love. How much I want to trade everything I have just for 1 minute of her life.

All we need is love. And that is true. And compassion and help.

I have read your confession with sparkling tears in my eyes. I know it's easy to give advice. But still. Don't give up. The only way out is not to get caught in the loop by the past. You're very sensitive. It may ruin you after all. But it can help you as well while communicating to people who comprehend. Go there where good people are and you will never fall. Don't isolate yourself anymore. How can you be loved if you don't show yourself, your virtues, your talents. You do have them. Let your fears away and banish the thoughts like these. Change your appearance if necessary. Destiny gives chances. Don't ignore them. Govern your destiny. Love yourself and love today. And tomorrow will love you. Be blessed.

I relate very much to your story, tlh20120.

I also have spent my entire life depressed. I don't like it here, in this world. I never have. I've tried every "treatment" there is, and nothing has really helped much. I haven't managed to kill myself yet, though I've tried several times. I guess I don't see that as a great solution anymore. More and more, I'm resigned to there being no solution.

I have no positive words for you. I think those kinds of platitudes are empty. I simply wanted to tell you that I think I understand how you feel. Thanks for sharing it.

hello my name is Aaron and i have some advice. take it or leave it but please read this. i also have been depressed all of my life. i think the worst thing that happened to me was when i was on a deployment to Afghanistan with the marine corps. i saw many people die and get extremely injured but the one thing that always stuck in my head was watching a group of small children walk over a bomb and get blown into a rainbow of blood and gore. i see it every time i lie my head down to sleep..... but all thats changed now. i am happy. maybe an artificial happy but im working on it. i take a medicinal drug known as Zoloft. i take 150 mg of it. quite the mouth full. but im happy. i have so much more time to find out things for my self and see what i am truly capable of. yes its an artificial happy but it works. but one day i wont need it anymore because i will find something that will make me truly happy. i hope this helps....