Apparentley I'm psychotic, but I feel normal?

Hey, I'm new to this site and I understand I'm posting at an awkward time so probably won't get any responses, but this is bothering me now and I wanted to express myself.

So basically my therapist it concerned about me and told me I had to see a psychiatrist because I have the symptoms of psychosis.

This is all really confusing to me because although I know I'm not the same as anyone else, I can still function as a normal human.

Apparently I'm a danger to myself and people around me, and he said that this is another reason why he thinks meds would be a good option for me. But most of the time I feel being a little bit insane is an advantage. I get great grades and see the world through a different perspective to most -I feel like i can do anything.

But lately I've been feeling like nothing is challenging enough. Learning is too conventional and I need something greater, something that can stretch me. I'm worried that if I don't find something - I'll turn to some illegal means of applying strategy and logic in real life situations.

I don't really have much of a conscience so I understand why people might be weary of me, but I just have such a strong urge inside of me to create.

I spoke to my GP first of all because I was feeling depressed because of my situation, but during the process I realised what I was. Now I'm worried the meds are going to take away the parts of me that make me unique and able to think outside the box.

I have two options and can't figure out which one to take.

1) Carry on with therapists and psychologists with medication to make me normal and treat my depression.

2) Stop all therapy and embrace who I am-Even with strong suicidal urges and the chance I could put other people in danger.

So does anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks for reading (:

Thanks for the reply, I hope you're right and the two can be separated.

Urm, I suppose I'm pleasant on a superficial level, maybe even deeper than that. Even people who have known me my whole life have no idea who I am underneath, so it's not like I go around stabbing people.

But I'm fearless and quite emotionless in pretty much every situation even though I look harmless. When confronted with two older guys in the street with a knife, I laughed in their faces and kissed one of them on the neck. I basically freaked him out a lot and we actually started talking and he added me on facebook.

I always get my own way with people I guess.

I hear voices that whisper my name at night-But they're harmless and it's not like they're telling me to do bad things or anything. Sometimes I see things too, but only when I'm stressed or ill. My therapist seems to think it's a big deal.

I don't care if people die or get hurt, all I see are events and consequences.

Typical separated parents thing, normal home life.

But everything I see jumps out at me, colours and flavours are on fire. I notice and analyse everything which leads to a very jumbled mind, and I often have to talk to myself to get things straight again.

I hate people but like reading them I guess. I sort of like violence too I suppose. Given the chance, and if it was planned then yes I would kill people for the thrill. I know what's right and wrong but don't really get why.

There's more but I can't think right now. It's harder for me to decide because I can't make a decision based on morals, it have to pick the most logical solution.

I must admitt, I'm actually quite interested in what I might achieve in the future without meds (:

Well, honestly I've known what I'm like for a long time, but it's gotten a bit more severe over the past year.

I've always been so cautious of other people that my therapist was the first one I've told about how I think or feel. My parents and friends are still unaware that there is anything different or unique about me. They just think I'm smart and good at painting.

My therapist doesn't really tell me anything, just mentions when he's concerned (he sits forward in his seat).

Feel missplaced? I'm not quite sure what you mean.

But I'd be sort of glad if they decided to cancel the diagnosis for some reason. Because I know that I'm strange, and I'd be happy to find out I was sane because that means that I'm smart and not crazy.

My dad doesn't know, and my mum thinks it's only because of my depression (which I mentioned in the first post).

I've been suicidal and harming myself, apparently out of boredom but I don't know.

I really don't know. They're decent people, but I don't want to scare her I guess. My mum's over emotional, suffered child abuse among other things. But I can't bring myself to let her touch me, it feels disgusting and wrong. And I can't talk to her because she takes everything personally, so I humour her.

Nothing much happened in my childhood, I can't think of anything that major that could've affected me :/

Can I just mention, you're far better than my therapist..

But my parents haven't done much wrong? How could I have been repressed at a young age?

I don't know. I've been remembering things that sort of dusturb me, but I don't think they actually happened. I think it's my mind trying to connect things that aren't there.

I don't think I could make anything better.

Ok I understand that, but I honeslty don't think I'm an emotional person on the surface or deep down. I'm pretty much flat. I get what you're saying, but I don't think my mum prioritised her emotions over mine. She tries to engage me but I just can't seem to respond.

Unlike my parents I'm more into learning, puzzles and the academic side of life. So I think maybe we can't talk because we have nothing in common :/

I think they're both true :/ She a very emotional person and encourages me to be emotional, but I can't do it so I humour her instead?

If anything goes wrong she always assumes it's her fault. She'd get angry at me for not being convincing and demand for me to tell her what was wrong. I'd say that I was sorry but I was indifferent and numb and couldn't be convincing because I didn't feel anything. She assumed there was something wrong with her. So I don't see the point in talking to her anymore.

I don't know, I always thought it was just me being uncaring :/

Besides, even if I feel emotionless possibly as a result of my parents behaviour, it doesn't explain why I do random things all the time. And I don't understand how all of this could have been brought on by something so tiny?

Ok I think I'm going to reflect on that a while, because I'm really confused.

But thank you for making me consider things I'd never thought about and for your time.

If my mother is at fault for who I am. Who is at fault for who my mother is? Wouldn't that person also be at fault for who I am? Where does it all end? At some point in a persons life responsibility lies squarely on one's own shoulders.

The quest to discover who and what you are is a life long journey and each of us will follow a different path. Being a smart person often times complicates things. Each answer derived will create new questions.

Personally wolfbait I think you need to discuss Decius's conjectures with your therapist before making any rash decisions.

I wish you good fortune and peace of mind on your life quest.

The doctor is supposed to diagnose me officially on Tuesday, but I suppose I could refuse to see him untill I've cleared some of this with my therapist.


Thank you, I think exploring these possibilities could be fun-although exhausting.

I just read this whole thread and it was very interesting. The things that Decius bought up seem really logically placed.

One thing that kind of worries me, because to be honest wolfbait, just from the way you have responded to things here, is that you don't seem like an emotionless person. So what worries me is when you say:

quote:

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She a very emotional person and encourages me to be emotional, but I can't do it so I humour her instead?

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because perhaps your mom's definition of being emotional is stuff like 'crying or being hyper reactive or hugging all the time', whereas that isn't a good definition of being emotional. Being emotional encompasses all sorts of feelings, including feeling of not wanting to talk and looking forward to things - which you seem to do.

What you're saying does make sense, but I don't think i can convey my thoughts accurately through typing.

I suppose I do have emotions, and it may sound stupid but I don't know what they're supposed to feel like? I can't tell the difference inside my mind so I can't express them.

The way I type may seem animated, but I don't actually mean some of what I say for some reason. It's like I'm just saying it becaus it fits?

I'm confused.