I think I might be an egomaniac

I sometimes wonder if everything I do is ultimately for my self aggrandizement. It would kind of make sense too because I seem to be either very insecure or very confident, or even arrogant if I don't watch myself.

I don't know how I got this way or where it stems from. I don't know how to fix it if its true.

About a week ago me and my friend (who plays bass) were just messing around and left a recorder on throughout the day as we made music and riffed on stuff. We were listening to it later that day and it was really fun up until it got to this one part where we both just hit random notes on our instruments and riff on this joke about how its this really technical, complex song.

Well my improvisation sounded like I was murdering my guitar, literally. It was disturbing to listen to and when I told my friend that I felt embarrassed and ashamed and that I didn't know it came out like that he said that it was kind of frightening when it happened.

I have this dark side that no one else seems to have. I also remember when we were walking around outside that day, I sort of unconsciously would stand on things of higher elevation. It occurred to me that maybe subconsciously I want to be "above" other people.

These are not qualities I'm proud of.

But I also have this really sensitive and sincere side that comes out here and there. Yesterday for some reason I was watching natural childbirths on youtube. I was quite repulsed but one of them made me cry.

So basically I know there's something wrong but it's kind of a chicken or the egg riddle... Am I fundamentally insecure and I've built this ego maniacal armor to protect it? Or am I fundamentally ego maniacal and I'm insecure when I feel bested?

I'm not asking for the answers here, I'm just sharing this as hopefully a release and maybe there's someone out there that's been through this or knows more about it than me.