Gags with every breath / This world brings me down / I'm looking forward to death

In my brief thread on my depression here on CC (http://www.captaincynic.com/thread/89022/depression.htm) I mentioned that "when I get upset about something... I get upset about everything". I get overwhelmed by my negative thoughts and emotions very easily, it does not take much to make me cry or rage. When one bad thing happens, it makes me think about other bad things, or about all the ways in which the "bad thing" is indeed "bad". I often describe my mind as a vortex, because my thoughts come so fast and so heavy and just go around and around. I have this tic- in times of great stress, I will close my eyes, lean my head back slightly, and imagine being dead (okay, I am not sure if I can really call it a "tic" or not). It causes a warm, dark feeling to slowly encompass me, and it makes me feel happy and safe and like "at least everything will be okay then". Sometimes it won't even be "in times of great stress", it'll be, like, just driving around, when I am feeling melancholic or otherwise not engaged, occasionally I will just simply imagine being dead and it makes me happy.

When I am being overwhelmed by negative thoughts, I picture myself in a place where I am not thinking any thoughts, where there is no sensory input, and the only place I can think of is death. Kinda black and white, I guess. But also, in general, I just simply Look Forward to Death.

I used to think this was a positive outlook. It was something I could use to Cope, to Deal w/Shit, and the more I thought about it, logically, I just thought it seemed more and more positive. It made sense to me to not fear Death, as an inevitability, and instead to embrace it and even look forward to it as a part of Life.

When I was arguing for it with Decius, he asked me if someone who was Happy, in their life, would look forward to death. I thought that it was irrelevant. I feel like I need to bold that line, or repeat it, or write it in a more, uh, decisive way. When Decius asked me if it was logical for someone who is happy in their life to look forward to death, I said it was irrelevant. How I described Death, to Decius, was like going to sleep at the end of a long day, and that was (and is) the only way I can understand it.

I have been trying to understand myself for my entire life, and there a lot of Big Scary Grey-Black areas in my psyche that I just cannot figure out how to improve on. This is one of those things. I do not seem to have the capacity to be able to imagine life as a Good Thing. Which of course is like, does that mean I would not be able to recognise it as a Good Thing, if my life ever did become Good? Does that mean, that it cannot ever be Good because I firmly believe it never will be? That sounds like logical reasoning, to me. Which scares me. It's like, how can I make and work towards a goal if I don't know what the goal is? If I cannot even comprehend it? And that is, like, my fucking mission in life, or whatever, is just to be fucking happy.

When someone asks me about Life, I cannot answer objectively, it is entirely dependant on my mood. At any given time I can spurt out a hundred billion reasons that life fucking sucks (and why it rules). And then it's like, what a fucking angsty thing to say! And that makes me worry that that is one of the reasons, that I am just young, and full of hormones, and stupid, and it will be something I will Get Over when I am Older.

So, I would say I use the idea of Death as escapism. I am a very heavily escapist person, I get lost in video games, books, movies, music, weed, imagination as much as I can. So that is another way I justify it. Escapism, to me, is a positive thing, but it's like... I cannot imagine the world I live in as one that I wouldn't want to escape from. So, escapism is a "positive" part of my life insofar that it provides me brief happiness and whatnot, but I have not been able to truly think on if it is really positive for me, because I am so engrained in it, if that makes sense.

They say that people hate what they don't understand, and it feels true. When I try and think on these things I always end up fucking angry, because I can never come up with anything satisfactory, and when I try to talk to people about it, they never have any answers. I am getting worked up, even as I type this.

I have, in my head, a very clear definition of an Ideal World I would like to live in. The reason it is very clear is because I think about it a lot, the reason I think about it a lot, is because I live in a world that is very less than Ideal, so I am constantly reminded of how it is Not Ideal (you could therefore argue that this unideal world defines my ideal one). And I think a lot of my problems come from that, how there are two very distinct Worlds, inside my head- How It Is, and How It Could Be, and the difference is very very big.

I cope with not living in the Ideal World by constantly escaping it. It feels like you could say that escapism is basically a form of denial. By choosing to engage in a world that is not the world you live in (i.e., imaginary worlds) you are choosing not to engage in "reality", you are choosing to ignore it, to deny it. I think that is what one of my problems is, Denial.

When I was younger I was happier. Bam. Straight away. That is my outlook on the past. A good example is, I look back on my last years of high school with much fondness, because of all the great times I had with the people who were in my life. I think back on it and it makes me happy. But, objectively, I know that I was more depressed then, especially if you consider that I was contemplating the practicals of suicide for a lot of it.

It gets worse when I think back to when I was younger. I mean, like, childhood/toddler/baby young. Before my little brothers came along, before my mother and father were separated, I remember everything being very fuzzy (or is my memory fuzzy, so that's how I picture it?) and warm and safe and lovely. But I cannot view it objectively. I cannot remember it very well, I cannot know what my parents where like. I can deduce that they were negative, based on how they have been the entire rest of my life, but I cannot remember what they were like when I was younger, I cannot know if I was truly happy, if I was truly warm and safe and lovely.

I have been thinking that maybe something that is wrong with me is that I subconsciously desire to go back to the womb. Which is a fucking, uh, horrifying prospect, I guess. It's like, as much as I want to learn and figure myself out, if that's what the answer is, I do not want to know. But, that's dumb, I am compelled to learn and understand, so I must be willing to consider that possibility.

When I think of love, I think of warmth, and being enveloped physically by a loved one. When I think of happiness, I think of fuzziness, pixelated light spots in your eyes. When I think of safety and security, where nothing can go wrong, I think of dark places.

When I think about death, I picture it in two ways, as per my Beliefs on the Afterlife. I believe that either a) you are reincarnated/you go to heaven/you go into the immateria of imagination/etc etc. It's like everything, the possibility of ANYTHING after death other than nothingness is option a). b) is, blackness, darkness, nothingness, forever. And that is comforting to me.

I have been worrying lately that I have Physical Intimacy Issues, as a result of the abuse/neglect/abandonment of my parents. Someone was being aggressive on the internet, and someone else commented "he mustn't have been hugged enough as a kid". My question is, what do you do if you are that kid? And I thought that was a pretty heavy thing. Let alone, like, what do you do if you want to go back to the womb????

There is such a big gap between, how the world should be, and how the world is, and I think that is where a lot of the damage comes from.

It's common armchair psychologist knowledge that your world view is based entirely on the events of your childhood. Like, childhood emotion is basically you have an expectation of the world, and whether or not that world can fill that expectation. A baby is hungry, so it expects to be fed. If it is fed it will be content and happy. If not it will be hungry and sad and angry and distressed. That is a black and white way to put it but yeah you get the idea.

So, you form your world view based on how your expectations were fulfilled. My world view, and my expectation of the world, is a positive, happy, warm place. When that expectation is not filled (by the neglective parent called Reality) then I become sad and angry and distressed, and it is often not filled. The adult response is to either a) fill it yourself or b) change your expectations. So that is sorta evidence towards me having a happy childhood, because that expectation still dominates me.

That is why I often start doubting (and subsequently start raging) my maturity. It feels like I am still a child, I am still mentally expectant of a happy, safe world, even though it has not been provided for literally as long as I can remember. You would have thought I would have learnt to expect otherwise..?

Another point is that Death is certain, Death is definite. It is coming and no matter what happens I will Die. So it is always there, it is always coming, it is always going to be a part of life, it is always going to be on the back of my mind.

Anyway, I'm sorry it got a bit convoluted. I have not said much, really, like, there is a lot more. It's like, I want to try and focus on specifically, the idea of uh thinking on Death as a positive "escape" and see what people think, but it's like... that tic is a tentacle, and you can follow it's winding path all the way up until you realise it's only one of many, all attached to this giant jellyfish of Depression (I was gonna say "and that jellyfish is floating in the sea... of me" but this metaphor is pretty lame in general). What I'm trying to say is that I want to discuss specifically, the idea of Death as an escape and as something to "look forward to", but it is hard to talk about it without talking about depression, and there is a lot to depression. So yeah.

Life does not have to be depressing... and you don't have to run or delude yourself of anything to do it. I was depressed about 4-5 years ago. It's hard for me to say how depressed I was. I never contemplated suicide except one time when I was on shrooms due to some grand conclusion I made about life that might be correct or might not. I didn't do it though because I hadn't written a goodbye note for my mom and I was with a friend so I decided I would wait until tomorrow. The trip faded through the night and I wasn't suicidal anymore... lucky me!!!

The only way I can say I got out of it was that I really tried to get out of it. I had some vague notions of things I wanted to do but wasn't doing for some reason and decided to start going after them. I always had an intuitive skepticism to drugs and "miracle cures" that fix you overnight without any trouble. I knew anti-depressants weren't for me.

It wasn't overnight - it was slow, boring, day-by-day progression. Did I feel overwhelmed at times and want to give up? YOU FUCKING BET. Did I want to quit moving forward and just play video games and shrink into obscurity. Sometimes, yah. Well today I find myself here now and I feel really flipping GOOD regularly! I wouldn't trade my life for anyones!! If you plant seeds and tend to them they will harvest. It's just how nature works. Life is a garden man. Rip out and burn the weeds and take care of your flowers and vegetables. How can you not be happy when the harvest comes? And we get EXACTLY what we deserve.

I've also been practicing Nicherin Buddhism (chanting 1 hour every day) for about a month and a half now. You chant for things you want... well I haven't gotten the exact thing I wanted yet, though it's clearly developing WITHOUT A DOUBT... but I swear to you so many other good things have happened along the way. It's like I'm just luckier in general!

You are a strong and powerful person. If you make a true resolve and commitment to something, and keep to your word (no cheating!!), you will achieve great things.

I hope this helps!

I wish you the very best my friend!!

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to some grand conclusion I made about life that might be correct or might not.

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Haha, what? =p Explain

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I wouldn't trade my life for anyones!

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Is that because a) you cannot imagine a life better than yours, or b) because you have learnt to be content with what you have?

Contentment and acceptance are different. To accept that your life is your only life is very important to getting rid of depression. It puts you in control and helps absolve the anger that clouds your judgement. While contentment is very temporary and can quickly turn to resenment and more anger.

Accept who you are, who you have been and love the fact that you are simply alive. Big demand that sounds like bs, I know, but seriously try it.

Earlier today a train of thought brought me to contemplating the reality of after life. Knowing and accepting, but not fearing, that this life is just a bump in time, and realizing that the time in which I have breath IS the wierd exciting part of time helped me find it very precious. And because of my acceptance of the time I have spent learning to get out of my depression (mine lasted about six hellish years) i felt no anger, just lots of fuzzy, clear, love. Just because I was alive, nothing else.

You gotta understand, depression is unnatural. Theres something in your mind your not coping with. Just gotta find it and cope. By either changing something or accepting something.

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Haha, what? =p Explain

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It had to do with infinity and how existence works. How everything is a big circle... which might not be inherently wrong and isn't inherently bad but at the time I was in a general depression so this conclusion was devoid of any happiness. You have to understand though... there's a difference between reading something and going "oh that's neat" and literally believing in something 100% and seeing it's reality everywhere. Could I have been delusional? Definitely. I can't rule that out. It is what it is.

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Is that because a) you cannot imagine a life better than yours, or b) because you have learnt to be content with what you have?

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I can imagine other lives. I've always had the habit of trying my best to put myself in other people's shoes. It sounds like you might share this quality as well as you say you like to escape a lot into circumstances other than your own.

I feel like if I were forced to move into another life that I wouldn't want to yet because I want to see where this one goes first! It's too interesting and fun at this point! There's so much I need to find out and go after still!!!

@ChrisD; unsure what to say, other than "good for you". It's good that you are content within your life.

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Theres something in your mind your not coping with. Just gotta find it and cope. By either changing something or accepting something.

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Agreed, except I do not think it is just one "something", but many things.

How I feel about life changes on a day-to-day basis, depending on the circumstances and just how my mood turns. However, my view on Death remain consistent, regardless of my mood. That's what I find scariest, that I have seemingly fully accepted and internalised an inherently negative outlook, and yeah I dunno how to change that.

One of the things I find most negative about my train of thought re: Death is the apathy that comes with it. Stereotypically suicidal people have things like friends and family holding them back from "taking the plunge", "I would kill myself but it would just devastate family member x" or whatever. However, I have never related to that, my logic being, once I am dead, as much as I love them, I would not give a fuck about what my friends and family think, because I would be dead, and incapable of thinking (and, because Perception is Reality, once I cease to exist, so would they). That is one of the scariest thoughts I have, the ones I have when I am at my most dark (thankfully I have not felt like that in a long time). It's a very, gratitious, selfish outlook, I think. It's like, I do love my friends and family, and I know that my death would devastate them, but when I am in that state of mind I feel like that would not stop me, that ending my personal "suffering" is more important than their happiness.

A few years ago, one of my best friends was telling me about how he saw these two old men, laughing and talking and hanging out, and how it made him sad because he thought that we would never be able to share that, having a conversation as elderly men, because chances are one of us was going to kill ourselves before we hit that age. I remember him sort of glancing at me with tears in his eyes, and he said he thought that was most probably going to be me. I said something like "Yeah, that sure is the case" and changed topic. I was very, I wouldn't say flippant, but I guess "dismissive", like, it was just sort of my default state of mind back in those days, that One Day I was going to kill myself, that was just simply how it would be, there was no real point in discussing it further. I was apathetic to the point of not caring about my best friend's feelings and fears.

I remember back when I first started discussing with people, the prospect of suicide, that they focused the conversation more on how I would kill myself. I almost never considered the practical side of suicide, as it were, I was always more interested in the why, and the pros/cons of staying alive.

But that is the main mechanism behind the "coping" part of the fantasy, like, the fact that I just wouldn't have to care about anything any more, I wouldn't have to think, worry, I wouldn't have to deal with the world and with my thoughts any more. I am a very caring person, like, I have a lot of love in me for a lot of things, and I steadfastly believe that apathy is one of the world's Biggest Problems. So it is interesting that the thing that appeals most to me about the thought of Death is being able to be "free" of my empathy.

My empathy, I believe, hinders my happiness a lot. Because I refuse to compromise on a lot of things, it means that I limit the potential for happiness my life can reach. And it is hard work, and mentally and emotionally taxing, to care as much as I do about the world and the people in it, and trying to help them as much as I can.

But it does make me wonder. I feel compelled to Care about things, I feel compelled to Help People, and especially to try and Do The Right Thing whenever possible. But if I internally view that as a burden I wish to be free of, does that mean that my outlook on life is not something that I truly want? Is my subconscious battling my conscious? It makes sense, I guess, because my subconscious is based on emotion, and therefore wants me to be as happy as I can be, whereas my conscious side is more rooted in logic and morality, which leans towards selflessness and empathy for others over myself.

I feel that the solution to this problem would be to find a proper balance between selfishness and selflessness. Currently, I do not have a lot of Self Love, and as such often place other people's happiness above my own.

Though ChrisD chanting and asking the universe for things seems silly, I cannot deny that I am not guilty of a similar silliness. When I am crying my hardest, when I am my most desparate, there have been occasions where I have clasped my hands together and just begged, God, The Universe, Everybody and Nobody, for people to be happy. Usually it is about an ex-girlfriend, for some reason. I always just beg and beg and beg for them to be happy, because I just feel they deserve it so much. Something I have done as recently as last month, that I used to do as a child, is try and make a "deal" with whoever I am praying to, and often I place myself in the position of the martyr. "I don't care if I am happy," I say, "I just want them to be happy. They deserve it. Please, make them happy, if it is within your power. I don't care if you make me happy or not, but please, please, just make them happy, please."

So it feels like, I need to have enough self love in order to care about my own happiness to appease my subconscious side, without sacrificing the ethics that my conscious side lives by.

It occurred to me that maybe I am approaching this whole... thing, the wrong way. I do not think berating myself and telling myself that this is the "wrong" way to think, because it does in fact help me when I am at my lowest. And it is logical to think it, in some way, like, of course if my life is shit, I am going to perceive the alternative of death as something positive. Instead, I should try to improve on my life and happiness until I am at a stage where I do not consider death as a "better" thing than life.