ChrisD

Are you lonely?

Yah, I am.

lol That is one "Givin' love a chance" black man.

Hey ChrisD, maybe you should make one of those fliers.

Interesting how those who mock someone for being vulnerable are the ones who fane vulnerability the most.

There's this italian guy I work with. He's probably in his 40's and he wears trendy shoes that seem out of place. He's sometimes hard to understand through his accident.

One day he tried to intimidate and coerce me into doing shit for him and I called him out on it right when it happened. Things have been pretty awkward between us since and I have tried to ignore him as best I can, because really, I called his bullshit and he needs to address it, which he hasn't as of yet. And I have no interest in dealing with him until he does.

But the weird thing is, ever since then he's tried to talk with me and joke with me... as if he expects me to just forget... Nope!

Either he's an idiot, a coward or he still believes he has a chance to intimidate or control me... which I guess would still fall under the "idiot" category.

In case any of that dawnsense is pointed towards me.

That poster brightened my mood while I am very lonely at the moment.

I actually really like that song, takes me back to less lonely days.

But that is hilarious to me as well, plus, there wasn't much depth to this thread yet, and it was actually comically short.

Not that I need to explain myself to an interloper, but why not.

Chris and Vigil hadn't said anything yet. Good thing they have you to talk for them though.

I didn't "mock" anybody, I made a joke at a funny picture. Guess jokes aren't allowed to be made if wanna talk about racism, or lonelyness for that matter.

Dawn, why are you trying to hate people on this site. Maybe I thought that some humor could brighten they day of who ever read it. And because of my honest desire to make some laugh didn't fit your model of how some one "should" express themselves, you take a little snip. Is your goal to hate me till I lleave? Why is it not okay for me to try to cheer some one who is lonely by making them laugh?

I'm not angry or upset with you about this Dawn, just confused as to why you communicate with so much anger.

And, while activly communicating anger, try to tell other people how they can and can not express themselves. For instense, you express to me with anger, do I tell you that I will only accept (love) you if change the way you speak to me? No. Express to me exactly how feel. Please, I would hate for you to feel a fear of being your true self due to rejection and attacks.

Why then must I fear you for expressing myself with humor. This is all unnecessary and I know we can empathize with each other with out using fear based emotions.

Perhaps the acceptance of fear based emotions has something to do with lonlieness. ChrisD, what do you beleive causes your aloneness?

Play? Please.

I wouldn't stoop to pretending to be anything but what I am, and that is all I need to be for the right woman for me.

I am only lonely now because I'm having to restructure my entire life to shed the bullshit society and my own laziness and rebelliousness has heaped upon me.

So I can have a firm foundation to start my proper and personally chosen life, and it happens to be a lonely process.

Tried to woo? Connect yes, as I see every person's inner beauty, and care about and even want to enjoy deep loving connections past all their fearful judgement like I would any friend or family member, or even lover.

And I even feel that way about self righteous fucktards like you.

I have still yet to discern whether her post was a condescending joke actually. That was my first thought, but I knew not their relationship at all.

And like I said, I thought the thread, which if genuine, would have been for private conversation, hence my leaning towards potential malicious intent.

Either way, the six word two post thread was indeed comical to me especially given all the potential circumstance. Coincidentally I saw that poster and simply could not help myself, I thought it fitting and funny. I heard no deep depressive lament that I felt needed careful measures when going with the seemingly light mood of the thread.

But again, I have no need to explain myself to someone trolling to bash those he fears. But its just too damn much fun.

I do miss the old Decius though, that's why I'm so lonely. Back when you hadn't swallowed your own dogma quite so close mindedly.

You see buddy, you fell off the wagon the second you thought you had everything figured out. And I know that how I sound or sounded too. But the difference is your trying intellectualize and dogmatize infinite paradox. Have fun with that by the way. While I'm returning to intuition and guidance from forces beyond the limitations of physical human comprehension.

At that level understanding is only hindered by the finite meat machine we have for a body and brain.

But none the less. I speak with passion, and untill I'm either mellowed out, or not disgusted by your blinded bias, I'm gonna sound harsher than even I want to.

But we all have to vent right, lest we explode.

What's so hilarious about all this is that it seems more like you argue for the sake of continuing an arguement that I still don't believe exists.

We are all human, imperfect and indoctrinated by false notions of limitations and separations, and even segregations.

But its all a lie. At the core we are the same. This is just the flavoring.

So if an arguement is needed, I will argue that I am simply celebrating diversity, and while you play the pompous ass, I'll play the pompous prick.

Because it has been well noted that you seek no form of actual unifying calmness or open connectivity with anyone who doesn't say they believe every word out of your mouth.

You don't seem to want friends, you prefer enemies. And it's your show buddy. And you are your own master and no one can stop you from acting as you wish.

If you don't want imperfect love from imperfect people, well, enjoy what ever is left for you to look forward to. I wish you the best, and hope I get to witness and enjoy the ride. Maybe even get to participate. But untill you decide to play nice, I guess I get to tell you to go fuck yourself. Even though I like you, with a grain of salt, like everyone else.

And by the way, being alone and or lonely can be good things at times too.

Emotionally reactionary half truth rant aside.

There is truth in your words Decius, as usual.

The main reason I am personally lonely is because I need to be alone, except for guiding influences that I share experiences with of learning and teaching along the way. And perhaps that is all we actually get, some just get stuck with one person longer for whatever reasons.

And I need to be alone to degrees because things I need to fix in myself indeed. Like everyone else I know. I just know I'm broken just enough that I need to get through this deconstruction primarily alone.

We all make mistakes and need to learn from them, will happen till the day we die, and likely beyond. This does not mean we need or should be alone through that process, that is just silly. Because then we should never ever be with anyone at all, any of us.

I make awkward and usually innappropriate advances towards nearly any female I meet. Because I know I can fall in some degree of love with anyone. Because, like I said, I can see inner beauty in everyone, I can see reason to forgive all mistakes, and see everyone as worth bothering with to some degree, including pushing them away at times as well. Such is paradox.

I feel no shame in being in some way attracted to vigil, called out on "wooing" is a little awkward.

Jealous of attention, sure I guess, but I honestly meant it when I said my first thought, and am still wondering, is if she was talking shit. Because I've seen her be quite mean spirited actually.

More than jealous of any attention I know my biggest point of annoyance and frustration here is that while I can agree to dissagree and still respect and want to converse due to knowing those who I dissagree with still have words of value, I was not shared the same courtesy respect. It was a my way or the highway approach that is sad and somewhat shameful.

Granted, I know I get mouthy, but I am not alone there. Perhaps I'm the worst. And I do annoy myself at times too. And acknowledge that fact and don't mind trying to reign it in some, but probably by instances of request. Because sometimes its appropriate and in a context where no one minds. When it is not so, just say so, maybe it will stick someday. But I cuss like a sailor, because I was one lol.

Either way, I wanted to note my agreements with those who bothered to speak out in dissagreement. But as usual, it is only half the story and there tends to be dissagreement as well.

Certainly noone thinks any woman is perfect either? That Dawn or Vigil are perfect? Hell, they may be guys pretending to be girls for all I know. But either way, they aren't perfect either, and they will piss off any man that does have or get them, I'm willing to bet on that. Are you willing to bet against it?

And fyi, not to seem conceited, but getting women isn't the problem, getting a healthy relationship is what I'm striving for. But I either need to be healthier myself, and or, need to find that right balancing woman that just fits my particular brand of crazy.

Wow.

Really?

Alright. Never really thought that was happening this site.

Man, what an open not hateful community this is.

How am I being a tough guy? By trying to make people smile because they are sad? In case you didn't notice I was talking to Chris there, not Vigil.

Why have you begun speaking to me, hatefully mind you, while I have only tried to remain loving, to make me feel bad for being myself? No thank you. If you want to speak to me like an adult, I would love to discuss anything with you. But if you think giving me good advice means your allowed to disrespect me for trying to make Chris laugh, we can go back to ignoring each other and we can both continue sharing our growing experiences on this site.

Or, of course, you can ban me for asking you not to hate me for trying to make him laugh.

And Decius, I wasn't aware that games were being played here. What the fuck happened to being honest and open?

Dear Ironwood and awakenedwrath,

What on Earth are you doing? Why do you come here day after day seeking empathy and support from such negative individuals? I have only communicated with Dawn and Decius briefly, and already I have identified them to be abusive and detrimental to my own progression. I would not value a relationship with people that have a history of applying negatively charged and unavailing criticism with defensively suppressed emotion and minimal compassion so as to elevate themselves and sustain a sense of power and righteousness on a website they themselves created. I'm sorry guys, but for the sake of your own well being, I really think you need to wake up and smell the coffee here.

Looking through the history of this website, it's very apparent to me that Dawn and Decius return here day after day, scorning, criticising and belittling people who demonstrate an open, genuine desire to find family and evolve as people. If they were as intellectual as they strive to present themselves, they would acknowledge the cycle of negativity they generate, and either make an effort to improve, or cease communication until they have confidently resolved the issues that fuel their behaviour. So far they don't seem to have done so, and the fact they have continued without taking the initiative to identify and evolve past their issues does not speak well of Dawn and Decius as people, and I suggest you take caution in seeking their love, help and support.

XG

Appreciate the concern, but there is just more too it. I can see how it may appear.

I'm fairly certain we do both want respectful and even caring support from them, but we also know that they are better people than they are currently acting.

People go through changes and fazes, and Decius has been there for a lot of us in the past. We only wish to return the favor, at least that is the impression I get when speaking for we.

But I can tell you that things were very different once upon a time. Over my own seven years I can tell you it was a different world all together here once, and there was a lot more balance, people understood and accepted, and were allowed to repectfully challenge and dissagree and even have forgivable outbursts and bashfests without being written off and tossed out like garbage.

So even though some of us my seem like its all about Decius and or Dawn, but its really more about saving this site, and indeed saving them. And for those of us who understand that growth over delusion and contradiction is actually a life long process that no one ever conquers unless you are the next Jesus or Buddha, we are still looking to save ourselves as well. With or without the help or respect of Decius or his flock.

He had to ban us all to shut us up, he knows it was wrong, or we wouldn't be speaking right now. We haven't given up on him even if he gave up on us.

But I for one understand he is in a different position as the site admin and see these as basically the only way things could have gone for his true problems to be properly seen by the masses and therefore hopefully more likely and able to be addressed.

He lived the biggest contradiction of all. He pushes people to be free but succumed to the lust of his own power and became the dictator that he defended on the one hand, but derided on the other.

And with too many striving for his friendship over giving him the tough love he apparently needs more, he probably did the right thing by causing a revolution of renewal, whether it was his intention or not.

I was honestly truly worried about his personal health and safety for a time there.

But ya, he has a lot of humility gathering to do before most even respect him as an equal ever again.

But I for one feel he is just struggling, learning, growing, tripping, falling, getting back up, and moving forward just like anyone and everyone else.

So no, I'm not worried about his negativity affecting me, I can handle it. Trust me, he's done worse. And I've lived through far worse than he has dished out as well.

Now what we got heyah.....is a FAILYA TAH COMMUNICATE. I have read many of the posts on this form and have concluded that Decius can be a bit brash in his posting. I haven't experienced it firsthand. I haven't had any encounters here with Dawn, though.

Let's just say this. Some folks may not practice as much empathy for others as we would like on these forums, but that's only because it's not possible to genuinely do so on a forum. Perhaps those with a history of volatile posting are aware of this fact, and are in dire need of some real empathy in their real lives. Who knows. Who feels it knows it, yo. And vice versa.