The Nice Guy Syndrome

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A typical "nice guy" is perceived to put the needs of others before his own, avoids confrontations, does favors, gives emotional support, and generally acts nicely towards women. – Wikipedia

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In their qualitative analysis, Herold & Milhausen (1998) found that women associate different qualities with the "nice guy" label: "Some women offered flattering interpretations of the 'nice guy', characterizing him as committed, caring, and respectful of women. Some women, however, emphasized more negative aspects, considering the 'nice guy' to be boring, lacking confidence, and unattractive." – Wkipedia

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I am going to attempt to define the 'Nice Guy Syndrome' in an accurate, truthful sense.

Firstly, I want to define the adjective 'nice'.

If I perceive that someone is being nice to me, it means that I believe they are acting with kindness towards me, that they are being genuinely caring and respectful towards my needs and desires in some way.

Therefore, a nice person , is someone who is consistently displaying genuine care towards another. In my opinion, it is pretty much synonymous with being a humane person.

As I understand it, a humane person is someone who can understand that the world is an enclosed, shared environment, and believes it to be in their own self interest that those around them are genuinely happy and healthy, in order to maximize the potential for that environment to be the best that it can possibly be.

Although the main motive may be self interest, it is not self interest in any negative sense, since it is simply acknowledging the fact that because we are all humans, we all share the same base needs.

I am characterizing the 'nice guy' as a person whose intentions are genuinely humanistic.


An Outline of The Nice Guy

'The Nice Guy' is someone who acts with humanistic intentions, and is constantly taken advantage of by everyone around him. He is especially vulnerable to those who claim to love and care for him, because of his own belief that this is truly the case.

He is constantly 'lead on' by people whom he wants to pursue a meaningful, loving relationship with. A person who is using the Nice Guy will be consistently sending him signals that they are interested in him, value him, want him to be committed to them, but in truth, has no actual intention of reciprocating any of the love that the Nice Guy gives to them.

The Nice Guy sees his loved ones as, more or less, extensions of himself, so he puts great effort into the relationship because he believes that the other persons happiness and well being is connected to his own. This feeling is never truly reciprocated by people who only mean to take advantage of the Nice Guy's offerings, only feigned.

This sounds like me lol.

What caused you to write this?

It occurred to me recently that I believe it to be very likely that in the past, I have been placed in the position of The Nice Guy in regards to a relationship I have shared with another female. She was one whom I considered to be a very close, important friend; yet looking back on that friendship realize that it was very much a one-way relationship.

It is very interesting to me the different manners in which females can and do, use and manipulate other females in order to pacify their own insecurities. I believe the term 'frenemy'* is an accurate enough description of most female/female relationships, and while this behavior was definitely existent in the relationship, this is not the only term I would use to describe my relationship with this female.

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"Frenemy" (alternately spelled "frienemy" ) is a portmanteau of "friend" and "enemy" which can refer to either an enemy disguised as a friend or to a partner who is simultaneously a competitor and rival.[1] The term is used to describe personal, geopolitical, and commercial relationships both among individuals and groups or institutions. The word has appeared in print as early as 1953.

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I believe that she had been interacting with me, for a long time, as though I were a 'substitute male'- engaging with me as though I fulfilled a masculine role.

I believe that there is a trait I hold that is considered to be more masculine within society: the propensity to think and act more on logical deductions rather than on emotions borne out of insecurity.

Females tend to be viewed as 'irrational' people because they seem to act more on 'unfiltered emotion' rather than consider things logically.

Here, I am going to list the behaviors that I believe are evidence to my hypothesis:

• When I complement her on her appearance and she reacts by giving me a coy look. She would also become more sexualized in her behavior around me, repositioning and posing herself as if to display herself to me in a provocative manner.

• She would push the idea through our interactions that she is much more female than I am, more a part of the female realm than I am. She would do this by constantly correcting the way I completed 'feminine' tasks such as cutting vegetables, shopping, how I dress myself.

• Literally communicating the idea that I would be her dream partner if I had a male body.

Do you feel like your person has suffered because of you being taken advantage of? See, I've always been a pretty loving and giving person. Since my childhood, like many other boys with sad mothers, my main drive in life has been to give myself to someone else to make them happy. Hoping some how that by giving an endless amount of love that eventually that person will reciprocate.

I wonder, how much of myself has been genuinely wasted on being the nice guy?

Then I tell myself that even though I was not properly recieved I was loving, and that does bring genuine joy.

So I ask again the qeustion I have always asked myself, is it worth it? I believe I carry inside myself a heavy burden of a near life time of rejection. But also an intense love that, even though faced with much hate, has grown strong due to necessity of survival.

If I was not strong, I would not have survived. (emotionally speaking not litteraly) By always attempting to share my love, regardless of fear, I have gained much. By always being taken advantage of, I hurt much, very much.

I honestly wonder if a severe injustice this has been, or a natural occurence of a small boy who tried too hard to make his mom happy. Either way, I feel stalwart in continuing to love endlessly, as I always have, regardless of fear.