Emotions Journal

ITT I try and track my emotions and personal progress with an online journal.

I feel like I just want to try and be as honest and open as possible about the things I feel here. I am not going to share every emotion, because fuck that*, but I am going to share the ones I feel are significant in some way.

*I mean like I am not going to tell you how I was happy because a video game I bought came in the mail, or something.

I am not sure this is the right subforum to place this is in.

The names of the people in my life have been altered to protect the innocent.

M is my housemate who I have been friends with for many years. I think he is a negative part of my life, but recently there have been hints that he may be a logical, honest, progressive person. So I am going to be finding that out, and reporting what I percieve here.

R is my ex girlfriend whom with I never really got closure with after our break up. I think she may be a negative part of my life, but again there have been hints of her being positive so I am going to be discovering and documenting here.

H is my girlfriend, our relationship is on an indefinite hold at this point because I have been negative towards her, most significantly because I am emotinoally dependant on her and that manifests itself in negative ways. I am going to be tracking my feelings about her here to help myself recognise them and to track my progress with them.


Day 1 27/1/2010

Dreamt about H that night. Don't remember much except for fighting and reconciling. "I'm sorry we fight, I love you"

Today I met with R for the first time in about a year. We'd planned to meet before H and I went on break. The main reasons I have to pursuing communication with her is to talk to her about our relationship. She broke up with me because she couldn't handle my depression and dependancy on her. I thought I had gotten over being dependant but clearly have not, so I feel if I can talk to her about how I was then I will be able to pinpoint what I thought I had got over but haven't. That sentence sure was convoluted!

Thought "I hope R doesn't think I'm ugly" before we met.

Met with R, tenatively agreed to try a friendship on the basis of being able to have progressive and open communication with each other. She agreed she would tell me things even if she thought it would hurt my feelings in the short term, especially in terms of not wanting to talk at the moment. We agreed we would end the relationship, or at least stop it, if either of us were negative and did not progress on it when addressed.

Spoke with M, he seemed more progressive and logical and positive than usual. Still unsure about it.

Day 2 28/1/2010

Felt listless, felt like I didn't have much to do. Normally would hang out with H.

Spoke briefly to R on MSN. After a bit of prodding she revealed she was pleased with how Thursday went, and that she felt less worried about her being the only person I could talk to any more. Said she felt more comfortable talking to me. She said she felt like she had to pass an audition at first (because I was warning her I wouldn't want a relationship if we couldn't discuss things I felt were important) but she felt more at ease about it now.

Had a long heart to heart talk with M, he cried for a lot of it. Realised why did become friends in the first place, and that maybe I have been treating the relationship with less importance than I should. I feel like I am more comfortable being open and honest with females, which after much thought I decided I am more comfortable with sexual partners than I am with "just friends". Decided to talk to him about that next chance I get, to see what he thinks. He said several positive things, stuff like "using logic" and "being honest"- I feel he is not there yet, but if I could open up to him more he would be able to develop further. More on that as it comes.

Day 3 29/1/2010

Dreamt about H again. Ran a lot in the dream, but in a good way- it was a race and I was the fastest? Listened to In The Aeroplane Over The Sea and missed H terribly. Cried, and wanted to call her for reassurance. Resisted.

Felt paranoid that I was being negative in these Journal entries. "I'm all like, I ain't wanna be negative!" GODDAMN ISN'T THAT THE WHOLE POINTADFASfdafsa

Was supposed to jam today, but shit went horrible- missed the bus, and since it's Saturday, it only comes half hourly. Caught the next bus to the train station to find that it was out of service. They had a bus service running in place of the trains, but I'd already missed the first one. The second one was late and apparently "There is something wrong with it". Then it started to rain. Also it was like 37 degrees LOL AUSTRALIA SUMMER. So I ended up cancelling the jam and coming home in a huff. Main thought "I just cannot deal with this shit at the moment".

Day 4 30/1/2010

Dreamt about a girl, maybe H? Dreamt about my little brother, who I hate.

Got pretty upset for external reasons, called H. It was a bit upsetting to talk to her, but also felt like it grounded me and that helped. Feel like I get upset first thing in the morning a lot, and then the rest of the day flt between moping and okay and neutral. Reminds me somewhat of the year after my first girlfriend and I broke up.

Felt really upset. Hit myself and chanted "I miss you I miss you I miss you". Cried a lot. Felt generally down about everything.

Gonna stop this on this forum, continue it over at my blog

http://puttingtheanalinanalysis.blogspot.com/

Never read this until now. This is all very interesting, I'd love to hear more.

http://analysisbyparalysisbyanalysis.blogspot.com/

That's the new blog link. There's tonnes of stuff there. Lemme know what you think.