I don't understand, at least look

I find myself confused as to why we care about the things we care about or the activities we enjoy. My highschool friends were all stoners, one dropped out of college his first semester and I am worried what might happen to me.

I am not sure if am going the right direction in life but I do know the road runs through college and I also know that its alot easier when your able to lean on a friend, but mine would be no help. I see people who are nice and friendly but my inner insecurities keep me from reaching out and taking a chance that someone might actually like me for me not just because I like the same music and enjoy the same escape.

I went insane before starting school the first time and had a manic attack, discovered I was bi-polar and so was and is my father, which would explain the fighting. It really made me think why me? I actually attempted suicide after getting out of the hostpital and slept for a few days but that was it, no end. I don't want to kill myself now and im not entirely sure thats not the drugs talking either (Rx) but this past year I said to myself that I was going to try to find someone to connect with.

So what did I do, I went back to my ex-girlfriend and tried to be a friend which was a terrible idea. Since then I have felt this hole inside of me that wants and wants, its very picky and it needs me to find a friend to fill itself in and patch over.

The thing is I don't even want to try, I start and then stop, ask someone to coffe then never set a date. I can't seem to come to an agreement with myself on what I want, who I want. Im afraid that they will be just as callous and ugly on the inside as most other people I meet who are plugged into the mainstream viewpoint. Whats even more frightening is that I may be a dissapointment to them.

I have searched for the answers in nietszche and found that I am not a sheep nor a wolf but somewhere in the grey. Shakespeare says that love is the most beutiful of our dreams but the worst of our nightmares and I think that the later is what it has become, for me at least.

I need to know If anyone has felt the same sort of displacement, that they just don't fit but don't want to try, or is it don't know how to try to make a friend.

Such a simple word friend, the need to find someone that understands who you are what you have become and still gently allows you to grow.nand yet how hard they are to come by for some even thoo everyone needs one, at least one, we all die alone, I just don't want to live that way.

If you have any thoughts on understanding other people and how to react to the things they do please post. All I see is the bad I need some light here.

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I see people who are nice and friendly but my inner insecurities keep me from reaching out and taking a chance that someone might actually like me for me not just because I like the same music and enjoy the same escape.

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The thing is I don't even want to try, I start and then stop, ask someone to coffe then never set a date. I can't seem to come to an agreement with myself on what I want, who I want. Im afraid that they will be just as callous and ugly on the inside as most other people I meet who are plugged into the mainstream viewpoint. Whats even more frightening is that I may be a dissapointment to them.

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BethewateR, the way I interpret your post is that you are afraid to let people know the real you (because you don't see any likeable/good qualities in yourself?) and that you're coming to lose hope of finding somoene to connect with. Is this generally what you're communicating here?

Assuming that this is the case, I would suggest working form what I would consider to be the start of the problem - your insecurity. Are you able to expand on what the insecurities are within you, that keep you from reaching out to other people?

I personally believe that if you are yourself in front of other people and no one but yourself, it would increase your chances of naturally attracting others you'll be able to connect with to whatever degree. It's certainly always harder to connect with other people if we're all too busy hiding our real thoughts and feelings from each other because we're afraid of what others will think of us.

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I need to know If anyone has felt the same sort of displacement, that they just don't fit but don't want to try, or is it don't know how to try to make a friend.

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I've had that feeling of being isolated from people and feeling completely incapable of making a new friend, let alone someone who understood where I was coming from. I remember how lonely it would make me feel and how much yearning I would have for that one person who just "got" me and understood.

If I were talking to myself back then, I would tell myself to not give up, and keep reaching out to people without hiding your true self, whoever you may be.

You need to make friends? Join some clubs at school! Just don't join the club where they try and get you to drink the purple punch! You have to get involved in something where events are placed and socializing takes place. You make friends by being a friend and a little outgoing. Life experience with someone makes friends.

Jacker Jones I intend to find some fellow snowboarders there hopefully and yes life expierience does create this bond. to understand were I am comming from I had someone send around a rumour, during middleschool, which they said I was going to kill and rape all the jews in the school, a third of my family is jewish. This is the insecurity I face, when I walked through the hallways after sixth grade I could'nt help but feel the stinging sensation of there eyes, and now that I am back in this very same town, (I dont start school until the 25th but am going to take up your advice on clubs) I feel like I am looked at as that psychotic child no matter what. I have a sense of humour and I like who I am as a person, I just don't know how to read how others react to me.

Vigil, that is my insecurity, that they somehow know I have been in mental hostpitals and that im bi-polar and seen as crazy,i lost a close friend when I went manic and it really hurt. I felt like I dissapointed them. I don't like that feeling of betrayl, and it's felt like its happened alot in my lifetime to me.

I act like myself around my family and what friends I do have but there friends that I want to get away from so that I don't end up dropping out.

I guess what I am trying to say is, when I talk to someone or interact with them, I have trouble reading how they react to me and whether I should just leave them alone so thats what I trend towards, leaving them alone.

I don't understand what the problem is. You should always be yourself. If someone doesn't like you or does not know how to take you then fuck em! Simple as that. Surround yourself with people who enrich your life not make it less fulfilling.

I think interpreting the real feelings and honesty in other people, is something we all try to deal with every single day.

I believe that a lot of people appear to put up a certain facade and image when you first meet them, of whatever they think will appear attractive or interesting to other people. You probably do this yourself, or have done it at one time or another. Such social games make it that much harder to really break through and connect with other people on a deeper level. And the hard part about it is that you often feel cornered into playing along with them, because you will not feel secure with people who hide their true intentions and feelings from you, so you feel the need to hide and protect yourself also.

However, you might be able to break down their barriers a little faster if you yourself are open and honest about the real you, as this may lead them to identify with you much more easily. Some may respond to this and let down their own masks, and some won't. You just have to keep trying and don't get discouraged by those who do not show you the acceptance you are looking for.

Someone said something to me a while ago along the lines of - "you're not in charge of other peoples desires. You're are responsible for your own desires, and they are responsible for theirs." Which I think is exactly the case. We have to put some level of trust in the idea that people will follow their own desires, and if that is not us, then that is simply what it is and we move on. You don't have any obligation to try to make people desire you and you shouldn't try to hide yourself in order to make yourself more desireable to others. But believe me, there will be those that will desire you for who you really are.