Thoughts by an Angel of Fire

My Shadow --- written 2008

In the shadows I hide myself
For my shame now seeks me out.
And here my shadow cannot follow
and I will feel no doubt

I run from you and what you do
and what that do might mean.
For if I've turned to you once more
I feel the pain I can't endure.
And life is crashing down around me.

But this can't be true
I don't see you, and I'm not feeling lonely.
And so you'll stay, hidden away
'til the darkness comes to find me

For in the darkness shines a light
and though that light may blind me
I turn away, I turn astray
and there you are to guide me.

Devil of Desire ----- written Nov. 9, 2009


We layed there on my floor, each on our backs, forming a sort of human "t". On the bottom was I, I like a pillow; her head resting on my chest, rising and falling with each inhale and exhale I performed. We were as one. Mere friends, I was consoling her in her grief over recent misfortune that had befallen her.

I now feel guilt, because in the hour we rested there, I had taken her hand in mine, and out of a burning longing for my own tactile comfort, I began to stroke the back of her hand. It was a loving, comforting, and yet murderously sensual touch. It continued, and for the first time in far too long my heart was warm, content.

It was not lust, it was not love, it was the heavenly energy of a compassion expressed through sensational encounter. With my arm over her shoulder, lying across her body in an embrace, a firm but gentle grip on her hand, and an occasional departure from this endeavor to softly run my finger tips and nails through the hair on her crown with a soothing, massaging touch upon her head with each pass, I felt alive.

Certainly I was only here to comfort her in her time of need, but it soon came to be my own therapeutic device. The desire for a tactile comfort with a girl had throbbed in my heart for so long, and like an addict I had found my fix. The temporary comfort that I had so longed for. Again in my remission I've become a pathetic excuse for a man.

A week gone by and the inevitable tearing in my emotions takes hold. Can I survive like a drug addicted fiend; insufferably awaiting my next hit of that sweet, sensual touch that will take me higher than the clouds for a day or two and then crashing to a dark inescapable abyss of loneliness until I can stumble across my next fix?

I pray to the Lord my life grants me better fortune than that. How shameful am I who takes another's pain and transforms it into my blessing? What devil am I that I can feed off such sorrow? Forgive me Lord, I know now what I do.

" 'Who' is but the form following the function of 'what', and what I am is a man in a mask."
-V for Vendetta-

Angel of Fire

This is a very unique name you have chosen for yourself. The same fire that destroys also purifies. I listen to you and I hear a heart that dwells in the shadow of pain, hidden in the darkness, uncertain of what the light may reveal.

Are you convinced that your attempt at self evaluation is real?, or is it totally darkened because of your apparent opinion of yourself? " It was not lust, it was not love, it was the heavenly energy of a compassion expressed through sensational encounter ". Sensational encounter, or sensual encounter?

You experienced real emotions that you may not understand, but your desire from within to receive, or to take in these emotions, reflects your same desire to share this heavenly energy of compassion.

Where did this energy come from? Heavenly energy from within? Do you have enough understanding of pure unselfish love generated by compassion to say it was not love? I believe you know it was not lust.

In your attempt to comfort your friend you caused yourself to acknowledge an emptiness within your own heart, the emotions that brought you comfort and pleasure were generated from a heart attempting to comfort another.

Was this selfishness or were you at a loss to fill an emptiness in your friends heart that you find needs filled in your own? what can we know of love if we are hidden within the shadows of our own disappointment and pain?

It is not love, not a love for her particularly. I have felt an empty space for quite some time now, and that is a large part of that empty space, I'm almost convinced. Its been a difficult couple of years for me, a lot of emotions have been flung about. I'm glad you've taken an interest in my personal creative writing experience, but I can assure you that it was not the love of a partner that I felt, rather precisely what I expressed as the love and desire to feel the warmth of a woman against my cold skin.

I find it interesting to see that you feel I may have been at a loss to fill an emptiness in her heart, but I knew then as has been confirmed that my attempt at comforting her was very successful.

I also thoroughly approve of your interpretation of the name I have chosen for this post, it is kind of the way I have felt for a while, and what I've been suppressing, I'm hoping that this website can be my outlet, and that people like yourself will add your comments whenever and where you feel you would like.

Hey Angel of Fire, lift up thine head

God has already given us eternal partners, we may or may not have recognized them yet. I am not talking about that type of eternal relationship.

What you feel inside of you is the love of a brother towards a sister. In the eternal we are all to be brothers and sisters, I am the firstborn of many brothers.

This type of love brings you and her, both pleasure and comfort. You have difficulty understanding The essence of Gods love, this is the essence we will abide in, within infinity.

Love is God's essence, pleasure is his playground, we are his children. True freedom only exist in love.