Where's My Light?

Its been quite some time. I seem to be stuck in this bottomless pit of relentless loneliness. I'm beginning to see things as Descartes theorized, but not just one of his thoughts, a compilation of them....

Everyone is but a construct of my own mind, there to keep me company, there to maintain my happiness. Everything I see, experience, love, hate, its all something I've made up. You people reading this, who may or may not respond, are people that I've subconsciously created. The things you write are things I thought up, and things that I unknowingly want myself to read.

On the other hand some supreme, superior being seems to be fooling me. It would appear that these people I've created, these life events that I'm causing myself to experience, have been influenced by some outside force clearly more powerful than myself, to seemingly cause me pain.

What does this mean for me? Does that mean that I'll never be happy? Will I be lonely forever? Am I better off alone? Is everyone else better off with me alone? Do you see how pathetic I'm subconsciously making myself?

Screw this shit. Even if I did make this all up, and I am torturing myself, why haven't I provided myself with an out? Where is the light in my fucking tunnel?

As always I must settle at resignation. I just have to go through each day, looking for a beam of light that I will probably never find. I need a new place, I need new faces, I need a new damn life.

Do you still feel this way? How have you been coping?

This reminds me of the "I feel alienated" post in the anonymous thread. Just an observation...

Do you find yourself relating to that post at all?