I am not exactly sure why I am writing here

I guess I am trying to free my mind by writing it here. I feel like I am absolutely lost for soem reason, I got the feeling that I am scared of life?! I think I am hurting myself mentally and trying to break anything which makes me happy just to feel bad again. I am not sure why but I think I am doing exactly what I shouldn't. And I don't know what to do or how to behave so I simply stop hurting myself and enjoy life. Did anybody ever have a feeling like that?!

"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose. - Tom Krause"
My belief with ever post I make here is long this vein thinking.

If it makes you feel any better, I have felt this way. And I'm sure every other human on the planet has at some time.

The fact you are now trying to analyze yourself to work out where you're going wrong so you can rectify it is the first step.

Perhaps you could write about your feelings in more detail. Not only will it be cathartic, it will maybe give others more to go on and more to relate to so you don't feel so alone.

I actually did feel like that, it was when i first became dissilusioned i guess you could say. When I asked a deacon why i should believe in god he just said "because you should" there was no logic in his answer, granted I was only twelve at the time, thoughts of postmodernism began to creep into my mind and i became obsessed with why i was still here on this earth, what existance was what life and its purpose was. I became more concerned with the why instead of the how, it got to the point were i had a manic episode over these and some other personal matters. i realized through that very surpirizing expierance (to say the least) that i should stop worring about the purpose of life but just the simple fact that it existed, just going with the flow realizing you can never know or control everything. from there i was able to loosen up and enjoy life, id also endorce smoking some pot is you havent, the spiritual effects are priceless, dont waste the high really think about yourself and what you want out of life, from there you can create your own personal philosophy to live by this "code" will help you find that balance and when i searched for my own personel philosophy it was a great expirence. try starting with beyond good and evil by friedrich nietszche, then go on from there i guarentee you will enjoy yourself hope this helps

I once was on magic mushrooms and I came to the realization that nobody knows what is going on. Really we are nothing but bacteria on a rock moving through space at whatever speed we are going at. I realized that well i may not know what is going on I can really just do what I want and what I have to do to keep breathing.

I don't think I am really able to explain what exactly is happening. But sometimes I just tend to write down what I think. I just write whatever is running a marathon through my little useless mind. E.g. the following:

Once again I feel lonely, darkness surrounding my mind, my soul. One moment I am in it, a deep creepy hole.It seems impossible to get out of there or even just look out of it. And there I am on my knees, begging to, I don't know actually who, to save me. Telling myself "There you go again, running after some dead dreams, looking for lost hope. You've been seeking it for so long, too long.There is no way back, Come on face the truth, you are just another failure."
Woke up, silence broke by one of those neverending trains, once again they are passing by, with all that noise surrounding them. And I keep staring at the sky, asking myself where that peace was I've felt being a child. It seems so close and still too far, too far to see it, to touch it, to live it. I miss the feeling of being free, being able to just do as you feel. Life changes so fast, you are looking into the unknown, into pure darkness and there is this light that hits your eyes, and you are so fascinated by it s appearance, that even though it hurts, you keep looking right into it.Sometimes I have this feeling in my chest, I see all those wonderful things happen arround me, but I can't find a way to enjoy it, not the way I would have done years ago. Now I look at those things, asking myslf whether I am actually capable of enjoying anything. I know I am supposed to, but then there is this little part of me nagging , telling me I dont deserve it. And I simply trust that voice, telling myself I do not deserve anything of those good things happening around me. And there the bitter truth, I am chaining myself to a life filled with this darkness full of tears. Absolutely mindcuffed, persuaded to a point, that those happy moments begin disappearing on their own. I am my own evil, making myself cry over the pain I feel. Denying the fact at that point, that it is myself who inflicts that pain.Sometimes it feels like the only purpose in my life is to keep hurting myself with anything which should actually make me happy.

I guess I am a wierdo

I know how you feel that darkness closing in on you that despair and sadness crushing your very soul. The way it makes your head feel like it's being crushed or about to explode becuase of the thuoghts it creates. The fact that even though the pain is in your mind it has a very real effect on you like a hand slowly closing it's grasp on your heart. The only way to stop this is to face the beast inside of you. No one will come to your rescue the only one who can save you is yourself. My advice when you find yourself alone at home go to the bathroom stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself. Ask yourself questions like "why do i feel this way?" and "How did i become so weak? When i know i am so strong" Introspection helped me get over it i learned some hard truths about myself but in the end it was good for me. This is all i can offer i hope you feel better.

Learn, comment, ask, post, teach, enjoy

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."
Albert Einstein

I feel you Jadah - weirdos unite!