Advice would be nice

Alright, I haven't posted very much on this site, but I feel as though I can say how I feel and get honest feedback. Wether it be negative, or positive, I don't really care, I just need some opinions and help.

I've been in a relationship for 2+ years. It's been a very hard relationship, but over all I'm very content with it. My boyfriend is a great guy, and I love him very much, but there are some things I wish I could understand about him; and some things I wish would get better.

He's been out of a job now for quite some time, and has no to very little income. He also doesn't have his own car, so he shares with his mom. Also, he has no cell phone, so getting a hold of him is constantly a challenage, epecially when he tells me he's going to call me, and never does. This is so stressful on both of us, but I at times I think our problems affect me more. We've been together for so long, and yet we hang out only 1-2 times a week. I only want to spend time with him. I try not to be greedy, I try to understand that his life is very hard right now, but... whenever I feel like I'm improving and understanding, something happens and I lose it. Either he doesn't call me, he's gone for 3 days straight and I can't get a hold of him, or he says we'll hang out, and then all of the sudden, we can't.

I have a work schedule after school, so I always try to take a few extra days off in hopes he'll ask me to hang out with him, and that it will actually happen. But, he never asks me. I ask him. I call him. I plan out everything for us. I feel like, I'm the only one holding this together. I'm also going to be starting tennis in a few weeks and going to work, and doing homework. How will I be able to plan seeing him? Will he even step up and do it?

He's been working at trying to get a loan to start his own business, but that has been going on for some time now. And finally, something is beginning to surface. He keeps telling me things will get better, he cares about me, he wants everything to work out, but then he'll go and do his same old normal crap. Then, he expects me to understand and forgive him each and everytime. When I get upset at the things he does I yell, I call him names, even if I don't mean them. I can be very confusing, but whenever I try to explain the way I feel to him, he tells me that I'm the only person he knows who would act that way. I shouldn't feel that way. Blah blah blah.

I don't know what to do. I love him so very much. I want this to work out, and I can't stand being away from him. I just don't know what to do. People tell me to leave, and I try to, but I just can't do it. Maybe it for the best?

I understand what you feel even though I'm a male and everything but in a way its best that you don't see each other that often as it can get very tiresome and ruin a good relationship, you just need to calm down and not get so stressed take your time and if nothing improves maybe its for the best to leave or just have a break from it for awhile it sounds like its stressing you out quite abit and thats not good for you or him especially if you have school and h/w and stuff like that. Just give it time if nothing improves maybe its time to call it a day

I know. The fact is. I don't spend enough time with him. For the first year and a half of our relationship, my parents wouldn't allow us to see each other because they didn't like the 3 year age differences.

So, we would sneak around, and I would lie to my parents all the time just to see him. Then finally, when I could see him normally, all this started. So, we're back to the beginning. I actually see him less now. The only thing that has changed is my parents allow us to see each other, but we can't. that's what I think the problem is. I don't see him enough, and when I get mad about it, he tells me I'm too needy.

But really.. is hanging out 2-3 days a week that bad?
Every couple I see is together 24/7.

It sounds like hes a real procrastinator. And hes happy with the way the relationship is since hes probably getting sex whenever he feels horny and can blow you off when he feels like doing other stuff.

Since its been this way for a while and he knows how you feel about the situation, I don't think hes going to change. And trying to force him to change will just make him angry at you. And blame you for the way he acts more than he does already.

Your head already tells you what I and others will tell you to do. But your heart will overrule it when he tells you he loves you and gives you flowers. And he knows this too.

If your happy with things how they are, then stay. If you're not happy, but like the routine you've become used to, then stay. If you're unhappy, you do know there are other guys who might treat you better. Its just that its scary to break the habit of being in a long term relationship. Even if its not a healthy one.

But you yourself have to find the courage to do what you already know is the right thing to do.

Sorry if Im being blunt and not giving any decent advice but its six in the morning and Im still half asleep.

You're right. I know I should leave, but whenever I try, I break down and call him again. Part of me wants to leave and show him how much he'd really miss me, but then the other half wants to be with him and love him for what he is.

To be honest, I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all with the way things are. He tells me he's trying, but then he goes and does the same exact things that make me mad. Then he wonders why I'm upset.

But on the flip side, when we hang out, I always have fun with him. He makes me smile and laugh. I can talk to him about anything. He knows everything about me, and I couldn't be happier (when I'm with him).

quote:

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I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all with the way things are.

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If this is how you can talk about your relationship and you've tried many times to change it- and you're still in the same situation, then you know that in a couple of years time it will still be the same.

And it will probably deteriorate as you get even more tired of "the same old crap" as you put it. Till the whole thing ends on a bad note and you wish you hadn't wasted those years in a less than satisfactory relationship.

But you're young and only you can learn from your mistakes.

As for how he makes you feel when you are together. Ask anyone who is in love with a guy and they will describe the exact same stuff as your experiencing. So hes not unique in the way he can make you feel. If it was a different guy you were with, you'd still be happy when your together and you'd still laugh at all his jokes. But he might not call you needy if you want to be with him more than a few times a week.

Some people need to be together allot. Some people need their space and independence. Its just that you both seem incompatible in that area, which is leading to neither of you being happy with the others demands.

Id also wait to see what others have to say, since they have a better grasp of these things than I do. Its better to get another perspective before I put you off him too much.

I wish you the best though.

Chained wings makes some very good points. You've just got to think of ourself wether its what you want or not and if your generally happy and if your not, do whats best for yourself, I've been in situations like this before you have to think of yourself first sounds horrible but its true because in the long run its best for both people if you put your health first and explain its hurting you emotionally and psychologically since your feeling this way about things

Huh. I know. I wish things were easier though. He seems so sincere when he tells me all his plans for the future, and how he wants me there with him. Maybe I'm being fooled?

I feel so comfortable with him though. I'm afraid to start over with someone else. I'm afraid of things like this happening again. I just picture myself with him. Am I fooling myself?

It depends really, I was fooled into that once all these thoughts about the future but at such a young age its not worth thinking about the future just think about the present and what you feel most atm.

You yourself said your not happy and thats the main ting your own happiness. I know its a scary thing starting over but its also exciting and who knows it could be the best thing ever. But if you've got strong feelings for this guy then you should try and work things out but only if you see something coming out of this not just if your comfortable.

It seems to me like there are two focal points here. The first being your concerns about the amount of time available to spend together and the second being that he does not follow through on what he says.

Now I don't know your situation so any other details you want to add will be helpful, but from what I do know I can safely say a few things.

The actual amount of time together needs to be brought up to him very clearly and blatantly. If you have already expressed your concerns and he has done nothing to change this, most likely he does not respect you or your feelings.

If he is continually telling you he will change in some regard, and you are continually let down, that is called lying. No matter how you want to twist it around to make it seem alright, he is lying to you on a regular basis. Even if he has all kinds of justifications, and he probably does.

So, if you are fine being with a liar who doesn't respect you, then by all means stay with him.

The situation is probably fixable, however. And I would say Chained Wings has led you down a good path of thought.

Being the ambassador of young love(hahaha), I have to put my two-cents worth in.

I agree with Wyote. Nuff said.

Whether he realizes it or not, he is the bad guy here. Are you being fool? Maybe. But sometimes, things like that are worth the risk. And if the outcome turns out to be a negative one, then you will at least learn.

And like Wyote said, it is more than likely fixible, but I think he needs to be fully aware of your feelings before that can take place.

You guys are helping me a lot.

Here's some more details. His situation is really tough, atleast, he says it is. Since he doesn't have a car, he has to ask his mom when he can use it, and for how long. A lot of the time his mom will forget he asked to use it (so he says, sometimes I think he might have just forgotten to ask her, and tried to do it last minute, since that's happened before.) and go out and do her own thing, then get home late when, at that point, it's pointless to hang out.

This is the part when I get upset. I would have planned out our whole day. What we're going to do, when we're going to do it, how much everything will cost, how long we'll be gone etc...

Then, I would call his mom's cell phone (since he doesn't have his own) to confirm that everything was okay. Little did I know this would happen:

Me: Hi can I talk to __
Mom: Oh, I'm not at home right now, I have some things I need to get done, it'll be a few hours. I'll him call you when I get home.
Me: Oh, okay.

A few hours pass, I still haven't gotten a phone call. I wait another hour or so and call back.
Me: Hi, can I talk to __
Mom: Oh yeah, hang on.

What?! You mean she's been home, and you haven't called me?! I believe he doesn't want to call me at this point because he's afraid I'm going to be mad, which I am, and he's afraid I'll yell, which I do. Sometimes, I don't listen to him when his reasons may be good, and it may not be his fault, but I can't help it. All I want is time to spend with him, of course I'm going to be upset when that time is taken away, since we have such little time together as it is.

Then, he'll get frustrated and be mad at me. Before I know it, I'm crying my eyes out, and calling my friends for comfort, because my heart and chest are killing me, I have the worst headache, and I wish I could just get over him.

I don't want to put the blame all on him, because I have my problems too. I get very angry, very easy. But, thats only been recently, because all of this is happening. He may not agree with that, if he reads this, but I know it's true. I never use to be this angry all the time, until about a year and a half into our relationship.

This started, because that was when I finally turned 16, and I was able to see him on a normal basis. It was suppose to be the BEST summer of our lives! Yet, he had to move 25 minutes away, with no car. He had to rely on his roommate to let him borrow his car. Let's just say I was let down time and time again over that time frame, and I don't think I've fully gotten over it. Plus, I was offered to go to Europe with my best friend that summer, but I turned it down because of the fact that I was suppose to spend the summer with him. Andd... I never got to.


I'm mentally and physically drained. I need attention and comfort from him, but I haven't got that in about a week. I want to talk to him about this face to face. I just get so angry when I see him and try to talk to him that way, because he just stares at me and hardly says anything. Then, my frustration and anger just gets worse.

OH DEAR!! HERE COMES MY OPINION (brace for the worst)
first of all, parrallelshabba has had a lot of experience with dead end relationships.
my opinion however NEVER helps b'coz of my way of speaking which makes sound like a jerk(and thats being nice.)

and believe it or not i agree with wyote AND chainedwings

Wow that must be really hard to deal with. you shouldnt pin all your hopes on seeing him if you know you can't its a shame you couldn't go on that trip. The signs already show that your fed up since your getting so anrgy and frustrated with this and if it carries on this way it may only get worse, then again i'm not an expert or anything, and Wyote has some very good points. Maybe when you call he is scared that your gonna be mad but thats not exactly your fault, and we all have problems nobodys perfect but the blame doesn't seem to be shared exactly as its not your fault this is the way you feel since he has made you feel this way, i'm not saying leave the guy or dislike him in anyway i'm just saying you may want to re assess this thing