Bad Thoughts in My Head

I have this recurring thought that everything is a dream. Maybe you've thought about this before. When I imagine this to be true (if it is true) I don't think that everyone in my life is a robot that is controlled by me but rather different pieces of me spread out to reveal to me different parts of myself.

It scares me to say this but I feel like I can sympathize with any person on this planet, even the sick, twisted, fucked up people like Jeffrey Dahmer or the columbine kid or ted bundy or the iceman. I can imagine why Jesus did what he did. I feel to some extent or another that I've experienced at least something like what they've been through and I understand why they did what they did.

This idea about life doesn't really comfort me... It frightens me really. The control and the responsibility that would be inevitable if this were true is overwhelming.

I'm scared of what I could become. I understand how easy it is to slip into contradictions. I get the sneaking suspicion that irony is unavoidable.

Don't think I'm trying to say I want to hurt anybody... I would hurt/restrain myself if it came down to it before I'd hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anybody at all. I don't even want the thought of hurting anybody. I just want everyone to be happy. I don't want to owe anyone anything. I don't want to scare anyone. I just want to be exactly how I feel like being and not have people worry about me.

That's what happened when I completely stopped lying. I stopped caring about how I was perceived and just said exactly what was on my mind. My Dad and Stepmom accused me of being suicidal, maybe because it was such a drastic change from the happy, awkward kinda-queit kid I played for them. They likened me to Charles Manson. God, I don't even want to be around people when they accuse me of these things.

When that was said of me I lost a lot of trust within myself. I wondered "Am I in control of my own motives?" I swear I've seen pure evil. I know it exists and it's the last thing I want to become.

I don't know how everyone else is but sometimes sick fucked up thoughts will just pop into my head out of nowhere and I don't at all want these things to happen. I feel like I've been poisoned and I don't know how to fix myself. I want my thoughts to be pure and righteous and I want to love everyone uninhibited.

I thought that saying exactly what was on my mind was the answer to that kind of life but it just ended up making me more confused and more fearful. Less trustworthy of myself.

I don't feel suicidal either. I've never attempted nor wanted to attempt suicide but I have thought about what it would be like and the repercussions it would have on the people around me.

I really feel very confused and alone. I want a relationship with someone that's true and real. I don't just want some fuck-buddy. I feel incapable of that. I don't know who it would be. I don't know if anyone's out there for me.

I fantasize sometimes of being with different people in an intimate way. Being silly and dumb with them. Making love to them. (By the way, right now I'm very confused about my sexuality. I'm pretty inexperienced sexually and I have fantasized over both men and women before. I could be bisexual but I don't know for sure.)

Is it weird that I have a pervading feeling of loneliness when I consider the entire universe to be pieces of me?

I want there to be something that I can't control. Something that isn't me. I wonder if such a thing could exist. This whole idea of everything being a dream makes so much sense to me.

I see its signs of being true everywhere. We all look and act so much alike. Even animals share in the semblance. I couldn't imagine it any other way.

What's the solution? Hell, what's the problem?

What is your sense of accountability? What is your sense of purpose? If you feel you will not act on these thoughts, what specifically do you fear? What is your sense of resolve in this matter?

All states of mind bend and twist how things are viewed to console the ego. Only no-mind is a pure reflection of what is.Whats inside you is in us all. We are all ordinary humans and unique individuals. If a mirror were to hold on to all the reflections that passed by it-it would be cluttered up very quick. Ideas and beliefs further distort. Reflect on your thoughts and let them go- they are dead.
Try to be a witness to these thoughts instead of a participant.
Your desire to become is the root of your pain.
Just be as you are and let go, you are the chooser-choose not.
Trust in your being, not just your thoughts(all thoughts come from the outside and desire to become)and be free from control.
It is impossible to fit the infinite existence into your finite thoughts-see the futility? Your thoughts are a small part of your being,and they don't even belong to you! Thoughts create limits on your being and frustration is the result. In order to pass through an area space is needed, in order to exist as a being in infinite existence-infinite space within is needed. Nothing can touch the purity and innocence in us all, the nature of existence is from the inside-out(being). The mind tricks you into seeing things as from the outside-in(ego) to make you a servant. You are the master, the mind is to be used as a part of your being.