indifferent

So lately, as my title implies, i've been very indifferent. I don't know why, but for whatever reason I just feel kind of numb. Some crazy things have happened recently and the only thing that has really gotten any kind of response out of me is when I hurt other people.

I hate that feeling. Cause I'm the one who fixes the problem, not causes it. But even with things like that I can't put my whole heart into fixing what i've damaged, i don't have the desire and determination I usually do.

I can feel myself searching for something, but I don't know what. There is a light in my heart that keeps my indifference from turning to a depression, but I don't even know what it is. I can't pursue what I can't find.

I just feel so lost, Nothing makes me happy for more than a little while, the only thing I seem to feel is sadness, and anger, but they aren't even full emotions. Except maybe the anger, that's always been there.

I just wish i knew for sure what was going on. I don't like being on that edge where i'm indifferent, but still care about things a little bit. I'd rather just not care at all. I'd rather not be falling for this girl, i'd rather not be hurt by what she does and says, i'd rather not hurt my ex, and i'd prefer it if I could just ignore my feelings all together, or feel them to full extent. At least then i wouldn't be lost, confused, alone, and tired of this shit.

Not really askin a question... just gettin it off my chest.