Something to do with life.

Anything written here is dedicated to anyone who can relate.

Sometime in winter 08',
My friends have foresaken me... JP has become malicious. The trailer park is no longer benign. My home is elsewhere. This land that they call X-town has turned from dream to nightmare. I am an asset to Z at this point, not a friend. I'm distant, distant from all and everything, plagued with delusional fantasies of fame and glory, haunted by ideals set firmly in stone, carved by my own hand from long ago. There's nothing left for me here. I must find that fertile land from far away, divorced from ridicule and malice. I will only be ridiculed and ostracized if I stay here.

In the vestiges of my "homeland" I am but a ghost of my former self. I come and I go rarely noticed only by those who remember who I was. It is far too cold in X-town to shed my skin there. I wear it for warmth, the very little I can milk. My mother, the only one who warms my naked self without restraint. Yes, this northern land is far too cold for the likes of me. I'm very scared. What am I to do for support? What if my homeland isn't out there? I long for security and yet I despise it.

Am I deceiving myself? Are these ideals I live by reasonable? Possible? Will I die poor and lonely? I worry terribly. The words of the great ones resonate in my mind while the dim reality leers upon me. I'm so alone. It's presence must penetrate my front even as if only some far off candle in a window. I long to live but don't know how. Do I have what it takes to achieve what I want as Dylan says? As all the greats say? I'm operating off of faith alone at this point.

3/29/08,
I feel like I have some sort of human repellent seeping from all of my pores. I went to Nick's SSBB party and everything was good until the crowd filtered down into the video game purists. When that happened I felt out of place. I felt guilty asking for a remote. I didn't talk much. I wasn't integral. Perhaps it's not me. Maybe the crowd filtered into a people I'm not. I just feel so alone. I envy the relationship Nick has with Alison. Nick is better than me at video games. I used to be the best at video games.

I guess in all those kids I see who I could have been. What I chose not to be. I'm terribly lonely. I feel that when I finally get good at something or when I finally have something, it becomes no good to me. It loses all value. I have no idea why this is. Perhaps it's because I do things for all the wrong reasons... that could very well be. I remember the day Ryan said to me after I showed him one of my raps. He said "You always do this. You always get better than me at everything." After he said that I pretty much stopped rapping. As if I were waiting for him to say those very words. That was my stop sign, not my motivation to go further...