Evaluate me

This is a journal entry of mine from a couple of days ago.

March 27,

I feel shitty and lost and confused right now. What the hell am I going to do? I'm a little drunk right now. I felt my face droop a little bit when I was talking to Vince at dinner. It was the same feeling as when I was starting to have a bad trip at Brad's. I was so out of the moment. I don't even know what triggered it. It was like BAM! I was instantly uninterested and detached and I had to fake that everything was fine. I dont know what triggered it. I'm scared of myself. After dinner I got into a really contemplative mood and I refrained from talking as much as possible. Again I don't know why. I just did. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to listen. I felt like when I talk when I'm not bing asked something or when I don't need to tell someone something that I'm like "Look at me!" and that's a selfish, needless thing.

So after I was being all quiet around the desk worker/people (acquaintances in my dorm) I just started walking around because I didn't wanna be in the room and listen to my roommate Jeff talk about boring things. So I just walked alone all around campus waiting for a car load of kids or somethin to just be like "hop in man!" but it never happened and so I headed toward Late Nite (a late night food service) and end up passing Adam who I was quiet around earlier. I had my hood up because it was drizzling and I guess I was feeling a little crummy (my face felt like it was drooping) and Adam said "you look creepy as hell." in the most serious tone imaginable. It made me feel even worse. I began to mistrust my intentions again. I swear ever since that bad trip I had with my friend John I've had these spells of dread. Actually, during that bad trip was the first time I think. I was in utter dread then. Nothing worse.

I wish more than anything that I could just trust myself not to do anything I'd regret. I want so bad to be good spirited and loving. All I want is to be able to love but I'm starting to feel incapable and this scares me. I want to be kind hearted like an innocent child... Could I ever achieve such a thing? I don't want any sadistic thoughts. I want to be purified. Where did I go wrong? I love my mom but I can't express it. I mean... How do I know I love anyone? I want to love! I want to be sincere and kind and gentle and caring. I've become a monster. I'm scared.

Simplest forms.
You cannot get rid of feelings of anger or mistrust. Logic and emotion do not exist in the same realm and therefore must be dealt with differently. Where were you before this all started (mentally). Where do you want to go logically? What does it require of you?

I promise you one thing - if you're honest, to yourself and people around you, you will see how plain things can be and still make you content. Maybe happy requires more effort, but start at content, which includes comfort with yourself.

This might sound bad, but it might not hurt to smoke some salvia with someone you trust sitting for you. Some 10x extract might give you the trip to selftwon you need to reflect more deeply for a shorter amount of time.

Funny you should mention salvia. It has been on my mind now for some time to try it. I'm a little apprehensive, I've heard stories about it and I know what tripping's like (I've taken shrooms numerous times.) I'm still trying to find myself and know who I am unquestionably.

Thank you for your thoughtful advice.

From personal experience with hallucinogenic drugs, I've noticed that salvia is not comparable to any other. It feels like a completely different trip. Under the right conditions, in my opinion, can be more potent (not in a bad way) than any other drug.

~ oh, and, be nice to the pretty lady (hehe)

Having to rediscover yourself is a very interesting process.

this sounds freakishly similar to the path that I've been through as well. Earlier years all my thoughts were cynical and pessimistic.. I wanted nothing to do with the world unless it was in peril. But somewhere along the line I discovered "life" I guess you could say through hallucinogenics. I saw the monster I became and it scared the life out of me (almost literally) I began to see and feel how good being able to love and be kind felt inside of me. It seems I've become addicted to this feeling.

Also, if you can find a reliable source of LSD. If you wish to truly spend an eternity evaluating yourself and make a lifetime resolution to know what it is to love and kind hearted, there's no better way than that. I'm surprised I haven't convinced myself of the mindset of a monk or saint because of that night.

Indulge yourself in nothing but happiness - every single day. Indulge yourself in nothing but positive thoughts - every single day. Sooner than you think you'll notice the transition.

Thanks for the advice Mugen. I see myself become less cynical... I have been in much darker mindsets than the one I'm in now. It's interesting that you say you've gone through bouts of this as well. I'm starting to see and understand what being in the moment is and what living actually is and it's new and old and different and familiar all at the same time. I feel like I know it already... that it's my most natural state but somewhere along my life I stopped for some reason... maybe fear. I'm not sure.

I think this journey I'm on to find myself is more accurately a journey to find the hang ups preventing me from being myself.

Thanks again for the insights.