Exercises In Vulnerability

This is hard to explain.

I do this thing. I remember all the pain I have ever felt and I take as much in as possible. As it all starts to come I can feel it in my chest, but I do the things most people do when they feel something bad and I start to block it out and htink of something else, but what I do then is tell myself that I am not allowing myself to feel the emotions I am naturaly feeling. Im not forcing those emotions in a fake way, I bring them on by listening to music that makes me feel a weird way.

So I play the music and I lay down and I start to remember all the "things." A smile usually hits me and my chest start to get a sinking feeling. It feels over wellming and heavy. And all the time my body is trying to reject the bad feelings and make them go away, but I force myself to lower my gaurd, and everytime I do it becomes more intense. It gets to the point that I can actually "feel" it and i start tossing and turning in the bed as if I have some sort of poison. Like when you get depressed and you want to shout "get it out of me" thats what I am feeling. And I take as much of that in as I possibly can. I try to feel as bad and horrible as I possible can, and eventually, once I start dealing with all the bad feelings and concluding why they are coming and understanding more and more about them, after that starts the smiles start to come back and I start laughing. Usually at this point tears start rolling down my face and I decide that I have had enough. I stop laying there and get up and after I sit up and wipe my tears I get this feeling that can only be described as "high." I become extremely happy and I feel very very light.

THe first time I did this was about 2 months after I broke up with my ex, but I stopped doing it soon after I had my emotional break down. I realize now that ever since I have been feeling that I havnt been really doing my "job" as far as living a life of person who is trying to be enlightened. But now that I have come back to it, and now that I have realized tha it isnt the most important thing in the world, something I accomplished while I was NOT practicing those emotions, I feel that I can balance my Exercises In Vulnerability, with attempts at becoming more knowledgable in general, and more knowledgable about why I feel that way when I remember all the things that make me feel overwhelmed.

I know that was a bad explanation, so ask qeustions so I can explain it better.

And does anyone else do this, or have you done it, and where has it brought you?

As for me, I usualy just think of it as just another issue that you deal with. Like a pebble in your shoe. Its something you deal with, you just walk with it lets say. Sure it can be uncomfterble but your still dealing with it. There isnt any magic pill to make everything go away and non-existent.

I've been through a few bad years, various life jokes sent to kick me in the arse and test me to the absolute limit. My kids keep me going but you know what, you're right, life is one big lesson and when you can learn from all the shit that's pushed through your letter box life can only get better.

I do something very similar to you, I meditate, I pray, I sometimes go to church or just overdose on star trek, I keep a poetry and dream diary to try to make sense of my chaotic thoughts and feelings and I just keep living. And then I smile and I keep on smiling and it really does make you feel better... I think laughter really is the best medicine.

well best medicine is yourself, best adivsor is yourself, best teacher is yourself, in essence you can do whatever you want, it's the hinderance of how much you can percieve on a self comprehension level thus materialism