Awakendwraith's Pain

This is my story. This is my pain. These are my thoughts... I don't understand them.

Part of the reason I am doing this is so that others can see what I have been through and what I am. Partly because as of this very moment, I am lonely and bored. Partly because I am so used to coming to this site it is a second nature. Partly because I want some emotion from outside factors, yes I am pathetic.

I have nothing. Well, I have some stuff. I have about 8 hundred dollars, and a freind or two that will go away in a little while. I have a roof over my head, that will go away in a little while. And I have my headache.

My mother is a severely abused insane woman who married the first guy that showed her any form of love. She is paranoid, a drugy, abusive, over protective, lazy, and a horrible parent.

My father is an alcholic drug addicted high-school drop out who's father beat him all of the time in many different ways for the entirety of his life. These beatings and abusive were not founded by discipline, but only a grandfather who beat his dad. He is the typical "bad-ass idiot." He too is one of the worst parents ever.

My older brother used to be as smart as me. Right around when I joined this site. Now I have surpassed him on so many levels it is ridiculous. He never liked me when we were growing up. He always picked on me and made me cry. It made me pretty strong though. I can take a lot because of him. He got his girlfreind pregnant at the age of 16, had a kid by 17. She was 14, then 15 when she gave birth.

We have always been poor. From the beggining. My brother and mom lived in a shelter when he was a baby and my mom was pregnant with me. My dad was in jail for dealing L.S.D. My mom waited tables for the most of her life and my dad had back breacking job after back breacking job.

It was never really that bad. We didn't always have a lot of food, but we had enough to last me and my brother.

When I was in 6th grade my dad beat the holy hell out of my mother. This happen a lot of the time. He also beat the shit out of us a lot, but I honestly don't remember the degree of it. I do know that my brother took some really bad beatings on my account before.
Here's an example. My brother was once at a freinds house and my dad told him to come home to show him his report card. My brother replied with C's and D's and my dad, he was in the fourth grade, slammed him into the wall and kicked himin the stomach and slapped the crap out of his head. Beat him some more in the room where I couldn't see and then shut the door, locked it from the outside, and didn't let him eat. Then, about a half hour later, my dad went in there and beat the shit out of him again for what seemed to be no reason. He continued to do this for a few hours and kept taunting him with more and mroe beatings as he would leave the room. I remember these words exactly. "I'll be back in a little while with your hourly beating you son of a bitch!" And I remember my brother screaming at the top of his lounges, in that desperate movie scream manner, "Nooooo!" While he was crying. I too got C's and D's on that report card and didn't get in any trouble.

I think shit like that happend a lot. Like I said, I can't remeber much.

Anyway, he was kicking the shit out of my mom for something we had done and he ended up breacking two of her ribs and fucking her face and stuff up pretty bad. My brother went down stairs after he left and picked her up off of the kitchen floor. She went to the hospital and the cops arrested my dad and we were then living on our own.

During this time my mom had three jobs, and no car, and no good freinds to give her a rde anywhere. This lasted for about two months then my dad got out on a work release program and the first time I saw him I almost pissed my self. I think I was like 11. We had acted like nothing had happend and my mom quit two of her jobs.

One time my dad just didn't go back to the jail house. Instead he went to florida where he had family. I will come back to this point in my life, after i explain my early childhood.

I had a freind once. I wrote a poem about her. I was five yaers old and her name was Charlie. She was my best freind for a whole year, and at that point in time, that was almost my whole life. We did everything together and we were always happy. I know now that I loved her. My dad, at this place, beat the shit out of my mom, something I didn't know at the time, and we had to move. I kept in contact with her for a few weeks, then we stopped. We moved to a place that was owned by one of my moms freinds. We lived in an addict. Me my brother and my mom. The people we lived with were not good people. I remember never being aloud to do anything. Example. Their kid had a bunch of cool toys and me and my brother were nto allowed to play with them. We had some of our own toys, but the only cool thing we had was a sega genisis and we only had like two games. By the way, this addict was an apartment too. Eventually my dad moved back in their. Shit went down and we had to go.

I never had any freinds all of my child hood. It was lonely. I have been to 13 different schools and never did I have a set of freinds untill I moved back to my home town Barberton, when I was nine. The place that my dad went to jail for beating my mom at. And even these freinds were not my type, but unfurtunatley they were the only type.
They were all soon to be criminals. In the fifth grade, everybody smoked and drank. Some kids were even having sex. Don't ask me how, they just were. I did not fit in this at all. I never had any girl freinds, well one or two, and I never smoked ro drank. My brother did.

Basically a lonely nonfitting in childhood. Untill I met Andrea. She was another girl I now realize I loved. We had good 'ol times, for a summer, when I was 10, then I had to move to florida with my dad.
For the record, I hate my father.

So now we are in florida and I am 11 or 12. Goofy and weird looking with almost no social skills, I am moved to a new land. I lived in Ohio at first. We are living with my great Aunt and her kid who is a year younger than me. My brother is two years older. Still dirt poor. The town we lived in was called Laughman and it was located in the middle of the county. This count, sect of the state, was called polk county. Polk County is the meth capital of the United States of America... Bring on the drugs. So now my brother is doing drugs, my mom is doing drugs, my dad is heavily doing drugs, and I am still alone, as always. The living conditions were cramped but we moved out into our own place about a mile away. In this town there are county roads and a shit load of dead ends of of them. There is litterally nothign to do here. Me and my brother find a hand axe and go in the woods and start chopping down trees for fun. This is how I met James. He too was choping down trees for fun. We lived in this town, poor and alone, just the four of us. Me, my brother, who had now become a little bit of my freind, James, and his freind, now ours too, Curtis. Red neck city. We had each other and that was ok for a little. Still abuse to my mother, little to us now.
After awhile we moved to North Carolina. I wouldn't have even mentioned this, but this is when I began thinking. We only lived their for abotu three months, and my dad stayed in florida. Here we had no food. Barely any. I had to teach myself algebra. After school, we lived there for about a month. The upstairs of the house was two bedrooms and that was it. It was my and my brother's. We put aluminumfoil aroun all of the windows and we kept it dark. We slept during the day, and stayed awake at night. Reading, playing basket ball, and becoming thinkers. I took a few weeks, but the transformation was undeniable. My mother stopped conecting with us on any level at this point, and my brother and I became close freinds, and this is the point in time when I finaly became attached to him in a loving way. I am now 13.
We are too poor to stay their and me and my brother move back to florida with my dad and my mom goes to Ohio with her parents.

The three of us live in a one bed room trailer and my dad is not worse than ever. He is now on meth and cocain, and pills, and weed, and a lot of alchohol. We sleep in the living rooma dn he keeps us up all night cooking in the kistchen and listening to really loud musc when we have to go to school the next morning. It is horrible. I am alone now, although I have James back, who is also going through heavy shit and will eventually become a crack head (is as of right now), but my brother finds his soon to be wife, and he leaves me for her. I don't blame him. He deserved. After everything we had been through.
My father is deep into drugs and my mom comes back. Keep in mind we are still poor.
My brother is now a father, I am fifteen, and the six of us, me, my brother, my dad, my mom, Dana (his wife), and their baby Aiden move into a two bedroom apartment. Still into drugs is my dad, but not my mom. The abuse continues. We are now extremely poor. We do not have enough food. My mom once again runs away to Ohio.
A horrible few months of drug and alchoholic days go by, and I am still alone and sixteen. I have one freind now. Cory. He is a dork who does not know what real freindship is.
My mom comes back and some extreme domestic violence goes on for about two months. My dad beating my mom, my broher almost beating my dad ( we are now both capable of killing him. I would have to use a weapon, my brother wouldn't) My brother and I are now thighter than anything else on this planet. I sleep in the living room, him and his wife and baby in their room, failure one and failure two in their's. Cramped. I have no privacy and I am still alone.
I am now sixteen.
One night, after a month of (he stopped paying the bills and stuck to drugs and alchohol) extreme violence, my dad makes a big mistake.
He starts hitting my mom, my dumb ass instigating arrogont mother, while Dana and Aiden are in the room. My brother throws the phone at my dad and my dad gets ready to fight him. My dad is 5'11'' 175 pounds and can knock a 255 pound man out in about two minutes. They get tready to fight and I instinctivly pull two knives out of the knife holder at get ready to kill him.
(At this point in time a am pretty dealy with almost any weapon imaginable and my dad knows it.) We stare at each other for a while and my dad goes outside.

This type of thing continues for a few weeks and my brother moves out leaving me alone with my father. My mom has moved down the road. No water in the house. I go to the neighbors. We get evicted. We are now homeless.

I live with my dad in a motel room for a week, then he stops paying for that. O work with him on random back breacking jobs for abotu a week and then tell him to fuck off, pack my shit, and stay at random buddies houses (not always my freinds) and a few times I don't nececcarily have a place to go.

I am now seventeen.

I get to my freind Chip's house and his parents offer me a place. I still talk to cory, but up untill this point, I had no way of contacting him or any one else I knew for that matter. Those few weeks with my father were literally hell.
Any way, Sleepingwraith and I are now living together and he shows me this site.

I go to school before the year starts and I am told that I will be with drawn because I do not have a legal adress.

This is the point where i realize I am now alone in this world.

I fix the problem myself. I am a homeless case in the school system and they let me come for my senior year.

I have nothing now. No hopes. I have bad grades because my parents suck ass. No money. I just got a job because Chip gives me a ride. (For those of you that don't know, Chip is sleepingwraith), no license, no car, no family, few freinds. I am also depressed because a girl I love does not like me, and the whole family thing. It is really bad.

I go to school and half way in the year I meet a girl. Her name is Yvonne. This is the girl I have been writing my poetry about up past the one titled Epilouge To Love. You can read a conversationg between us in a thread titled "What I'll Never Be" in the poetry forum.
No one in the history of the world has ever been more emotionally damaged than this girl. Do not qeustion this, just know it.
We get together new years and begin what we would call a relationship. My first real one. I am her first everything. She isn't mine, by a few people, but I am hers.
I fall in love with her. I beleive she falls in love with me, she might say otherwise.
We stay together for 21 days, and she breaks up with me. I love her more than any of you will ever know.
I have been depressed and alone my whole life, and I am in love with her and she makes EVERYTHING go away. I love her.
I have told her all of this.
Our relationship goes like this.

We talkon the internet for hours at a time, see each other at school, and I snuck into her window at night five times and we stayed up all night ravagin each other and talking about everything for about five hours at a time. 21 days of happieness for seventeen years of pain.

There are things that she said, that she says, and things that she does that confuse me.

One time we were getting really into it (yes I am talking about sexuall activity) and she wispers to me to stop. I ask her why and she says, "You are taking everything away from me."
Anotehr time she tells me the only things that she has are anger and bitterness, that those are the only things that keep her going.
She says she wants nothing to do with me, yet checks her inbox every three days like clock work to see if i have said something new. We have been broken up for two months now.
She used to get mad at me for not letting her go.
She would say that she didnt want to kiss me because it made it too hard for her to leave. In the moring, when I would leave her room, we would both get extremely scared, me much more than her, and we would shake and hold each other.
She said that she was starting to need me and that it needed to stop.
I still love her.
She has said and done many confusing things.
Me.
Completely dumbstruck and confused with absolutley no answers to give to the situation, only qeustions.

I noticed her looking at another guy in an interested manner, and I thought that she might be looking for any reason to end the relationship.

Regardless of what it was, she did.

She will not talk to me.
She can not look at me with out faking a mood.
If i touch her she shakes.

She says she wants nothing to do with me, yet she still checks this site.

She know me enought o know how I will react to certain things.
She tells one of her freinds, right in front of me, that she is going to go to a party and get drunk. This is more than completely out of her character. She knows i am going to flip out, and she still says it right in front of me.

This means, to me, she is either testing, or she wants to hurt me.

I didn't dp anything to her. Nothing. Except love her. And she wants to hurt me. She has. Many times.

I love her. She makes my life worth living.

Why say that in front of me if she wants nothing to do with me?

This pain is over whelming. I love her, and she acts like she hates me and I didnt do anything.

We broke up january 21. All of the threads I have started since then, the one about me giving up...

I love her so much. And she won't listen.

She is scared of me.

She says that she is tried of getting "happy" when I am around. THis means that she isnt. But why? I didnt do anything to her. Only love.

She makes my horrible life worth living. She gives me hope. She makes me whole. And she will never come back to me. And if she ever does, it might be too late.


If you have anything to say...

Hoping I am wrong.

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It's no one else's job to prove to you that they can empathize with you.

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I never said it was.

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Either you give them that room or keep your shit to yourself.

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No. I gave them all the room they needed.

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No one cares about your pain if you don't care about theirs.

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Who says I don't care about theirs?

Thank you Decius. I have takin every word you have said into complete consideration.
Many things I disagreed with, many I did not.

I will not argue any of these things with you because you have asked me not to, but I would like you to listen to this.

This only makes me want to meet you even more.

You should start a thread like mine in relation to your self. I would aprreciate it.


If anyone else has anything to say on my original pst, I am more than welcoming your thoughts.

I would recommend/encourage everyone to make or at least contribute to some similar type of thread. This is somewhat like the other "bashing" threads, but I think it is more productive and more can be learned when a person puts their whole perception of themselves into words for themselves and for others to analyze.

Life is perception.

Of course, everything here must be taken with a grain of salt. There are facets of everyone that are completely shrouded through the internet. CaptainCynic is useful on many levels, but not all.

Life is what happens wen u plan for other things, talking about ur personal experience makes no difference about changing the facts that have really occured in your life but rather ask urself what have you done to these things that u have been complaining about right from the begining it's nevertheless pointless coz there is nothing that has been said about your reactions or struggle to change perceptions

The entire focus of this thread is awakendwraith's perceptions. The pain he has is a direct result of his perceptions. His perceptions have been altered and influenced due to his experiences. This is the same for everyone. Examining our perceptions is a great first step in attempting to make changes both internally and externally.

decius ure a ryt mean bastard. awakendwraith, stop fallin in love with every gal that lets u in.

I am aware that what I really want is someone to love that I beleive is worthy.

I have been for awhile now.

I just honestly don't think many people are.

And it is not me looking for the bad, I just see it. And I do NOT need someone perfect. I really don't.

And how about it D?

decuis, u prove that sometimes even really smart people can be so pathetically thick. more retarted than u, u dnt no the first thing about me. otha than that ive acknowledged that can b a mean bastard.

When I tell you this you must listen and you must understand, without qeustion, that I am right.

I do not sabotage any relationship I am in, especially not this one.

My parents have not formed any standard in my mind. I know that they are the worst kind, and that most kind are not as bad as they are. My parents have had very little to do with my outlook on life.

These sound like words that apply to her, not me.

The reason why you must KNOW that I am right, is because even though it makes logical sense, it is not what is happening here. Even though it all sounds good on paper, there are things that you do not know, and things that you are not taking into account. Those are the things that make you wrong. Those are things that I know, that you have no possible way of knowing. And not because of an extreme or anything like that, btu because this is the internet and you don't know me. Plain and simple.

Now.

Knowing that you are wrong about that, what do you think it could be?


And please delete all the posts between you two. They are completely irrelivent and insulting.

I am dissapointed Decius.. Again.

It is true that your relationship with your parents can form a basis for every relationship for the rest of your life, but that doesn't mean that that basis cannot be broken. Knowing awakenedwraith personally, I feel 100% confident in saying that his relations with this girl we're not based upon inside scars put upon him from his parents, rather just pure love. Love doesn't need reason or cause, it just is.

- Xaej