I Wonder

I wonder.

I wonder if life will ever be like my subconscious minds wants it to be like. Where hopes actually get fulfilled. Where I feel safe. Where I am no longer working all the time towards this idea of freedom that I've been wanting for so long. I wonder if when freedom comes if I will even be able to recognise that feeling. If I'll even be capable of feeling free.

I know the logic that if that were to happen, the inability to feel free would only be initial and after a period of recuperation and reconditioning that my brain would open up. But that logic pertains to a future time, not where I am now.

Right now, it's all just a dream, if that. It's a hope that is the only thing, other than the love I have for my family, that keeps me sane enough to keep working. To keep doing all the things I have mentally and emotionally committed myself to doing.

I feel that I used to be able to dream about things more consciously when I was younger. Envision good things for myself happening in the future. It's different now. There's a pain that comes in dreaming of good things. So it must all just be buried now. My mind has little threshold for imagining too many good things. It just needs to see them happen.