Something Missing

This is my day today.

I woke up at 3:30 in the after noon because my partner came home from the library and woke me up when she shut the door. We talked about how I felt about what we talked about before I went to sleep. Before I went to sleep I was exploring this new idea of mine about love. Starting to see how love can actually bee in everything as long as you open yourself up to the possibility. I expressed how when I woke up my mind immediately starting telling me that my idea of love being in everything and always accessible was really just me being overly romantic and that I shouldn't be expressing myself that way. Obvious doubt and fear, I believe because of a fear of rejection. Then I ate something, can't remember what, and for some reason got tired again and went back to sleep. Then I woke up at like 6 or something. Talked, shared, laughed, played some video games, had some sex, talked more on my idea of love and more on her issues with doubt and fears she got from her mean ol' parents, then, after finding that love in the air, decided to go to dinner. Got some soup and bread sticks at Olive Garden (middle grade Italian restruant) and had fun there. Then came home, more talking, more sex, then relaxing and video games/books.

Now, I don't really have to worry about money right now because of a little bit of savings we have left, so its not like I HAVE to work (currently don't have a job) So there's no real stress factors in my life, at least not today. But at night, after she goes to sleep (she is in an internship right now and wakes up at 6:30 in the morning mon-fri) and after an hour or two more of video games I get bored.

Now, I'm not sure if its my lack of exercise or my lack of sun light, but when I look at my life from the outside in it sounds like a fucking paradise, but I lack a sensation of fulfillment. Now, I have NO idea how to get rid of this feeling, other than working out, but I've been lazy lately.

I don't really come in contact with anybody else, but when I come to the local cyber cafe and listen to these college kids talk to each other, they all sound so... lame. Like little kids gabbing about nothing and throwing in lots of fake laughs and things that aren't funny. Now, I don't hate these people, in fact, I see them happy and think to myself, wow, I'm glad that they can satisfy their social needs with such boring conversation, must be nice. And then I think to myself, is something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with them? Why are they behaving so immaturely, and why does it appear to make them happy?

Once I sat down on this computer I found something that made me laugh, and that felt good. Maybe I need to laugh more. Maybe the serotonin that kicks in at night is keeping me loopy or depressed in some way. Maybe my body is in poor condition, it is really gotta start working out. Maybe I need more contact and conversation than I currently get. Maybe I'm not expressing myself properly, or maybe I'm just getting too much of a good thing...

Idk... gonna continue on this walk and update tomorrow or something.

Maybe I'm lonely, but I don't understand how when I have a growing, now healthy, relationship. Maybe I just need to have more fun... I have no idea how to have fun.

I will say that I just got done quitting smoking weed after smoking almost every day for about a year and a half. Perhaps my mind just has to recalibrate. Maybe I need to find an outlet to express myself in NOT emotional issues or raw love.. I don't know yet, but I figured since I'm bored, its late, and I have nothing to do, I'd put this up. Maybe some one on here has experienced a similar life style and has had a similar issue...

Just got back from my walk and I feel great. Since I went on this walk by myself, I dont think its lonelyness. I also dont think its the weed thing cause, other than maybe I need to find something els to fill my time with.

I do think it has something to do with exercise and never going outside, but don't think it has anything to do with day light. In fact I found the empty 5 lane roads invigorating.

I did notice myself confidence go down when when I was aproaching Starbucks. So maybe never seeing anybody is turning me into a sociopath. Also I felt very expressive to myself and very secure in my personality the whole time (even played a little air guitar and sang, moderately loudly) but twice I thought I heard some one and the most unnecessarily sharp fear came into and I felt very embarrassed of myself. Obviously I have an issue feeling like its ok to express myself, and looking back, I always have. Doesn't really help that my partner, when she's insecure, tells me that I can't by getting angry with me, but this problem is OLD old, like kinder garden old...

So thats what I learned on tonights walk, maybe I'll do the same some other time this week.

I think on this again tonight, but there is much less restlessness and burn. I am once again lacking in exercise, wish I didn't have that extra variable clouding my judgment.

I got a new idea.

I came to this place again, through the dark streets into the parking lot. Past the "Business Building" through the glass doors into the brightly lit cavern of modern furniture and modern faces. A contradicting sensation comes to me.

I find the awkward exchange of menial banter between the college kids off putting. But at the same time, find myself incredibly interested and at times jealous. Jealous. Who would have thought. ( probably Decius lol) And I hypothesis why.

To the right of me sits a pretty blond girl, seeming to be around 19 or 20 years old, sitting with a theater major who is a senior. How do I know he is a senior? I have been paying attention to the people that attend this institution for almost 4 years now. I have seen him in a couple of plays, the first time I saw him was 3 years ago, so he must have been a freshmen, meaning he is a senior now. Sitting a few seats down from them is a perky young brunette who once brought a ukulele in here. I asked here if I could play it for a second, but I couldn't get anything to come out of it worth mentioning. all three of them seem to be having fun chatting with random people online on this website that appears to be dedicated to random communication with random people. at least that's what I gather from my eavesdropping. They seem to expressing some sort of juvenile companionship where they experience what I perceive as shallow pleasantries.

I think they are all single. They keep eluding towards sexual innuendos.

For instance, the guy just said this

'this guy just asked 'are you 1 guy, 2 girl, 3 horny guy, 4 horny girl?' I go 'all of the above!' and they all laugh in celebration. I look at their faces and see their smiles and can not bring it to myself to out right call them lairs. But that's just not that funny, in fact, I didn't think it was funny at all, and I think i've got a pretty good sense of humor.

I sit here, thinking these thoughts, asking myself, why does it feel that they have something I don't?

It appears as if EVERYTHING entertains them. Of course I would find this interesting, especially when I find myself so bored when alone...

Hmm.. maybe thats it. Maybe this IS where they get their social interaction. perhaps this IS their outlet. I mean, they live on campus, so its not like they have their own apartment to express themselves freely in....

idk...

I'm losing this feeling...

This is my guess. I have spent a pretty large amount of time freeing myself from societal bonds and chains. To quote Tyler Durden "I reject the basic assumption of modern society, especially the need to acquire material possessions." These people have spent the last four years of their lives training themselves to be happy WITH them. These are two very different life styles. Am I more free in my thought and expression? I dunno. Is what I express more honest? Most definetly, these kids are faking shit left and right. "*Group laughs at sexual joke in the chat window* "Save it! Save it!. Put it on face book! Screen shot it!" I'm not saying that these people aren't actually excited and happy that... "the guy was like, hey male or female? 'anything you need me to be' *group laughs*" "I could do this the rest of my life *group laughs*" But this is getting ridiculous! They have been laughing at the same god damn joke for about 20 minutes? What the hell is so funny?...

You can see I'm frustrated by not understanding this. They appear to be obviously immaturely delusional, but they seem to be happy. These two ideas are very contrary to me... I hardly delude myself about anything at all, as such I think I end up having less "fun," but I remember those days of "fun." I remember never being satisfied, never expressing myself the way I wanted to, and never feeling like anything had any real meaning. Now that I have geared my psyche towards being more truthful I find that I express myself far less than I used to. It LOOKS like they're compensating for lack of love due to a general loneliness. It LOOKS like they're all begging for attention from the opposite sex. It LOOKS like none of them have any idea who they are or what they're true desires are, void of insecurity. But they LOOK happy...

That sensation is gone.

Ok, I think me feeling this way has something to do with a lack of outlets NOT having to do with my partner. Observing these people was fun, writing about it was fun, and honestly, I don't really think any of you care about what I'm saying, but expressing it none the less makes me feel like I didn't waste my time.

Is it progress I am lacking? When my partners up we talk and laugh and play games. We argue and fight, we make up and hang out in the bath room. We listen to music and practice singing. We eat and used to smoke and drink (it got boring). When she goes to sleep, all that ends.

Maybe I need to get better at being alone. BUT, in the morning when she's still at work I usually have fun with myself. At night though, I have to be quite, so maybe thats it....

This was fun, i think I'll keep at this.

Ok, I think I understand. Just got home. Those people, shallow as it may be, are attempting, and succeeding, to feel love. See, even if they have great loving parents, they aren't around. So they get love from each other. What I felt like I was missing was that love that they were experiencing through shallow friendship. When I got home and fel the love my partner and place in our home, it hit me that that's what they were trying to create at the cafe, and it was working, just in a kinda shallow way. Not that theres anything wrong with that.

Perhaps when my partner goes to sleep I start missing ger and get needy. When I focus my mind on the bed behind me I feel like I'm having much more fun. I need to work on not letting that feeling fade just cause she goes to sleep.

I gotta understand that feeling comes from inside me. Its not like I can suck emotions through a straw.

Nothing missing tonight. I feel great. Self respect is definetly the answer. If I go home and get restless, I know its not lack of love. So I'll try to work out and see what that does.

If playing video games makes me feel like I'm wasting my time, I need to find something that doesn't feel that way.