3 year relationship broken and I am in need of advice towards coping.

Good evening everyone at Captain Cynic. My name is Ryx. Some random Asian guy from the U.S. who is in a desperate need of advice. The girl who I have been with up until now has always been trustworthy beyond belief. She has always been a sort of an airhead but I had never payed any mind towards it. Throughout all this time knowing her, she has never told a lie towards anyone with any sinister intentions. Her attitude had always stride toward being an approachable person who could also hold a conversation. Every guy who has ever hit on her, she would always deny them or think un-highly of them; unless they were friends. For years, she has always stuck by my side- until now.

There has been this wonderful girl who had been a part of my life for practically 9 years; ever since we were in elementary school. I've always been her friend up until I was a junior in high school. That was when I confessed to her. With such spark and dignity, she replied toward my feelings. Soon after, the relationship had continued to flourish.

I had always treated her with the best intentions and to my heart's content. Never once had I yelled at her even if she was angry at me. Always, I had accepted her feelings. If anything was wrong about me or what I did, I had always adjusted myself for her preferences. Each and everyday, she had always longed for me to come over to hangout. If otherwise, she would get rather mad at me. In fact, I've been with her so much so, that my little brother is mad at me for not hanging around with him at home anymore.

In the same year our relationship started, she had made a guy-friend. I was somewhat suspicious, but I didn't want to butt into her business. However, growing up from some tough places, I've always had a keen eye. You could call it being overly-suspicious of people. The way I see it, my perceptiveness has always guided me through situations.

When my girl asked me to hangout at some shooting range, the guy and her brother was coming along. I had always been good friends with her little brother. Sometimes, I talk to him just as much as my girl friend. the fact that he was there gave me a little more morale support when it came to my jealousy towards her friend.

After getting to know the guy a little, I've found myself unable to read him. Whether he was a good guy or a bad guy at heart, or if he was interested in my girl even though he should know we were together. After a year (2nd year in relationship), I found myself believing he was interested as he hung out with her more and more.

Although I expressed my jealously and worries to her about it- she promised me nothing was happening. If only I could believe in that. In heart, I knew she was honest. That there would be no way that she would do anything behind my back.

We even went to the same college together and any day, anytime, whenever she called, I would come rushing over. Whether it's raining, storming, thundering, or practically anything. As long as we were at college, her friend stayed idle 2 hours from the campus. That being a major sign of relief. Occasionally, however, her friend would come by and visit and such. Being the gentle heart she was, she had always invited me along to keep me from worrying.

During the spring (2nd semester/3rd year in relationship) of college, I had found that I was suffering from depression. It was and certainly didn't feel serious. I even went to the campus medic as well as counselor and psychologist to do a few check ups. Really, I was making her depressed with my own depression. Ironically, after a while, I felt that the source and weight of my stress came from my jealousy.

During March, she announced that she was breaking up. It wasn't even a week after the breakup, that I she told me she got together with her friend.

In been a few months since then, but I still haven't gotten over it. Up until the end of 2nd semester, I had avoided her. Although she was kindhearted, her wanting of my friendship was literally killing me. The thought of all of it ruined me. Unable to study for my exams, I utterly flunked my second semester.

Once summer started, I thought that this is my chance to win her back. No matter how many times she said that there are others out there that are more deserving of me than her, I had always replied that there is only one person want more than others. Throughout the summer, I had never pushed my feelings on her; never to force her to make imprudent decisions. I wanted to rekindle what she once felt for me that I still feel for her.

It wasn't until a week ago, that I found out they had sex. At that point, I pleaded toward a divine figure- for me and this house to burn.

Now here I am, unable to find answers to my questions, and unable to find comfort to my heart. No matter what it is I am doing. Whether it is playing games, drawing, studying, watching TV, showering, sleeping, anything- I can't seem to focus. The thought of her to have gone so far destroyed me. No one knows that we even broke up, or even the despair I'm suffering.

My brother tries to make jokes at times, unknowingly that I was thinking about her. I try to put up a false front but I found my voice cracking. Even when I had tried exercising and hanging out with friends, I had lost concentration mid-way through, and found myself wishing that it could just all end sooner so I may reside in my room and ponder.

I haven't talked to her in a few days ever since I had found out. Really, I find myself spiteful towards her and yet I longed so dearly for her.

I don't know how I can move on; doing things I normally do everyday and talking to my friends. Whenever I feel so completely overwhelmed with this feeling of jealously, rage and loneliness, all I want in the world is for my death. Even knowing that my death won't just affect my life, it will leave a scar and ripple in everyone who had ever known me. Somehow, I feel like that is exactly what I want to do. To gash out a ripple in my girl's life through my death. However, no matter how badly I desire death, I know I can't leave my family behind.

Each day has been a living hell. (No religious pun intended) I am begging anyone for any possible advice. I have planned to sign myself up for anti-depressants at my nearest medic. However, unknown to the chances, I wish for any possible words of wisdom or advice. Any serious advice would be wonderful; whether it's how to appeal towards my girl or even how to cope. Any and all replies shall be relayed and read by me fully.

I thank you and I am deeply sorry for my long post.

I'm sorry bro, sounds like a rough time.

My advise would to be stop worrying about winning her back. You sound like a good guy and if she wants that again in her life, she'll find you.

I would try everything you've been trying (getting out with friends, working out ect...), maybe some meditation to help improve your focus but it's going to hurt. You don't spend nine years with someone in your life and not suffer through the loss.

The pain will slowly subside in time, I can't tell you if it'll ever go away. I've found that just letting the pain take it's course makes the process go quicker then trying to think about it.

Most importantly if you can't get her out of your head. Do things to remove her. Objects that remind you of her, hide or throw away. Anything that triggers you to think about her including hanging out with her, remove from your life. It can only drag you down.

This is no longer about you and her. This is about you getting better.

I hope this will be of some help and I hope you feel better soon.

Thank your very much for the reply.

Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can keep up the act. I could even say that I'm starting to miss her. It really is kinda screwed up, I know. It's horrifically ironic however. She really couldn't stand how depressed I was back in college and yet, she refused the fact that it was because of her that I was in such a condition.

Apparently, she felt sorry for her friend because he told her something along the lines of how every girl he has ever met put him in the friend box before they even try. How utterly stupid. The heart of one who never knew what love was could never hurt as much as one who did.

However, I will definitely try my best to get over this. I have spared no time and expense to throw everything, and to retrieve belongings, that always related to her. Every time I try to call my friends to hang out, they all seem to be busy for some reason. This was the primary reason why I had to endure all of this alone.

I greatly appreciate the reply and hope dearly to hear more wonderful advice.