The oldest question in the book.

Does anybody else feel completely unsatisfied and happy with who they are?
Sometimes i hate myself, i mean what am I good at? I have no idea, i can never get anything done around the house even though its up to me since my sisters left, its just too much, im finding it hard to save up money for uni, i cant think of anything to write anymore, and i have no idea where my life is going. I dont know what good im doing anybody, sometimes i just walk around aimlessly. because im always waiting for some fucking decisive moment, for something to happen to show me what the purpose of my life is. Oh god maybe thats it, when i left god behind i picked up this purposelessness( is that even a word?) but you get me, so tell me, after god, other than just spreading the bloody message of god, what can i take on to be the purpose of my life. Im literally throwing myself at the mercy of anybody whos got an idea about what we are supposed to be doing, what am i supposed to do now?

Where do i go from here, because if i have to spend the next 20 years findign out, then i dont know if im bothered or if i should be takin up so much oxygen or if i can handle feeling so worthless all the time.

I know exactly how you feel. I have a journal entry that sounds almost exactly like this. It's been about 6 months since I felt that way and looking back, for me, I think it was because I wasn't happy with my situation.

I have come closer to where I want to be since then and I do feel happier but I still have my ups and downs. Sometimes I get really depressed and I just feel really alone. Other times the world is really bright and hopeful. And then of course there's the days when I'm in the middle and just going through my routine.

I say stick it out and keep searching. There's a lot of people who are less deserving of oxygen than you and they don't think twice about it.

Plus I think your posts are always really thoughtful and CC just wouldn't be as good without you.

Thanks chris, I think some of it stems from the fact that i dont feel in control of my life. It is in some way shaped by my circumstances, my financial dependance on my parents, my emotional dependance on other people, the fact that im not my own person yet, i still am somebodys daughter, someones girlfriend, and i always will be, but i want something, anything to make me feel like I am my own person. I mean to carry on boring you with my life story, Im sure some people on this site have realised that i left Islam, and its such a huge thing in my life, so important, and what has happened is that i have to carry on pretending i am a muslim, wearing the muslim dress, and even though i dont say anything religious, i dont need to. Immediately people look at me and assume and 'know' im a muslim, just by the pretty headdress, and maybe it is this which drives me insane. That is so hypocrtical, i cannot be me, i have to be who i was to everybody else even though i have changed so dramatically. I feel so caged up, and this purpose, oh i wish i had some purpose to my existance, that way id have something to focus on, but all im left with is this disgust at myself, for being so 2 sided.
And i feel so lost, so confused, and i feel that if i can find a way, or a purpose to my existance then ill be in control of who I am.. does that make any sense? Am i mistaking one thing for another?