numb-pissed off-angry-depressed

i havent been online to talk to you guys in a while sorry about that, but then again its my fault. of course
havent called my friends within the last 2 weeks, my fault.
my friends dad gets mad at him and me and it feels like my fault.
my girlfriend moves in town, somehow feels like my fault. i guess it seems like her dad didnt want her anywere near me.
my grades are FFFFFFFFF's because my whole family went on a vacation and i missed a bunch of lectures and tests. my fault. even though i had the best damned grades id had in awhile, atleast before we left. but i failed in the end, my fault
two of my best friends are always fighting breaking up and getting back to gether and most recently the reason is hes coming over to my house to much...also my fault.
i gave into smoking again, definitly my fault
startin to see a pattern here?
i have a twisted mind and no conciouse i dont feel bad when somone gets hurt but i feel torn apart when i break somthing
my girlfriend scares me by calling like 8 times in 1/2 hour and leaving two messages, that say that she needs to talk to me and that its kind of important then leaves a number then calls back and leaves a message that says that first number is wrong and corrects it. so im thinkin ok calm down that report about a hit and run with one dead has nothing to do with it or she would sound more stressed. and panicy.. so what could it be? i call once i get to a phone i can use (my cells almost out of minutes and is usually for emergency calls only) and when i call her she sounds completely wrenched up then she says shakily i dont want to go out with you anymore. i hate to do this over the phone but not seeing you is driving me up the wall. and all i said back is...ok...after that all i really did is say yeah to whatever she said then hung up. and stared. and thought you know i always expected this, but no no this cant be happening she said spefically in the message that this was kind of... k i n d of important. did us really not mean that much? shes someone who could be with anyone she wants hell even two of anyone she wants at the same time and still be followed around and i had always wondered why in the world is she with me? is it because i believed her when she said noone else would i stood up for her i got into countless yelling matches with my parents over the fact that they thought she was fuckin with my mind and that even if that were the case i would have stood by her no matter what. i was not a boyfriend who ever hit her never screamed at her i would never be the kind of boy friend who would leave her if she got pregnant but another thing i think the main reason is that i would not sleep with her just so she could lose the title virgin. oo wow who gives a shit what others think. what kind of high school student does not care wether or not they get pregnant in high school who wants more things to think of and worry about how much more can a person take. im already pushing the limits of how much i can take and now im being dumped because IM NOT LIKE EVERYOTHER SEX-CRAZED TEEN OUT THERE. not that all teens are sex-crazed. but there is a difference to me. you can want to have sex soooo badly with someone but you would think if you loved someone as much as you say you love them you would have that patience to wait...until what i dont know. i can get a car and leave with her or could have but then her dad would no doubt kill me or i would be labled a kidnapper and if they found out we had sex i would be labled a rapist and all of my family would be shit faced. my friends would never talk to me wether or not they would still be my friends i would understand. i would inevitably be brought back. everyone with an amber alert system would know her face. but oh yes lets just fantasize how were going to run away and not get caught. but i love her enough to let her go. i mean what in the hell am i going to do? I cant force her to love me and stay with me. But even if i could, her reasoning for breaking up with me is because we cant see each other often enough. so far it had been 2weeks. wow not much patience. no it would never work because we live 18 miles apart and cant see each other every day. blaaaaaaaaa sorry about all that i sound like some soft and squishy pilsberry doughboy or something, but hey if i cant say this to anyone around here i figured why not start a conversation this way. pretty shity way of starting one. please dont tell me it will get better cause all i can think of is the little shit wholl be over there every day saying yeah he didnt try that hard. didnt try that hard? how in the hell can i afford gas? my truck only gets 9 miles to the gallon. sure he can say that about me when he gets his mommy to drive him over there every day.. All i can think about is the satisfying dull thunk i would hear as his skull is ever so tenderly touched by my bumper. but then again i could never do that to someone she seems to like... mostly cause he makes her happy.

i have never full out cried in my life, never, not even when family members died that i was close to. when she told me she doesnt want to go out with me anymore all i felt was anger then a kind of depression but still no tears. am i really screwed up?
my answer..yes. the closest i was to breaking down was when my pup sugar jumped out of the back of my truck while we were goin 80 down the road. the worst part about that is i looked back as she jumped and saw that the rope she was tied to was too long. just long enough for her to jump out then get yanked back and under the truck. and she was still twitching when we stopped and ran back.

oh yeah and that little personal quote thing i chose when i first joined capaincynic, I DIDNT WANT IT TO COME TRUE FOR ME why why the fuck did i have to say that? why?

i have made some changes since this was first posted. probably still not quite the proof read and edited paper for chained wings. sorry but im just not that good of a typer.

man i'm sorry ... happens to us all
couple month ago i thought i had the life ... then it all came down fast. I lost my best friend to collage, my girl because i'm an ass, my family because i'd been ingnoring, another great freind because he moved away, almost lost my tennis partner, my dogs is about to die and thats the closest i've ever been to anything and he's forgotten who i am. I was in the world all alone and it sucked it sucked big. And to be very honest with you it probley will for quite some time. I also struggle with deppresion on and off. If you get deprresed and if it continues man i suggest getting medicine and taking for a little because it can help. And i know this isn't exactly what you wanna hear but it is what i have to offer. Out of all happness come pain and out of all pain comes betterment (physical or mental) and the more you know, the better you look, the harder you become. The more happyness you will learn to obtain. I have learned more over the last 5 weeks then i have learned for the other 17 years leading up to it. This site is a great place to look for disscution if you have no one to talk to if. I'm sorry again but the key is to learn. Props on staying abstanant a lot of people put sex in a very pretty light. I'm beleave that people who are in a relationship for sex arn't in a relationship for one another but rather for themselfs (not to say sex isn't enjoyable and what not) but not needed. Just remember that what you did was the correct thing and that when your ex relizes that they will come back to you. A girl i went out with, for about a year came back to me months later accually about a year and thanked me. She broke up with me because i didn't move the relationship along quick enough but in the end she wanted me back for that exact reason (i had another girl friend at the time and to be honest i didn't really like her anymore) but if you keep you faith in somone it is very likely that it will be repayed eventully. It'll be tuff but when you get through it all it'll all be better - a freind

I dont mind you guys venting and I can see how it works better as a long trail of thought. But if you want people to take notice, could you please use paragraphs, punctuation and spell-check.

Im not having a go at you, Im interested in what you have to say. But I find posts like this are incredibly hard to read and concentrate on. And I think you will find that if you cant be bothered editing it so its easy to read... people will likewise not bother read it.

sorry about the crappy spelling and all of the errors ill try to fix them but at the time i wasnt really thinking of spelling errors. more or less thinking of fealing like an idiot because i never tell anybody that much about me. i dont like others knowing alot about me (im paranoid) so i was a little jittery and angry.

oh yeah and anybody that reads it can just skip the first part. its kind of whinny.

lmao i spell like a six year old and will do chained wings

I'll be honest with you zyphon, I know where you're comin from with this. In my past relationships i've tended to ignore family and friends, and made my entire life about whoever I was in the relationship with.

I know how physically taxing it can be to put so much into making someone happy, into protecting them. When I ended my last long relationship I had pretty much alienated all my friends, i had blocked my family out of my life and i had even lost a lot of my faith and relationship with God.

When we broke up she told me that she never needed me to help her through her family problems, she didn't need me to help her through her clinical depression or PSD. I did so much for her... and for what? I learned that you have to be careful not to forget your own life when you're dating someone. You can't ignore your friends and family, you've gotta balance everything.

As for how you're feeling that's completely understandable. That could take you months or even years to get over, but the famous saying of time heals everything stands true in all ended relationships. If she broke up with you because you wouldn't have sex with her than that's her loss, i say good luck if she can find another guy who can respect her like that.

You will find another girl, i know that's not what you want right now, but once things have cooled down you'll find that its something that you want. You just have to be careful not to reminisce on you current depressing situation and the more you try to keep your mind off of it the quicker you'll heal.

zach was right in saying we all go through this, its a part of every single person's life. The important part to dwell upon is not "what did I do wrong?" or "why is this happening?", those won't get you anywhere.

The important thing is where do you go from here, what is your next move, how will you recover from this fall and climb higher than where you were before?

I wish you the best of luck!

fireangel

Hey Decius, I would have PMed you with this question, as it's maybe a little off topic, but that option was disabled for some reason. I was wondering if you could suggest any good books on the topics of "parental guilt" or "guilt as a child"? I've done a little research on google and I think it's interesting. Reading books worth of content on the internet sucks though! Any suggestions would be appreciated.

decius of course you intimidate me. im not somebody who knows a lot of big words and is really quick with their minds, i just work on cars and bikes.

one of the worst parts is that even if she did ask me out again or be nice im going to just be cold and nonresponsive. because if she doesnt want to be with me then fine leave. but i will always look out for her. hell when i had to drop someone off at work every morning around 5:00am i would always drive by her house just to see that everything is fine. and now i feel like an old toy throuwn out in the rain. even though i love the rain.

If you still care about her those feeling's arn't going to go away. to surpress them isn't fair to yourself.

Confront them go through the stages of recovery if you get stuck it can result in very unhealthy things check out this http://www.tbiguide.com/emotionalstages.html it kind of talks about them and what one should be feeling in each of the stages remember they don't aways happen in that order.

When somthing happens to me i can't get through i force my way through (cry even if it doesn't feel right) you have a lot going for yourself even if you don't know it. I was once told that if you've lost it all you must've done somthing to get it.

I'm not a exspert at this stuff and i don't to pretend to be but just try to confide in somthing, my escapes music do somthing for yourself and try to take on the world with your chin up, hope you feel better soon

you know what helps me i listen to some extremely aggressive music or destroy public property in creative ways but their is some pretty cool blogs out their that have some fucked up points of view that are really identifiable with and sometimes thats a good outlet when your pissed off or even if your like me and just look at it as kind of a way of how i deal with the world

quoted from decius
"Go on google and look into "parental guilt" or "guilt as a child" and just research the hell out of guilt.

You are at a time in your life, right now, where the decision you make about how to react to unjust guilt will define most probably the rest of your life. You don't know it, but you will make that decision automatically. The only way to make the best decision is to be educated about it. So try to do so!"

yes you are being smothered by guilt. i've learned through the years that guilt is a bullshit emotion put upon you by other's expectations, or your perception of their expectations.
i disconnecte my guilt button years ago and my life became a lot more enjoyable!