Children Ruin Lives

I'm fairly convinced of this. People who have children are never the same person afterward. You always hear from them how wonderful it is and how much they learn from the whole experience, but there is this subtle tone of regret in their voice. From a male perspective a child is primarily a source which eats away their wallet and from a female perspective a child is little more than an emotional distraction stealing time away from their significant other or pursuits in a career. People who manage to balance everything maintain that they are happy, but it is undeniable that their quality of life has gone down due to the child's presence. They justify this by stating that their life has been "enriched" by all of the things they have learned from the child. This is inaccurate because the only thing that can be "learned" from a child is new emotional responses to situations. If you have children for the sake of exploring those emotional responses, good for you! If you have children for any other reason then that, it will simply ruin your quality of life.

I think the reason why people feel their life has slightly gone down is because of how dependent the kid(s) are of their parents for a very long time... well, at least until their about 2 or 3 when they're not as high maintenance as the first couple years. Like you said though, I do believe that the parents can't share and show as much attention and affection as they once could.

But also think that when two people have kids, it's when they're comfortable enough with each other that they can finally move on to a different part of their relationship and both give attention and love to their kids. From what I see, being affectionate and giving attention is basically a way to make sure and create a bond that the other will want to stay with you. And after said bond is established and their happy with it, they can direct their attention slightly elsewhere.

I dont know, i mean im not a mother, but ive always thought that parents love kids, i mean dont they love them more than anything else. How many women would give up their child bearing abilities so as to pursue a career? Have you not heard of many women who neglected their kids for this huge job, you working to the top, blah blah, and then getting old, their kids way out of control now, and they they feel a bit regretful. Perhaps parents who never wanted kids, and then just had them, then theyd feel regretful, but i think others who plan it,or those who realise that family is such a powerful thing, and that it makes a man much happier than his wallet, and a women a job she doesnt even like, but i dont know im not a parent yet.

I can tell none of you have got children.

You talk about them as if they are something you brought from a shop and have been commited to keeping but regret buying.

That's just it. You can't imagine what it is like because you are not in that point in your lives. One of the things I have noticed about my daughters' teachers is that you can always tell the ones that don't have children of their own, because they look at the child as just another student who has to be taught the curriculum and acedemia is the be all and end all of what that child should be experiencing, whereas teachers who are parents themselves and have that emotional bond, seem to get the whole teaching the child as an emotional, social as well as intellectual being. I'll probably be hugely criticised now for this (especially by childless teachers) but thats just my experience.

When you have a child or children you are not just an individual anymore and its true it can sometimes feel a bit restricting, but now as a parent myself of three beautiful little girls, I feel like it doesn't matter that I am no longer an individual because I am part of a family, which carries with it a bond and reality of its own. My eldest is starting high school next year and she is starting to be a really independent litlle thinker and its fantastic watching her and the others experiencing things for the first time and being a part of those experiences. Yes of course I am still an individual but being a mother is the best thing about being me.

That's another thing. Why do parents use children to define their character? You are still an individual. It makes sense to feel such a strong connection to your own children, and perhaps their are some physiological changes that a person undergoes after child bearing. Yet, you are still you as a separate entity.

Really I am just saying that people have children for all the wrong reasons. It's only after the child is born that they have justifiable reasoning. Even then, it's shaky and questionable at best. It's very rare to find someone who has thoroughly thought out the repercussions of bringing a child into the world before actually doing so.

I have a six year old sister who is cool as hell. She's funny and she loves to learn and she's full of energy. I teach her and show her all the things that I like to do and a lot of times I'll find myself playing video games with her or playing dodgeball or tag, all the stuff I used to do when I was a kid. I wouldn't trade her for any other kid in the world. Yah, Sorceress, I agree with you, some of the people on this thread are looking at kids as items that are acquired and not people. To look at children like that is just degrading in my opinion. All the people in my family are invaluable.

My thoughts on this matter!

http://www.captaincynic.com/thread/22807/having-kids.htm#22807

You are completely right Restless. I'm not trying to be imposing on other people's decisions here, but it angers me that people think something is wrong with you if you don't want children. I love kids and I would certainly never treat one like a grocery item. People just don't think it through and it infuriates me when they pretend like they have.

Also, it's absurd that people with children feel like they've done something spectacular. Having children is very common, people don't deserve medals for having sex. Giving birth maybe, but not simply having them around.

I grew up around children, taking care of them and helping look after them so don't even try to give me BS about not knowing what it's like.

Are you kidding me?

If you decided not to have kids, that is 100% acceptable. There are far to many parents out there that should have had that same view.

I will tell you one thing, I have never felt a stronger love than what I feel towards my children.

Did you not love your husband?

I find very often that couples with children don't talk about each other with the same level of admiration as couples without children.

No matter how you spin it, children take time and money away from your personal life. If you all would pay attention to my posts, I don't deny the fact that the emotions and perspectives that having children creates may very well be worth the sacrifice in time and money. For me personally, it doesn't feel worth it right now.

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Did you not love your husband?

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Because I love my children means I don't love my husband? Your comment is a common deficit assumption. Love isn't like a pizza; it's not like you pass out slices and eventually you're stuck with a small piece or no piece at all. Restless, when you fell in love with your wife did you stop loving your parent(s)?

September 20 will by our 21st wedding anniversary. Almost half our life, has been spent with each other. I can't imagine spending my life with any other man.

Wyote, being a parent is not for everyone. I admire those that recognize this and decide against it. I'm disgusted with people that feel you're selfish if you decide against having children.

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I find very often that couples with children don't talk about each other with the same level of admiration as couples without children.

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There might be some truth to that but I believe the lack of discussing about a spouse has very little to do with a loss of admiration. If anything, having children has increased my adoration for him.

Wyote, there are so many aspects that change after having kids, none which are a sacrifice.

Wyote, it sounds like your mind was made up before you even made this thread. Are you sure you need anyone else's opinion or are you just looking for your own?

I thought I might find an opinion or some information that I hadn't heard before, but I was wrong.

It really comes down to the fact that it is a personal choice. People on either side of the opinion must stop criticizing each other. The fact still remains that children do ruin lives. Those who have children and love their children are not generally ruined. But there are so many variables, so many unforeseeable outcomes that conception creates. It's no doubt a huge risk. For those who's lives are in fact improved upon by having children, that risk may be worth that gain. The problem I have is with the uncertainty of that gain.

I've never been much of a risk taker.

The biggest problem I see with this planet is that it is FAR too overpopulated. We are slowly consuming its resources like a tide of locusts.

We complain about greenhouse gases, we complain about wars, we complain about famine. Yet we fail to see these things are caused by us. HUMANS. There are just too many of us. And it's causing major problems.

I cannot believe that we just had Global Aide to save the world- and yet we are not actually addressing the REAL problem. The world needs aide because humans are growing at such a rate that the earth will soon be unable to sustain us.

Now this does not mean I would deny anyone having a child.
If someone wants to have children, then Im all happy for them. But I think the world needs to start looking at the overpopulation problems and adopt the one child per family idea.

Children, as Sorceress says, are not grocery items. They should not be brought into the world purely for someone's 'enjoyment.'

I hate and I despise the whole 'trend' nowadays to have children.

Recently, retarded people like Brittany Spears, who cant keep a relationship going longer than 6 months and cant keep out of rehab longer than 6 weeks, who think- just like drugs- having a child will take away that hollow feeling they have inside them are making it seem your life is not 'complete' unless you have a kid or two.

These role models that every impressionable teenage girl looks up to, say how enriching it is and how they have become 'whole' people now they have a child. They make it sound like it's a fairytale. (Except the fact most of their children spend 99 percent of their time being cared for by nannies, while these young women pursue their acting, singing, partying careers.)

So then you have many young women wanting to have a child because they are given this false impression it's what they should be happy.

Kids are nothing but fashion accessories to the western world nowadays. This is wrong.

To sum up:
I believe bringing more humans into the world at this time in history without good reason wrong. Giving birth to another life when your own life is not together wrong. And to have a child, merely because it is expected of you, or because you think somehow it will 'make you complete' wrong.

And I feel that:
If you love your partner and are in a stable long term relationship.
If you live in a safe environment.
If you are financially secure.
If you and your partner are together mentally and emotionally.
And if you both TRULY feel (after much thought and inner searching) that having a child would be the next stage in your life- and it would truly enrich your lives.

THEN you should feel that having a child is right for you.
Not otherwise.