SPC Schwarz

Passsive aggresiveness at its best?


Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web.

> Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
>
> My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
>
> Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
>
> Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for
> hair.
>
> Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
>
> Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any
> officer.
>
> Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers
I
> give to a question an officer asks me.
>
> Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal
> posters.
>
> Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
>
> Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
>
> Not allowed to join the communist party.
>
> Not allowed to join any militia.
>
> Not allowed to form any militia.
>
> Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
>
> Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
>
> Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
>
> God may not contradict any of my orders.

> There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
>
> I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
>
> I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind
control
> lasers'.
>
> May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.
>
> I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
>
> I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
>
> May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
>
> No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'.
>
> Woad is not camouflage makeup.
>
> May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
>
> "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
>
> The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should
not
> tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the
droids
> you are looking for."
>
> I may not call block my chain of command.
>
> I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
>
> Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
>
> May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
>
> May not form any press gangs.
>
> Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an
> experience I just had to write you about...."
>
> Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things.
>
> Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the
> infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
>
> May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.
>
> If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I
am
> to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
>
> Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.
>
> Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.
>
> Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
>
> I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

> I should not use government resources to 'waterproof' dirty magazines.
>
> Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
>
> I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in
> Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful
> phrases.
>
> Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
>
> Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
>
> Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
>
> 'No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages' does not imply that a Jack Daniel's ®
> IV is acceptable.
>
> "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
>
> The Microsoft ® 'Dancing Paperclip' is not authorized to countermand any
> orders.
>
> 'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
>
> No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule
> #113.
>
> The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
>
> The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
>
> The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a
> porno movie.
>
> An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
>
> Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole fucking village!' while
> out on a mission is bad.
>
> Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform,
> messily drunk.
>
> Even if my commander did it.
>
> Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
>
> I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
>
> Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the
> sword'.
>
> 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.
>
> I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
>
> 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.
>
> I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
>
> Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during
the
> same.
>
> I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
>
> Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and
then
> eating them all in a formation is not funny.
>
> Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
>
> On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
>
> The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting
> as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
>
> The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid
> squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light
®
> batteries.
>
> I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
>
> Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.
>
> Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
>
> I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
>
> If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still
counts.
>
> The revolution is not now.
>
> When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
>
> No part of the military uniform is edible.
>
> Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
>
> Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
>
> Take that hat off.
>
> There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
>
> I do not get 'that time of month'.
>
> No, the pants are not optional.
>
> Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
>
> Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
>
> Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
>
> Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
>
> On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

>
> May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
>
> May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if
I'm
> right.
>
> Must not taunt the French any more.
>
> Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
>
> Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
>
> Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
>
> Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if
> it's true.
>
> Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
>
> Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'
>
> Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
>
> Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if
> they do hit snooze about forty times).
>
> The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
>
> Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on
the
> head with a bag of trash.
>
> Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
>
> Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
>
> Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for
everybody.
>
>
> (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring
enough
> for everybody.
>
> Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne
> operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black
> death, I'm off to meet my maker'
>
> Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War
isn't
> over).
>
> Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
>
> Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
>
> Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis
> that the world is going to end, more than once.
>
> I do not have super-powers.
>
> 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.
>
> Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in
recruitment
> posters.
>
> Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
>
> I am not the atheist chaplain.
>
> I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money
> maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
>
> I am not authorized to fire officers.
>
> I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
>
> I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a
> command decision.
>
> Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
>
> Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
>
> Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
>
> Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
>
> Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.
>
> 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
>
> An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
>
> An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical
> tape.
>
> The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
>
> The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding
> sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they
were
> dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent
> homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell,
> we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
>
> May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of
> command.
>
> 'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
>
> If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine
It
> means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more
> times than you'.
>
> It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies
to
> Specialist Schwarz.
>
> Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
>
> Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
>
> There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

> When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper
Stomper
> Boo' is probably not appropriate.
>
> Nerve gas is not funny.
>
> Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
>
> I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
>
> 'Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
>
> Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
>
> The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of
> command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their
masks.'
>
>
> A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
>
> Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell
new
> soldiers that they are.
>
> I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
>
> Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they
> are "casualties of war".
>
> My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I
should
> stop implying that he did.
>
> Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine® bottle is not a
> good combination.
>
> I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
>
> I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze,
sexual
> favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg
> CD's.
>
> Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
>
> Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat,
> exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
>
> I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
>
> Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
>
> I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored
> vehicles.
>
> When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne
> leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
>
> There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every
> time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
>
> I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
>
> I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
>
> Crucifying mice - bad idea.
>
> Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
>
> Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is
> wrong to dance naked around them.
>
> I cannot arrest children for being rude.
>
> An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off
color
> joke.

> 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.

> I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
>
> Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did
> not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
>
> We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
>
> Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be
> brought into the office.
>
> I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
>
> I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
>
> On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
>
> Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
>
> Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
>
> There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
>
> My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear
about
> what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
>
> When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in
a
> cartoon'.
>
> My name is not a killing word.
>
> I am not the Emperor of anything.
>
> Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with
> cigarettes.
>
> May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
>
> Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
>
> Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
>
> Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
>
> The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
>
> The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
>
> Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
>
> Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of
> command.
>
> I am not allowed to give tattoos.
>
> I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
>
> Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
>
> I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
>
> My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a
kilt,
> an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
>
> Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
>
> Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the
> "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
>
> 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term
> goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
>
> NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the
> Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
>
> Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number
> three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine
> when engaged"
>
> Not allowed to get shot.
>
> The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted
this
> noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or
> considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and
it
> was just so obscene it had to go here.)
>
> Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are
> "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the
microchip
> the aliens implanted in their brain.
>
> An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a
> Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
>
> Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or
Die"
> in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a
> primarily Muslim country.
>
> Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
>
> Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security
> clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I
> have one and I have no reason to question them.
>
> Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic
> parasites.