Closeness

I guess I will start this off by saying that I am very attractive. My problem is that I'm lonely.

All my life I have been fine with being by myself, but now I am really wishing I had someone around to (something cheesey this way comes) just hold me in their arms. I'm plagued by scruffy guys coming on to me at bus stops in really superficial ways if you catch my drift, but that's not what I want. I am sick of it. What I want is for someone to really want to get to know me and be WITH me.

But I'm really shy. In school I don't get to know people too well because I am very quiet and it takes me a long time to feel comfortable around people, so all of the outgoing people get to know each other quickly and then the circle sort of closes me out. I volunteer, but the people there are much older than me. I am also a co-op student in a large office so the people there are also much older.

A lot of this is me just getting stuff off my chest. What I really would like is to know if anyone has any advice on how to overcome my shyness so maybe I could initiate something (but I would probably still chicken out). Also maybe how I should feel about this whole thing, should I try to change myself or just keep hoping that someone will approach me who is after the same thing?

Make a giant fool of yourself in front of a lot of people. Ask out every "hot" guy you come across, very assertively and directly. The sooner you are rejected and embarrassed the sooner you will realize it's not as bad of a thing as you think. You'll learn when it's appropriate to put yourself in a vulnerable state and when to keep your guard up. That's a neccessary skill in forming a solid relationship anyway.

Sitting around waiting for somebody to just carry you away won't do you any good. Relationships only progress when both people are active, in the beginning and all throughout.

I know you're right, and that is good advice, but I really don't know if it's in me yet. I have a really hard time putting myself "out there," and I freeze up big time when I'm on the spot. I say the dumbest things when people catch me off gaurd, people end up thinking I'm stupid, and I miss the boat because I fall on my ass.

Okay my only option may be to just bite the bullet, but I can't picture myself being able to do that.

The most outstanding of individuals will say completely absurd things when caught off guard. People who exude confidence in social situations simply do so because they have experienced more awkward moments and learned how to deal with them. EVERYONE makes mistakes. If you encounter a person who appears to be particularly charismatic, you can level the field in your mind by remembering that at one point in time they felt just as out of place as you do.

People end up thinking you are stupid? Truly? I'm willing to bet that is only a feeling you have within yourself. I fumble over my words frequently, particularly around attractive women. They rarely notice or care as long as it doesn't disrupt the flow of conversation. Guys notice even less because they mostly focus on general concepts of conversation rather than each individual word like women often do.

You're trying to find someone like yourself, but if they are like you and also have difficulty opening up then how are you ever supposed to meet that person? Just a thought.

Disenchanted - you could try the BTN rule I've always advised for my girlfriends to build up their confidence. Simply put, it's just a way of the step-routine as oppose to immediately 'jump into the deep ends' strategy.

I think it's good that Wyote is trying to de-sensitize you towards the idea of rejection. But, I think the bottom root of where all that comes from is the thought of "I-could-careless-the-out-come" because I already feel great about myself. Now, the BTN (a.k.a. better than nothing) rule applies to people who you don't have such high opinions of. I'm saying, that we all have judge systems built in automatically in us. Those that we get nervous around because we "think" they are better than us either socially, or academically. Then, there are those that we aren't as apt or inclined to impress. So, why don't you try to just make plans with those people that you aren't impressing, and get a 'feel' for what it's like to just not put so much stock on asking people to go on a date or hangout with you and work your way up? You slowly challenge yourself to ask people and be social?! The more positive results you attain, the more likely you're feel that asking people out in general and getting to know others are not that much of a big deal. The key is also to try and ask out as myriad people from different walks of life as possible. That way, you don't start to feel that only CERTAIN people will say yes.

By the way - I don't think I've put enough thought into writing out my response; so I must apologize for the slapstick response I gave. I use to be a very shy girl myself way back in highschool, but I found myself slowly getting out of that as I got older. There are some nice tricks to use when you find yourself in the dilemma you just described.

For one, because you are shy - you are privy to alot of things that extroverted people aren't. You can observe more, instead of being in the thick of the action, and thus lose all introspective abilities. I think with shyness naturally comes the ability to be very sensitive to the feelings, and needs of others. I found myself, doing alot of observing - especially the intricate language of faces and body language when I wasn't participating. My mom offered that to me when I was young and it always served tremendous amout of use later on. I found that I was able to better see whether or not people wanted to continue a conversation, or are just hurmoring me because they have nothing better to do. Once you have the basics down (i.e. you can tell before they open their mouths what they are feeling), I think you are better equipped to navigate your way around socializing. From there, you can tell whether they are creeps, jerks, or just cadid spirits. As well, try not to take things personally if people don't automatically light up to you - because the world doesn't revolve around YOU only. So, not taking things as personally helps alot when it comes to bursting out of your shy bubble. HOpe that helps.

Shyness is quite a hard thing to get over, especially when it comes to members of the opposite sex (or members that you like). Age and experience do help, i find myself a lot more comfortable around girls than guys (and just in case the picture fails to give it away i am a guy) as a general rule, this is mainly because i dont give a toss about football (soccer to most of this lot) so ran out of conversation topics with the majority of guys i knew pretty quickly. I made a few friends who were girls, and then went to sixth form at a girls school ( most of it was all girls but sixth form was co-ed, though there were still only 6 guys out of 120 people) this meant that pretty much all of my school friends from the last two years are girls, which meant i got used to chatting to girls more (i had a girlfriend throughout my time there so i wasnt trying chat anyone up but even friends of the opposite ex are useful) you get to know how the opposite sex thinks (though no male will ever understand women fully) and just get used to their company, then you can start thinking about how to move on to making more than friends.

I don't usually give advise out of personal experience, I don't put much stock in it and I'm not feeling in an entirely neutral unbiased mood right now but I'll say it any way. There are a few things I regret doing because they were stupid and wrong fewer still I regret because I just wasn't good enough to pull them off and the failure had unpleasant repercussions. I do however deeply regret having spent to much of my life alone, mostly in this case in the absence of good friends.

There's no need to give up being 'shy' or become a superficial 'cool kid' but I do advise you to start taking risks, even if they scare you witless, in fact especially if they scare you witless.

Thanks a lot for your advice everybody, you really have helped me. I initiated a conversation with a stranger today which is small beans for most people, but it's something I hardly ever do. It went nicely and now I have a new friend at the office. =)

Also, purely out of coincidence, I met another person and we'll be seeing each other again. This has put me in a better mood. I think I will always be reserved to an extent, but even just by meeting two new people I feel more confident in my social abilities.

@CodeWarrior, re: spending too much time alone & not having good friends, I can definately relate. Social isolation is one of the worst, most depressing feelings in the world. This thread was spawned out of my desire to get out of that situation, it's been this way for far too long. I sincerely hope everything works out for you.

Thanks again for your time & help everyone.

I'm glad that you've made an effort to step out of your comfort zone, and as a result experienced something positive. Too many people don't want to push themselves and end up not gaining. Glad to hear that you've made some progress! GOod Job.

Thanks

The pessimist in me (which is most of me) is wondering about the likely imminent "one step back," but I'll get over it and hopefully through this process learn how to live for the good stuff and not dwell on the bad stuff so much.

just rename pessimism caution and you are well on your way . glad to hear that you are making progress on the socialising front.

THis is the same way I feel really, i would have to agree with all the above posters. Some people though that you may want to be friends with are not ver respectibe, im going through the same thing you are, and just recently i realized that.

Hi Endless. It's tough isn't it. Being shy really makes you appreciate the concept of having people around who care about you as you do them. I think we are quite lucky in some respects though because, as Kitten mentioned, we're usually more receptive to people's feelings and therefore excellent friends once people get to know us.

While I'm in the thread I'll give a little update. Haven't really met anyone new & the people I met before will likely stay aquaintances.

I am looking into hypnotherapy/NLP to help me with my shyness and self-esteem. I'm very serious about trying it, when it happens I will post a thread and let you guys know how I get on.

& Good luck Endless