Ponderisms

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.



* Life is sexually transmitted.


* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"


* Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."



* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you had an open mind wouldn't your brains fall out?

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

A FINE is a tax for doing wrong. A TAX is a fine for doing well.

lol keep it up......

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!

Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies.They're terrible!

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents.
Then, some more pornography.

My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons wealready have.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Do Vegatarians eat animal crackers?

If teacher teach, does hammer ham?
Pineapple, nor its made of Pine or Apple, why does it call Pineapple?
Boxing ring, a square ring? or a circle box?
if vegetarian eat vegetable, does humanitarian eat human?

if trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? we would, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.