a page of new randomn jokes i wrote today

Tell me whats funny i do standup.



Being half irish and half blaclk i already know what im going to name my kid. Shawanda o nailey. Being half black and half white i get these urges i always make sure my pants are just below my asscrack when im swimming with sharks. I pick cotton and then wip myself. I robbed someone it was the first parAchute robbery ever.

I hate it when people ask me how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? How the fuck should i know? Do i look like a wood chuck top you why do you assume that wood chucks chuck wood you rascist prock!


Do you ever find ur self thinking id hit that but with a shovel and repeately.
Once you go black its a spooky knife filled walk home.

Im still in highschool whenever i go into the fourth grade bathroom. Im not doing it for kicks the big boy bathroom is closed. Theres always a puddle of euron and its not even near the eurinal. Thats means some kid just walks in a pisses right in the middle of the floor.

It would not work out for me in jail like the first day. He took out his penis HES GAY HES GAY OMG HE TRIED TO RAPE ME. Look that sort of thing happens alot ur not gonna want to be such a baby about it.

Usually when i watch weeds the award winning series on show time i've smoked some. Iisnt that ironic.

I wanna go to fat camp just to make them misreable. Jesus may be ur savior but you only lose weight though me.

I have better stuff......................

The developement of your jokes is pretty good, I did laugh at a good portion of them. I do stand up as well in Maine (Tough Crowds, you're not funny, they throw beer bottles at you, a la "Blues Brothers". The only one I'd modify is the 'Fourth Grade Bathroom" one.

Now I go to High School, and for some odd reason I always find myself taking a leak in the fourth grade bathroom, which is on the OTHER side of the campus- hey, a note to you track stars, here's a training exercise for ya, Drink five Mountain Dews and get from your seat to the other seat before you explode all over the place. Yessir, I gaurantee you'll be shaving seconds of your mile time with that.
But the real reason I do this is that little kids are just so clean, man, Nine times out of ten the bathroom door that the 'big boys' use has that 'Closed sign' Nailed to it and the fragrant aroma of stale piss wafting under the door. (Who the hell was the bright guy who put a bathroom right by the lunch line? I'll tell you, it's nauseating to stand there smelling piss for thirty minutes only to get up to the bar and get a plateful of shit. Big improvement.) But I think that the little guys get the shit- ahem, short end of the deal. We think young kids, what's the first thing that comes to mind? Little Nazi Children up to thier eyeballs in muck throwing things at other little nazi children. (Lovable little guys) Teenagers, if not crazier, are supposed to be cleaner. WHEN YOU'RE LITTLE, YOU LEARN HOW TO AIM THE---The....how do I say this....(go zen here) To channel the river through the air INTO THE DAMN TOILET. IT'S NOT THAT HARD, PEOPLE! And apparently us teens forget how to do that! We apparently just stand in front of the urinal, let fly....bloke ya know walks in, you turn to say hi, don't even BOTHER even stopping it, just wash the tiles..mm mmmh that just screams we get smarter with age, doesn't it?

I like the stuff you wrote, I was just bored and expanded on your bathroom joke a bit. Do you do standup at comedy clubs or parties or what?

I do open mikes in new york and occasionly a show or two. You really did add some funny stuff to the bathroom bit. Thanks! Have you bombed yet i hope i dont i been doing stand up for about 2 months now i have a bunch that really works so if a set isnt going to well i can just go back to that.

I've bombed once, and I hope never to do that again, I was doing a bit on how Celebrities can do anything, I.E beat thier kids all in the name of starting a trend, (look at Paris Hilton, with her alien-eye sunglasses.) and how whenever I try to start a trend, I've got the feds knocking down my door. It just wasn't funny at all, and I finally just signed off and slunk out the back before anyone there could dice me up or something.
Good move, having a fall material bit....mind if I steal that idea from ya?