Personal philosophy bubble burst

I couldnt give any less poo about what anyone else thinks about me. I look at myself as a passive observer of the world. I thought that as long as I was happy with myself thats all that matters. Im not gonna lie. I think im awesome. Other people dont, but the beuty lies in not caring about other people.
I went out for a smoke before going to bed, but in passing I told myself out of nowhere that it seems like purposeful self deceit so I can save myself the pain of looking at my actual self. I went to bed but this thought stuck with me. While the latter part doesnt bother at all the part about self deceit does.
Of the few people I can have arguments about this sort of thing, each of them will tell you that im outspoken against religion of any kind because its a comfort blanket for the masses. Its self deceit to make life seem like it has meaning or purpose. My view of life can be described as such.
This started gnawing at me and finally it pissed me off enough to get out of bed and vent on the internet.
It seems that my entire view on everything has collapsed. I live in self deceit. I live in a one man religion. Now that i realize this theres no going back but what bothers me is that I can think of any theory about any aspect of anything and this can be applied to it. Its self deceit.
At the risk of sounding melodramatic i feel like im hovering over an abyss because suddenly i cant believe in any theory or way of looking outward.

This brings me to the most important question of the night; why the f does this bother me so much? Ask anyone about their personal philosophy and they're gonna look at you like a crazy man. No one gives the least amount of crap. So why does it work me up enough to post this?
The need people have to believe in god is starting to make more sense, but not in any way that I could ever convert into any religion - i just understand why they want to believe.

Think about any philosopher and any theory. It seems that the main concern is to have the best one. To have a theory that the other philosopher cant debase. The search for truth has become the search for a better theory than your peer. I guess I just had a loss of faith in everything and i wanted to ask how you can still have a reasonably solid view of the world after every philosophical idea has become obsolete for you.

I think it bothers you so much because you really do care what other people think about you. Perhaps you are afraid that people won't like you as much as you like you.

aha! and when you finally reach what you were looking for... does it feel good? Yes and no. Living in a disillusioned world has its ups and downs. The down being the fact that there is no meaning in this world, pretty shitty I know, goes against everything you were taught growing up. The up is you're not another sheep, thank god for that. There's too many sheep. I see what you are saying with this self-deceit thing. It is like we are in this play, we are all taught to play our part but when you search for these answers and see this reality for what it really is, it is a depressing feeling, especially if theres no one who can relate with you about it. You see, as depressing as it is but also as liberating as it is, a shitty time is always a well spent time with someone you love or respect. And congratulations on your revelation of life. I encourage every person to search for the answer to the meaning of life. Telling somebody isn't enough, a lot of people can't or won't truly contemplate things like this. It's something that you just decide you need to find at some point in your life. Better sooner than later I figure.