A Short History of Medicine

"Doctor, I have a bad headache."

Responses in....

2000 b.c: "Here, eat this compound of root."
100 a.d: "Don't you dare touch that root, it's the work of the devil. Say this prayer."
1850 a.d: "That prayer is full of shit, here, drink this potion."
1940 a.d: "That potion is Snake Oil and Bat Testicles, quick- swallow this pill."
1975 a.d: "That pill is ineffective, try this new antibiotic."
2006 a.d: "That antibiotic is synthetic, here, eat this compound of root."

This distraught patient called her doctor in considerable distress. "Doctor, I wanted to know, is it true," she stammered slightly, "that I have to take this medication here for the rest of my life?"
"Yes manm, that is true." replied the doctor.
There was a moment of silence, then the woman took a deep breath and calmly answered, "than I'm wondering how serious my condition is, since this bottle is marked, "NO REFILLS."

29 Pondering-worthy questions.

1. If all those damn psycics know everything about the past and the future, and they know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
2. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
3. If winners never quit, and quitters never win, what is the deal with the slacker who came up with 'quit while you're ahead?"
4. What sick b*****d came up with the brilliant idea to put an 's' in the word 'lisp'?
5. If it's zero today and it'll be twice as cold tommorow, how cold is it gonna get?
6. When a door is open, it's ajar- when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
7. Is it humanly possible to have a civil war?
8. If a black box recorder is never damaged, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
9. Why do 24/7 shops have locks on thier doors?
10. Why is it when you open a can of evaporated milk, it's still full?
11. Why is it called tourist season if you can't shoot them?
12. Most accidents occur 10 km from home. Why not just move 20 km away?
13. Why do we need to write down who to contact in case of an emergency? Why don't we all just write in that slot, "A damn good doctor?"
14. Before we invented drawing boards, what did we go back to?
15. If all the world's a stage, where does the audience sit?
16. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
17. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
18. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
19. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
20. Light travels faster than sound, is this why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
21. Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
22. Why is there only one monopolies commision?
23. Why is it that there are five syllables in the world 'monosyllabic?"
24. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
25. why is Abbreviated such a long word?
26. Is the Leaning Tower of Pisa a listed building?
27. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
28. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
29. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Women want the benefits of a relationship without the benefits of unnessecary sex. Men want the unnessecary sex without the benefits of a relationship.

A bloke walks into the pub and asks for a vodka. The bartender looks over at the disheartened man and says, "Bad day?"
"Horrible," the man replies, "I just found out my brother is gay."
The man comes in again the next day, sits down, and orders two double scotches. The bartender lookes at the circles under the man's eyes and queries, "Was today any better?"
"Worse," rasped the man, chugging the drinks, "I just found out my other brother is gay."
"Holy crap," the bartender replied, "does anyone in your family like women?"
"Learned this today as well, not all that great." the man replies with glazed eyes. He bangs his head on the contertop.
"Well?"
"My wife apparently does."

A couple was told to write a sentance utilizing the words 'sex' and 'love' in a relationship workshop. The woman pondered for a while, then penned: "When two people love each other very much, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex."
The man, after much pondering, wrote, "I love sex."

15 Profound statements:

1. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
2. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
3. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
4. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
5. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
6. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
7. Man who run in front of car get tired.
8. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
9. Passionate kiss like spiderweb, soon lead to undoing of fly.
10. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
11. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
12. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
13. Man who eat too many prunes get good run for money.
14. It takes many nails to build crib, one screw to fill it.
15. Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Two guys were walking home from a bar, slightly tipsy. One of them groans, "Man, as soon as I get home I'm gonna rip my wife's knickers off so fast..."

The other looks at him and grunts, 'and just why the hell would you do that?'

"Because,' the other man replied, 'the elastic in them is killing me...."

Two old ladies were out for a walk when a streaker ran by them. One of them had a stroke. The other missed.

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system.

A: A refund.

George Bush steps off the Helicoptor at the white house cradelling a dog in his arms. The marine on duty calls out over the din of the rotors, "Sir, nice dog, Sir!"
Bush waves and calls back, "Thanks, I got it for Laura."

"Sir, Nice Trade, Sir!"

Top Ten Bill Clinton Movie Titles:

1. Free Willy
2. The Big Lewinsky.
3. Neither an Officer nor a Gentlemen.
4. Willy Wonka and the Cigar Factory.
5. Citizen Stain.
6. Prince of Ties.
7. Saving Private Lyin'
8. The Lying King.
9. Terms of Impeachment.
10. Waiting to Inhale.

I have decided to take Anti-hystamine tablets with my nightly Viagra. That way I achieve an erection that's not to be sneezed at.