Apathy

I'm pretty uninterested in everything around me, and I realize that's not a good thing. I've been like this for at least the past four years, and it's getting to the point where I need to find a way to change it so I can start building a life for myself (I'm done with high school in 1 month). I have no motivation, passion,
and nothing interests me enough for anything to come of it. I'm not even interested in my relationships (or lack thereof). I don't give much of a hoot if people talk to me or not, I just pretend to be interested so I don't offend them, but I really hate to fake it.

I want to want something, so I can build some goals and get some pleasure out of life. That is the only thing in the word that I want. I'm trying to find a counsellor, but I'll be on a long wait-list since I'm not slitting my wrists or anything. I just feel calm. I'm getting sick of being calm and unemotional.

This is partially to vent, but also to see if maybe someone has some pointers on magically gaining an interest in life. I feel like a waste of oxygen.

do you have any interests at all? anything you enjoy spending time doing at all?

i know what you mean about having the lack of motivation, i really cant wait for school to be over so i dont have to bother with it any more. but i have a goal of study engineering at uni, so i know i have to work. is there nothing that you can think of that you would enjoy doing? even if its not something that you have tried.

Just a shot in the dark. 2 actually.

Could it be that you live your life in a near vacuum? Not really aware of the world around you? There's a lot out their to affect a person. A great deal of beauty and ugliness in the world to inspire and motivate. Could it be that you are trapped in a small and insignificant grey clique of the world?

On the other hand maybe you just don't have the time to be inspired. Maybe your life is like tread mill and you just never have time to stop and smell the roses?

Thanks for the responses.

Cynic-Al: I enjoy computers, and spend a lot of time on them. So I guess I lied when I said I didn't want anything, because I do want to do something involving computers. I'm thinking I'll study programming (I've already looked into many computer-related careers). Still, I'm not as passionate about it as I feel I should be, and seem to be dragging my feet. But I do know that it's the general direction I want to go in terms of my career, so I'm thankful for that.

CodeWarrior: I have been in that situation before, but then I did force myself to get out there and try things. Joined clubs, met a good deal of people, read spiritual/motivational books, and had some bizarre experiences, in an effort to find what interested me. The thing I seemed to be most interested in was my computer as I mentioned above. Still, it's no burning passion. I do find inspiration through little things occasionally (quotes, books, music) but it's always short lived and aimless.

I'm very good at smelling the roses, which is probably why I'm always so calm. That's the problem though, I basically live in the roses. I shove the roses up my nose in fact, and I have no interest in anything but the damn roses. I don't even enjoy being around most of the people I meet so I don't bother much to maintain my relationships. A social life for me seems more trouble than it's worth.

Mental illness and chemical imbalances run in my family so I'm beginning to think I just need a good dose of something to straighen me out and light a fire under my arse.

Then perhaps instead of smelling the roses you need to wake up smell the coffee. As I said the world is an ugly place too. Perhaps you need to see exactly how ugly it can be before you get angry enough to feel a cause is worth fighting for. Maybe you're not used to thinking you can make a differs even in a small way. Maybe the problems of the world seem distant and abstract.

Just out of interest what is it your computer does for you, just what function does it perform in your life, that makes it special to you personally?

You're right, there's nothing I feel is worth fighting for, and I don't feel that I can make much of a difference. I have been through my share of ugliness and there is definately more to come, but it fails to motivate me. To be honest I have a hard time feeling any extreme emotion, anger included. All I really feel is a sort of "empty peacefulness."

There are many reasons I enjoy computers so I'll just list them:
- it's been the only constant through my life since age 10
- it makes time go by fast
- entertainment, escape
- an amazing tool for gaining knowledge
- creative outlet
- flexible
- the world at my fingertips

It's the only thing I seem to want to do. Aside from that I seem to have no desires.

Perhaps your apathy is not about a lack of things to care about ... .

This is probably a bad analogy and I have no direct experience of these matters but I have read that when a girl is raped or having some uncomfortable experience such as a pap smear she may retreat in to a sort of mental safe place. A kind of "I'm not here this isn't happening" alternative reality where she tries to detach her self from what's happening to her body. You talk about life handing you tour share of ugliness. Perhaps life has raped you, metaphorically speaking?

You speak of more ugliness to come as if you are in a place of powerlessness. Perhaps you've created a head space that is artificially peaceful in response to this. Perhaps what you need is some way to feel empowered and secure.

Yeah that does make sense. Hopefully counselling will empower me, and help me gain a little faith in security because at this point I don't think I can do it by myself. It will be strange getting help for this because although I want to change, I simultaneously want to stay exactly where I am even though it's not satisfying.

It's like I've been alive for 500 years and I just want to get it over with.

I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way myself...not having any motivation, interest in friends or relationships and always being in solitude. I'm 25 years old and I've been living the same mundane life day after day my whole life. Do you find it hard to trust people, like I do? I have interests in relationship, but they never materialize and turn out the way they're suppose to. I've been hurt so many times I'm starting not to care anymore. I took antidepressants, but they didn't work. They just made me all sorts of dizzy. If I were you, I'd try to talk with some close friends and a couselor to help you. My friends try to help me the best they can. Hope you get everything back on track.

Disenchanted,

Consider a tent standing on its own on a remote mountain top in Scotland. There's not much around; a grey sky, rain clouds all over, midges looming waiting to irritate the f*** out of you. Your stoves run out of gas so theres no food; just for good measure.

Now add just one thing: someone to share the occasion with so that, despite all these bad things, life could be no better.

Dreams come true

Even in gloomy places.

At 17 you're expected to know what you want for your future. My guess is you're getting some pressure from those that care.

Disenchanted, you probably feel 'different'. That there are not many that you can associate with.

One day, you will come across something/someone that will change your outlook. Keep your eyes and heart open for it could be something as small as an ant.

I havent thought about this until i read this thread, but i seem to be in the exact same spot. I just dont care about anything. Until now I looked at it like a center in me, a zen garden of sorts. I never was the hot blooded type, but in recent years this idea has really developed, and im enjoying it. I look at people around me and I can read them like books, no doubt because im outside the whole deal.
I have no illusions; ive always been social outcast and in all likelyhood will remain as such but I credit this calmness and acute perception to that fact alone.

Its not exactly the happiest of lives, but if i was to be born again with a choice of being who i am now as opposed to being a popular insider i would choose this life in a heartbeat.
While most of this probably doesnt relate to you i can offer some advice in that you could try to get some good things out of this state. Provided that you're not talking about a form of depression being calm and slightly detached can work to your advantage in many situations.

A way to motivate yourself...The greatest way to motivate yourself is to find pleasure or enjoyment in anything you do. Life drive isn't easy to get. I would try making things funny. Start doing things that will make you laugh or on lookers laugh. Usually a lack of motivation in life is a lack of hardships. Perhaps you need to suffer more to feel that fire burn inside.

I think I've got the solution as I've been in seemingly the exact same position, I swear. The problem, I'm guessing, is that you are stuck in this boring lifestyle, completely content but theres no fulfillment and people are bugging you to do stuff. I imagine this niche of life we are talking about is similar to retirement. Anyways, back to the solution. I've found that performing mindless tasks fixes pretty much all of the problems of fulfillment as well as somewhat gets those people off your back. My mindless task is music. I swear to god, there is no better way to detach yourself from depressing thoughts than painstakingly trying to achieve perfection in a musical progression. Your mind won't think things like "why am I doing this?" or "why don't I want to hang around people". Instead it will say stuff like "3rd fret, 1st fret, 1st fret, 2nd fret" over and over and over again. Seriously give it a whirl. Our brains love to do logical shit, we're all obsessive compulsive about perfection and order to an extent.