A brief history of the Church

A history of the Catholic Church

3760 BC: God creates the mundane world. The pope declares his protest.
3760 BC: God creates the humans as man and wive. Serious crisis between Heaven and Rome, ambassador in heaven is called back to Rome. Pope calls God "a filthy pervert".
3760 BC: Catholic scientists discover existence of sexual parts on the human body. Pope declares necessarity of clothing.
3760 BC: Eve buys her first "apple of insight". Bill Gates throws Adam and Eve out of the paradise garden.
1250 BC: Moses invents the Jewish Nation.
1200 BC: Civilisation Advance: Jewish Scientists discover the secrets of JURISDICTION.
1020 BC: Civilisation Advance: Jewish Scientists discover the secrets of MONARCHY.
931 BC: Wonders of the World: Salomon builds TEMPLE OF JERUSALEM.
853 BC: The prophet Elija announces the coming of Jesus.
776 BC: Wonders of the World: Greeks builds OLYMPIC GAMES.
756 BC: Greeks found City of Kyzikos.
756 BC: Greeks found City of Trapezos.
753 BC: Romans found City of Rome.
750 BC: Greeks found City of Kyme.
739 BC: The prophet Jesaja announces the coming of Jesus.
734 BC: Greeks found City of Naxos
733 BC: Greeks found City of Syrakus
730 BC: Greeks found City of Mende
730 BC: Greeks found City of Methone
729 BC: Greeks found City of Katane
729 BC: Greeks found City of Leontinoi
728 BC: Greeks found City of Megara Hyblia ...wait a minute, what's that got to do with a history of the catholic church?
609 BC: The prophet Jeremia fails to announce the coming of Jesus. Pope declares to be worried.
597 BC: Jerusalem is conquered by Nebukadnezar II. Babylonian exile.
538 BC: End of the Babylonian exile.
509 BC: Rome becomes a republic. Pope declares to be worried.
411 BC: Rulership of the fourhundred, later of the fivethousend in Athen.
404 BC: Rulership of the thirty in Athen.
403 BC: Athen becomes democratic again.
399 BC: Death of Socrates.
388 BC: Plato invents christianism.
331 BC: Greeks found City of Alexandria.
306 BC: Epikur refutates christianism.
250 BC: First greek translation of the bible, the so-called Septuaginta.
216 BC: Ludi Plebeii in Rome.
204 BC: Black Stone of the Magna Mater transferred to Rome.
166 BC: Rebellion of the Makkabaeians in Palestine.
164 BC: Temple of Jerusalem is consecrated again.
161 BC: Greek philosophers expelled in Rome. Rome now open for all kinds of strange, irrational religions.
146 BC: Karthago destroyed. Karthagian Civilisation destroyed by the Romans.
44 BC: Roman scientists discover the secrets of EMPIRIALISM.
7 BC: The word becomes flesh.
30 AD: The flesh becomes word again.
35 AD: Paulus discovers the secrets of THEOLOGY. Everybody is damned and deserves hell, just a few will be saved, without own merits.
70 AD: Temple of Jerusalem destroyed.
95 AD: Philosophers expelled from Italy.
197 AD: Apologeticum by Tertullian published. Tertullian claims to believe that the one who died has raised, since it is absurd.
203 AD: Origenes gets rid of his penis.
240 AD: Mani starts to preach and gets crucified, but the general public seems to prefer christianism instead of manianism.
251 AD: De catholicae ecclesiae unitate by Cyprian published.
268 AD: Synode of Antiocheia.
311 AD: Being a christ becomes legal.
313 AD: Roman Empirium is divided into two parts.
314 AD: Synode of Arles.
325 AD: Council of Nicaea. Christian scientists discover that the son is different from the father (in spite of Sabellius and his sabellianistic heresy), but not created by the father and of the same substance than the father (in spite of Arius and his arianistic heresy). As a side result, the Easter date is fixed.
330 AD: Konstantinopel becomes capital city.
381 AD: Council of Konstantinopel.
379 AD: Emperor Theodosius supports the catholic theology against the heresy of arianism.
427 AD: Civitas dei by Augustinus. If a virgin gets raped, it is because she was too proud about her virginity. Non-baptisted children go to hell.
431 AD: Council of Ephesos. Christian scientists discover that Jesus consisted of just one person, not two, a human and a divine, as Nestor claimed. The result was obtained by Cyrillus by not letting in the supporters of Nestor.
451 AD: Council of Chalzedon. Christian scientists discover that Jesus had two different natures, a human and a divine, in spite of the monophysitian heresy claiming he had only one nature. This result was obtained heavily with the aid of the Bishop of Rome. From now on, the nature and structure of god was fully understood, and the Bishop of Rome in his importance established. The rest of the history is of minor interest.


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