My First movie review: Under Siege

Review of: Under Siege

Starring Steven Seagal, Tommy Lee Jones, Gary Bushey.



Its not a job. Its an adventure !

Under Siege is probably the best Steven Seagal movie out there (which can't really be classified as a compliment any way you look at it), all praise given to Tommy Lee Jones, who plays weirdo-villian-ex-CIA agent Strannix.

Seagal plays Casey Ryback, a cook on board the SS Missouri, who just so handily happens to be an ex-navy seal. Arf Arf, Clap Clap.

As per usual Stevie shows about as much emotion as an earwig, but only uglier.

Ooh, get me.

Although being a Seagal film, it has surprisingly few action scenes, and more, dare I say it, story. {gasps}

Tommy Lee Jones is the fantastically played villain in this film, who stays clam, cool and ruthlessly collected (Hey, they should make that into a Seagal movie tagline) until the bitter end, in which he predictably gets killed by a vengeful Stevie.


The film however has a few good bits. For example, when the arch-villain played by Gary Bushey dresses up as Miss November to entertain the troops, ensuing uncontrollable laughter from my part.

The real Miss November survives the slaughtering of Strannix's mutiny against the crew, safe in the compounds of a novelty cake. She then strips off, expecting a few hundred navy guys wolf-whistling at her, but instead discovers a sweaty , tight-jeaned Steven Seagal. An experience for which i'm sure many women have gone through in their nightmares.


But of course, there is the ludicrously bad parts aswell. But of course, its a Seagal film.

For example, when Stevie creates a makeshift bomb by doing some weird mug/gasoline/baking soda/microwave action that is scarily shot like the director expects the audience to understand what is going on, and so you end up even more confused in the first place, and slightly guilty.
Which then makes your head explode. Not really. Although it was close to detonation, much like the ship - by the end of the film.

Another laughably silly part of this film is how stupidly careless the actors behave in the situation.

A good example of such actions is when Casey is on a secure phone line to the United States Military, and they tell him to stay put and dont do anything silly.

He then goes off and makes shells for "starbursts" which are relatively harmless to big ocean-liners, but cause big explosions and a flare-like light.

Well obviously this is the right thing to do, the ship only has about 12 Tomahawk Missiles on board, 3 of which are nuclear tipped.

That wont do any damage at all if he trys to bloody well destroy the ship by firing these gargantual mini-bombs randomly around, whilst pretending to know what the hell he's doing.

Again, another silly bit that made me laugh is when Casey is locked away in the meat freezer, whilst a guard (who I swear is thicker than David Beckham after being hit over the head a few times with an anvil, thus ensuring brain damage) stands by to make sure he doesn't escape and reveal Stannix's evil ploy.

He then hears gunfire from above, he then calls up the Officer (who is on Stannix's side) to which he guarantees to him "Uh....that ? Uh.....that was firecrackers, Private. Part of the Captain's birthday surprise. This is an order Private, stay where you are, wer'e sending two officers down to..........relieve you." To which he replies "OK, Roger That."

He then complies to the soldiers every request when he is being held at gun point by them, and behaves impeccably, giving them his keys to the meat locker, his gun, and crouching on his knees.

His reward for being compliant, being shot at and killed.

I mean, my reaction to that scene was "Come on ! Put up a fight man! Kick 'im in the balls! He's wide open for a sneaky kick in the groin ! {he gets shot} { I groan } Oh well. He was shot. He deserved it anyway. Thick Bastard.


In the end, this film makes the likes of Speed 2 : Cruise Control or Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie look like Citizen Kane or the original Metropolis.

I give the film a firm 3 and a half out of 10.


Its a Seagal film.

The film equivalent of an old Fiat Panda with a big spoiler, huge sports bumpers and a very loud exhaust.

If your'e looking for a beautiful film which will change the way you think about things and will return you to it again and again, watch The Shawshank Redemption, Donny Darko or Its A Wonderful Life.

If your'e looking for an all around action film with big explosions, big knifes, and an actual story too, but aren't too worried about the quality of the film, just aslong as there's a nice ending and the traditional Stevie-Speech at the end of the film (a la -"On Deadly Ground" ) then this film is for you.

Or maybe this film is for you even if you aren't an over-excited 20 to 50 year old male looking for cheap-pops.

You can like this film, even if you dont actually like it.

How ?

By the ancient art of mocking !

Amen.