My Life SUCKS.......

BIG, H-A-I-R-Y, ASS!!!

When I first came here.... I wrote this advice thread, seeking some advice, and I really had some spectacular responses. So here I am again.

My life as I know it.......

Well, when I left you.... I believe I was with my love Joey, living alone, time running out, etc, etc.

Well time ran out. I BELIEVE it was around March 1st. Steve...(My son's father), said I had two choices: 1. Either I could move him back in.... in a seperate room, we'll just be roomies, blah blah blah. or 2. I could move Joey in, and my X would pay half the payment on the Condo and half the payment on one of the vehicles.

Blah Blah Blah. Joey diddn't save a fucken penny. Now when I say a PENNY. I mean not one fricken cent. HELL no was I going to move him in. I have everything. I literally have it all with alot to spare. You diddn't save ONE cent? You have lived with your parents for 35 years, and only lived alone for 3 months, and you want wha??? It all on a silver fucken platter??? I SAID ONE THING..... SAVE HALF OF YOUR PAYCHECK!!! He promised me he did. He told me that he was giving half of every check to his Dad. He lied. He was back into drugs. I had NO idea.

He denies it. I have proof. I happen to know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone, who was there. That same person knows that not only did he spend his money on the shit. He owes money FOR the shit. I also have a copy of his phone records. (I know....i'm a bad girl, my name ain't Evilia for nothing! ) I don't deal with druggies. So I left him. (BTW this isn't the first time he has done it) And I fucken hurt.

I want you to all know how much I loved him. I loved him for him. He changed so much for me, but as they say, once an addict, always one. Two weeks ago, we were in Venice Beach drinking wine, as I looked at him in his eyes and thought..... if for some reason this love ever has to end it will be a damn shame. SUCH a shame.

We love each other more than life, and if that isn't good enough for him to stop, he will NEVER stop. That hurts.

So where am I now?? Well I haven't actually "spoken", to him in a few days. He text messages me how he hurts, and how he misses me, and how he loves me. I text back only when I am going to bed. I just say "goodnight".

It gets worse. Steve lives here now. He has his own room. He does not bother me at all, but he wants to be a family again. You see..... I hide nothing from Steve. He knows about Joey. He knows practically everything about him and I. He knows why I am not with him now. He sees me cry. He asks for another chance, but when I look at him, I remember the last 5 years. Steve never treated me badly at ALL. He treated me with the utmost respect. He just never kissed me, or had sex with me, which in turn, killed me. It killed my self esteem, it killled my self worth, it put me into a major depression in which I blamed it all on the fact that maybe there was something wrong with me. For YEARS. I am a BEAUTIFUL woman, believe me. Almost as sexy as they come. Long story..... but as Joey is a druggie.... steve has a company with several offices around the US and that is his drug. Shit even the thought of the pain I expierenced makes me want to cry. I am quite bitter twoards Steve. I am not mean to him, but then again I am not all nicie nicie. (spelling error)

Tonight I have to go to my childs open house with him. The first time we will be doing a "family", thing in a long time. We are going to dinner, then there. UGH!!!

Shit, my life sucks.

Someone send me some luck this way.
To top all of this shit off.........I need to start my period like in the next couple of days, or concider my life OVER.

Please pray!
If you got this far...... thanks for taking the time to read my vent. Any suggestions are totally welcome.

Evilia

Thank you so much for your response Decius.


I'm pregnant.

I'm keeping the baby.

It's Joey's of course. (in case you all are wondering.... I haven't been with steve in like 10 months)

I will be around but I won't be posting for at least a couple of days until this finally sinks in.

I am soooo confused, and in pain, I can't even explain it.

By having this baby I will actually have not one persons support. Not one. The only thing I have heard or will ever hear is that since Joey isn't able to help "support", the baby, I should abort the baby.

I will admit it. The deep dark secret. I did when I was 18. You couldn't PAY me to ever do that again. The thought of my actions brings tears to my eyes and that was a BILLION years ago.

I just gota pray for a miracle, or me to snap out of this sadness or something. This is totally new to me, I found out later after I wrote the last post, then went to a clinic to confirm. I truely just need one true person to help me through this. Believe me..... its gona be me against the fucken world.

They can all kiss my ass.
I'm having this child.
And fuck anyone who has something negetave to say.

Hope you all have a beautiful, wonderful, spectacular week.... and if you pray.....
please keep me in your prayers.

I am very numb right now.

First off, Congrats...I am glad that you are keeping the baby. I found out that my x's sister might be pregnant too...Shes a friend and I at least see her every sunday's playing pool w/friends...

Hey, I am always here, and you've got my email, so contact me...If you feel depressed, sullen...I'm not constantly on, but I try...

I also congradulate you on your decision...Its not everyday that someone can say that they are strong enough to raise a child(ren) by themselves. Thats awesome...

I know I'm not a girl, so I won't even come close to feeling the loss of a child in the womb. But I can care for you. I understand the loss at the least just a bit. I will pray for you as well. I hope you do get better and feel a lot better.

My thoughts are with you.
(Big Ol Hug)

Thanks soooo much.

Your post means alot.

The way you felt and feel is very similar to me. Having a to deal with things all alone...it's gonna hurt....*Deep Breath* Alot...Then similar things arise...with the abortion...I feel lonely with out my cat, which i had to leave at my parents house when I moved out, Mittens...I love the furball...he's there to comfort me constantly...I wanna see my mom again...Wanna cry b/c of what has happened to me...*Deep Breath* sorry for the off topic rant...

I'm there for ya, I'll be strong if you be strong.

Aww Evilia ((( hugs))), I wish you lots of good vibes.

The thing about relationships is that they can become a habit. Good or bad, they can still become habit forming. You get comfortable in knowing that person, and them knowing you. Even if you don't admire many things about them, there's still a familiarity. There's nothing wrong with that if you are happy with just being content.

I hope I'm not over stepping my bounds (being new herel) but I just want you to know, I wish you all the best of luck.

Thanks so much you guyz for all of your support.

Joey is soooooo excited. Which helps, but still. We spent the day at the park yesterday discussing alot of stuff.

I still feel upset/confused about this whole thingy. I'll write more when I get a chance about my lil soap opera. "Evilias So Called Life." Hehehe.

Anyone out there a writer, who would like to do a book/movie about this soooooo fricken complicated/emotional situation?
I'm even thinking about doing a type of video diary of my feelings, thoughts and emotions. Who knows.... you just might see a documentary on HBO some day!!! (Now HHHEEEYYYYY that dosen't quite sound like such a bad idea!)

Anyway.... those of you who have wrote my inbox/emailed me/or posted here re:this... I truely want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even if a woman is SET and READY to have a baby... there are so many emotions that go with the fact of finding out that you are having a child. I am waiting paitiently until all of this sinks in, and I truly make a full on plan on how exactally I am going to do this when I am not living with the father/living with my X. ETC ETC!!!! OMG.

Wishing you all a happy Friday!
Evilia

Evilia you are dumb the joe shomoe gonna dump u as soon as the kid pops out so how about abortion ?

How about if you go fuck yourself with a 2X4?

not the wiset thing to say, rammstien...what has got you so... tied up in bunches? I've seen posts from you around...so angry...the darkside is not the proper path...the lightside will always conquer.

Evilla, that does seem like a good idea to do to rammstien... anyways...time to pay the bills....

well it was not a wisest thing to say but some one must save her cuz she is going down like ther is no tomorrow dude she already has 5 kids she really dose not need another one

I have TWO you dumb ass. (Read before you post)

who are you calling dummm asss, dum asss look at your self in a mirror you ugly twat

i find it very hard to believe that you are 28... hmm, but actually i guess i dont

The mere fact that you would call someone an "ugly twat" without ever laying eyes on them just amplifies the obvious.......twenty-eight years of ignorance in the making.