My life as I know it... or do I know it??

Hi everyone. This is a letter I reciently wrote to all of my long lost friends who have been completely lost to what had happened to me. You be the judge. All imput will be greatly appreciated. (well i'm shure not ALL, hehehe)

WARNING: It's a little long.

Why hello there my beautiful friends who I have left in the dark regarding my existence. Hope you are all doing well.

I have not written due to the fact that I was (and still am) quite confused upon the path my life might take. I never wanted to do a long ass letter on my plans only to have to write another long ass letter explaining that they have changed, therefore embarrassing the shit out of myself. Hehehehe. I STILL do not have any "set" plans for I am just taking this shit one day at a time, but I am refraining from my rudeness because you are all my friends, and friends are so damn important. (I know this. I have but one friend here.)

O.k..... where to begin? Here goes..... I am no longer with Steve. Steve has not lived with me since the end of December. You all know the story......I fell madly in love with him. He was a pure Dick. I got pregnant, he STILL was a pure Dick. At 7 months pregnant I moved to Cali, found out he cheated. Bla, bla, bla. He then pretty much paid me to keep me happy, bought me stuff, for the rest of the time (what was that 4 years?? UGH) Yes he was kind to me ... but I will get into that a little later.

Let me tell you a little about my possessions. (not to be conceded, but to prove a point here) I have a new Xterra, a new 350-z convertible, a beautiful 3 bed 3 bath condo, a HUGE walk in closet full with so many shoes and clothes I can't walk in it. (and everything is folded properly) Designer everything. A stereo in each room. Surround sound upstairs and downstairs. TWO Ps2's, Gamecube, X-box, Ps, Nintendo 64, two computers, tivo, diamonds, lets just say soooooooooo fucken much shit that if you gave me a million bucks, really the only thing I need right now is detergent and cat litter. My point? Money ain't shit. Now money helps of course. When you DON'T have money it is the most important thing. (believe me, at this time I have 100 bucks to my name and I pretty much had to kiss ass to get it)

The one thing I was lacking. Love. I was not loved. Do I believe he loves me? Yes, shit he has to I am his best friend. But, I did not have the love I so longed for. The hug, the touch, the kiss, the PASSION. The "I'm so fucken in love with you sex Goddess, beautiful woman of my dreams," love. Embarrassing as it might seem. My hot, sexy body needs the touch of a MAN. A real man with true passion and love. Someone who was not only a friend, but a lover. I have not TRULY been loved in over 5 years. To him, I was a beautiful friend. In a sense a business partner, nanny, maid, cook, of whom he could tell he had a "family," with.

Did he know my feelings??? Of fucken course!!! You all know that I am a woman who speaks her mind. FULLY. Everything that's on it, in it, and around it. I forgot how it was to be kissed. Sure I was pecked hello and good-bye. Though I would go MONTHS without a kiss. A real kiss. A sloppy, wet ass kiss. A kiss of love. Of passion. And no there was no sex at all. Ever. Well, maybe once every two months or so, but I was not kissed then either. It was pretty much back the truck up, I need to load it up. (Ewwwww, lol) I asked him why. I cried a lot. My answers were, work stress, tiredness from work, etc., etc. My conclusions??? Either you are just not attracted to me, you are cheating, or you are gay. I have, after pondering this alone now come to the decision that it is either addiction to work, (power, money, toys) or gayness. Whichever the reason, I deserved and still do deserve to know. I actually beat myself up forfucken EVER thinking I was maybe unattractive, or yucky in some way to him. He always said, "No, you are BEAUTIFUL, it is me, I just don't know why." Did he get checked?? Yup. Testosterone normal. Did he see a shrink??? No but he should have. Because I left. (or made him leave)

Anyway....... I met someone. His name is Joey. For the last 6 months that Steve and I were living together, I was with Joey. Did Steve have ANY idea?? HELL no. He was too busy with work, projects, ways to make MORE cash, etc. etc. Did I warn him?? A billion times. He never took me seriously. He thought his money could keep me here. Not.

Back to Joey. Joey is totally different from Steve. He doesn't even make a quarter of what Steve makes. Joey is big and chubby. Joey is not the best looking man in the world by far. He has several kids. A lot of flaws, which he has worked on tremendously therefore I am soooo proud of his accomplishments.

Joey's good points. He protects me, he loves me, he adores me, he would do anything for me, he kisses me, he dances with me, he makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he has changed my life. He has given me hope in this shit ass world. Do I love him? Very much so. The thought of him makes me smile. People call us beauty and the beast. It's his beastliness I adore. I have adored him for now....for almost 8 months?

So..........back to my decisions on life. What will I do. What will I do. STILL I have no idea. I can stay here with Joey, pretty much struggle money wise, and then Steve can continue to have a relationship with his son in this smog infested yuck of a state called California. OR..... I can pack my shit, move back to the beautiful state called Arizona, where the cost of living is soooooooo much cheaper, where I have friends, and a little family...(brother, Mother) Joey will leave with me in a second, but he too has kids that really need him. (they are older 12+) He has not said anything about his kids..... he says no matter what he will go where I go, but I am the one not wanting to be the "bad guy." Nor will I be.
OR
I could ask Steve to move in as friends, get my bills paid, my son still will have his father, and we will lead separate lives. (a way of having my cake and eating it too)<<<<which you all know would never work in the end.

So........ this is my life as I know it. Days it is fucken WONDERFUL. Days I have to think about it..... it sucks ass. Shitty ass. I have yet to actually make a decision but I need to quickly for Steve will pay my bills up through March, then I best be where I plan on going by then.

Your imput will greatly be appreciated.
Love and kisses to you all.
Jean
PS I know I spell like shit. Hehehe.

Quite a sordid tale! 'The young and the restless' would be envious!

Let me ask you- what does happines cost?
it seems you are living under a pretense with steve if you no longer love each other why stay together? (aside for the sake of the child)
Is joey also in AZ? He may or may not be your salvation but love is a basic need for a person- maybe your life wont be filled with those material items you like but that is only one part of the whole. Things of course may get ugly with steve as in divorce but you both may be best off that way- how long can that go on anyway and him moving back in a s friend that is not going to work ( if it does maybe all three of you and the children should live in a comune of some sort...)
But you paint a pretty picture of your home and cars that may be very difficult to walk away from- you seem quite attached-
Difficult decisions lie ahead.

Good Luck

Hahaha! The Young and the Restless for shure!! (as a matter of fact many have stated that I resemble Lauren Fenmore, heehe)

To answer your question, "What does happiness cost?" Hmmmm. Well happiness, in my opinion costs just not to struggle. I am in the process of starting my own business with a friend. (well....ebay, not quite a business, but a start anyways) Love dosen't pay the bills of course....(though I shure wish it did) But the struggle gets me sooooo fricken down, that I do have my good days and my TERRIBLE days. On those good days, I feel strong, I feel hope, I feel like I can conquer the WORLD. I feel like I should. A smart, fine ass woman who has the ability to make it rich on my own. Now the OTHER days....i'm so damn depressed it's sickening. I believe it has to do with change. The one thing I soooo despise. Change for the good, change for the bad, just change period. Change in the weather, loose change, to change my clothes. (TOTALLY kidding on that one, haha) Do I want it all handed to me on a gold platter??? HELL ya. I prefer silver though. I admit it. Color me bad, I really don't give a shit. I know who I am and my faults. There ain't nothing that I don't already know about myself.

To go back to your post. I live in Cali. Steve lives in Cali, and so does Joey. Steve and I are very good friends. (We were pretty much just best friends for 5 years) Stay together I do not want to do. Live together I do not mind. There is an extra bedroom, so we can go from there. (and no you won't find me coming home all wasted and crawling in bed with him heheh)

Things with Steve and I won't get ugly. First of all we are NOT married. I was married for over 10 years and I won't do that again for shure. I have told him completely what I want, and if you know him.... everything is a business agreement. He even told me he loved me in a "business" voice. BARF. And no he nor Joey have never met, and probably would never meet. Steve would just say you leave me for THAT??? And Joey would end up beating the shit out of him. They are totally different people.

You are right about my "material," things. I am pretty much ghetto and have been all of my life. STRUGGLE. For the last five years I have not had a worry in the world money wise. But as of LOVE....it killed me.

I am a girl who needs alot of attention. (and deserves alot of it) Joey adores the SHIT out of me. That is what I need. (And to win the lottery of course)

Somebody invest in my great business decisions, and put me out of my misery.

Thanks so much for your input!

This steve seems like the nicest guy around- (aside from him being so loveless) things could be a lot worse indeed. So is there anything going on between you two at all?

Ironicly when I wrote the first response I heard this song called Joey by Concrete blonde the tale of love there is the oposite of your situation.

Do you love either of these men?

I still don't undersatnd steves attachment to you- does he have a limited sense of love or is this stricly sexual in nature? or are together to raise your child

Ummmmm hmmmmmm. Steve is a nice guy. He WAS my boss at a major newspaper. He WAS a player, I adored him, gave up my life for him, did EVERYTHING for him, for he was my knight in shining armour. I changed him. (his admittance) I made him feel loved, adored, and I helped him out of his drunken depression. He pretty much runs SEVERAL offices acrossed the US with my advice/input, and has done so successfully, in which I do believe (as does he), he would have NOT been able to accomplish without my support/input/new money making project ideas.

So.........I believe that is why he admires me so. (no girl in her right mind would talk business 24/7 )

ANYWAYS.... there is nothing between us anymore. At times I feel a little sorry for him for he does call drunk occasionally asking if I might need someone to "cuddle," with. Etc. Other than that since our split the only thing I or he did was I stupidly dropped something off to him, grabbed him and kissed the shit out of him. (then walked away) He stated later that he you know whated with his you know what just thinking about that, "kiss." Too bad he diddn't call to tell me how sexy it was, and to come back and kiss him again. But I can't change him. So he can eat me as far as im concerned.

Do I love either of them? Well when I think of Steve with someone else it hurts a little. ONLY because I don't want some chick around my son, and it hurts that I helped build him up to what he actually has now, in which some other chick eventually will be able to have?? Is have the word?? How about use. Hmmmmm. I don't know the word I am looking for.

Do I love Joey?? I believe so. My NUMBER one pet peave is I would NEVER be with someone with kids. NEVER. Call me a bitch, call me whatever, this is my life. I DO NOT need any baby mama drama, at ALL. It has nothing to do with the kids. Kids think I rock. (That reminds me, I have Brittney Spears tickets for tonight, lol>>>>>but I think i'm gona give them away to a friend of mine and her daughter) ANYWAY..... he has FIVE kids. You heard me right FIVE. AND he is backed up in child support to top that one off. Now for me to stay with him HAS to mean I love him right?? Or does this mean that it has been soooooo long since I have been adored I am actually "settling??" Not to mention, he is big, he is chubby, he is an x drug addict, x gangster, he has no car, and lives with his parents. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Did I just spill that?? I know, what am I thinking? It MUST be love right??

And Steves attachment to me has nothing to do with sex. We never had it, lol. His attachment to me is because I gave him what he always wanted. A family. A good ass fine woman who could be on his arm at business parties, where he could toast the "most wonderful woman in the world." A trophy so to speak. An envy to all of whom he came in contact with. Many a business deal went down due to the fact that I sold an idea to a client. I closed the deal.

Pimpjuice I say. I am overflowing with it.

Are you sure steve does not have strong feelings but just can't express them?

I thought Steve father'd your child- but you never had sex? Was there some sort of accident like putting on the wrong underwear or surprising him in the hot tub?

No strong feelings for me. There is no way. When he found out that I was with another, he did nothing to win me back at all. Shure... I got the usual, gift for Valentines, and my Birthday, but still he actually did nothing to try to win my love back. He just got more into his "business."

As for the sex thing. Yes he is the father of my four year old...... and yes we did have sex, on occasion, like every so often.... but you see...... I am a sexy Goddess.... for five years I never cheated, and had MANY a chance. I am a guy magnet.

So back to what I said before.... it's either addiction to work, or gayness. Personally I think both. For if you sleep beside a Goddess.....wouldn't you want to make love to her even if you DIDDN'T love her?? What if you loved her. What would be your problem then??? Now I am not "all that and a bag of chips..." But I do concider myself "all that." (minus the chips) So...... if there is love AND some testosterone.....where is the rompin in the sack?? I'M GOOD IN BED I SAY!! Hehehe. I believe he is gay. He just has to be.

Did you ever demand sex from him? or try the old surprise I am in Lingerie trick?- that always gets me...

he could be gay- does he like Lliberace? or does he speak a pronounced deliberare lisp? Does he hate watching any sporting activity? does he steal glances at men when he thinks your not looking or does he own any underwear catalouges?
these are the most basic warning signs if you said yes to any of these questions I would suspect he is indeed gay.

But let me also ask you this what if one day he comes home and says I have had it with this line of work - "I am going back to school and I want to be a poet" that big income is gone total lifestyle change what would you do?

Hahaha. Your silly. To answer your questions.....

Did I ever demand?? No. A girl like me needs not to demand, all i need to do is get naked. (but why do I have to.... where was the love, the kisses, the your so sexy baby let me strip you down to nothing?)

Lingerie?? I have tons. Some still with the tags still on. After you iniciate a billion times, you get pissed.... therefore I gave up on that.

I don't think he likes Liberace, but he does like Neil Diamond. Does that count??

He does like sports. Mainly the Yankees and the Vikings.... other than that, not really.

I never seen him steal a glance at a man.... but men seem to LOVE him.

No underwear mags. (that I know of)

If he decided to be a poet?? Hmmmmm then I would probably totally think he was gay. (not that I have ever met a gay poet...) just that if he said that it would top it all off. Lol.

Any more questions?? This is getting fun. Hehehe. Its been a GREAT night, I just scalped my Britney Spears tickets for nice cash, and met someone who works for Ozzy who is getting me back stage passes!! Whoo Hoo!!! (You never know... I might just meet a rock star who will sweep me off of my feet!!)

Have a beautiful night!

hey look i just read your little story with that guy and i think that you need to do what your heart tells you. maybe this new guy, was it joey?, isnt teh person for you either. maybe you are just settling for him becsue you want to be loved like he is loving you so much. let me ask you something. if you move away will you son move withyou or will you go by yourself? and i you do go by yourself then how will your son feel? i dont think that it would be fair on your son to do that to him. as for stevemaybe he does love you but dosent htink that you love him so therefore he hasnt tried to win you back becsue he belive it is pointless. as for him being gay.. i dont htink so i really dont see it. apart from you being a sex goddess and himnot having sex with you there is no other reason for you to think that he is gay. or is there? money dosent seem to be a problem and you sound lie you are beutifull so then why has is been so hard for you? i get the whole no love thing but plently of women live liek that. and they get the love they need from the child. maybe you should get more involved with your son adn love him so much that he loves you back just as much. that way there would atleast be that type of love but maybe steve just needs to leant to love you that way.. maybe you need to showhim that you need to be loved that way and show him how to do it.
i think you just need to sit down with steve and talk to him about what to do. tell him exactly how you feel. tell him exactly what you have told us. becasue how is he supossd to knwo it if u dont tell him. make your decison on what he tell you. make him understand. make him love you. but dont settle for soemthing that you dont consider the best. dont settle for someone you dont love. dont settle becasue he is givin you wat you want. you need love and so do other peole it isnt fair to that other guy to take his love that he is giving you and not return it mutually.
well ihope it all works out for you and i have helped a tiny bit
GOOD LUCK XOOXOX

If he was suddenly poor was more my point what would you do then? would he be of any use to you what so ever?

Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning.

To answer your questions Lifeasweknowit: (cool name btw)

Here we go...........

Your TOTALLY right about saying I should do what my heart tells me. That was mostly my point to my story. I was following my heart and I shall continue to do so reguardless of being MASSIVELY rich with no money worries, or SOOOO poor I can't pay the bills. (hehehe) If you don't have the love.... what do you have???

If I moved away my son would for SURELY come with me. Reguardless of my massive problems at this time.... I am, and have been a bad ass Mommy. My kiddos come first. You might find that hard to believe because of this whole wanting to leave blah blah blah, but you see, without a happy me, how long can I put on a front for my boyz?

You are right about Steve not trying to get me back because he might feel like I no longer love him. I came to that conclusion reciently.

About getting the love from my kids. YES I get TONS of love from them.... but you see... that is a TOTALLY different love. I feel love from Joey's kids as well... they all totally adore me....BUT it is sooooo different. Your love for your child is a different love than an adult form of love. Shoot.... if someone reads this can you please try to explain what i'm saying? I'd have to give several examples to try to explain what i'm trying to say, lol. So to the next question:

About talking to Steve: Steve and I are best friends. Steve and I talk about everything and ANYTHING. NOTHING has ever been hidden in the 5 years that we were together except at the end when I started being with Joey. By that time, I was soooo miserable I explained a billion times that his no love to me was killing me and eventually I would leave for someone else. He knew I would, but there was nothing he could/would do about it for his number one main concern was money, money, business, business, business. He admits it.

BTW lifeasweknowit::: You are quite wize at your young age.
You totally remind me of myself.

IRME: Hmmmmmmm. Not sure if you question is ment to me poopish, or truely a legit question, but I will answer it anyways.

If he was suddenly poor? I would feel sorry for him and because he is the father of my child, and I had been with him so long, I would do everything in my power to create another company with him. Him working in a drive thru would be a complete waste for such a smart mind. And yes he would still be of some use to me.... I still need a weekend babysitter.

Thanks for the input.... if you might be unclear of anything I wrote feel free to re-post to me.

BTW I have a MAJOR update.... but I need to wait until at least Sunday to be sure that my decision is still solid. My mind tends to change alot these days.

Color me B-Polar.... I really don't give a F***


Peace and love to all who reads this.
EVILIA

My question was legit.... what I was getting at was if your just using him for his money which your earlier posts hinted at well at least in my interpretation but it does seem that you do indeed care for him a great deal- you say you talk about everything and nothing is hidden aside from joey- now have you ever spoken to him directly about his lack of affection?

Yup, yup, yup. He admits it. But you see, IRME...(hey, it rhymes, hehehe) That whole situation is a "fart in the wind," hahahahahaha. I have gone on. I am woman. I am song.

I shall update at a later time.
Going hiking WAY the hell in the middle of nowhere on Sat, then gona pop the tent, and break out the bottle. There is nothing better than reflecting all thoughts in the presence of all that is earthly.

Pray that I make it back.
EVILIA