Work Jokes

> >From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes
100%?
> >What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
> >Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
> >We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
> >100%.
> >How about achieving 103%?
> >Here's a little mathematical formula! that might help you answer these
> >questions:
> >What makes up 100% in life?

> >If:
> >A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
> >is represented as:
> >1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

> >Then:
> >H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
> >8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

> >and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
> >11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

> >But,
> >A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
> >1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%

> >And,
> >B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
> >21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

> >AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
> >A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
> >1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

> >So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
> >While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,
> >And, Attitude will get you there,
> >Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

13 Rules For Work:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Army Rules To Live By

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
When you're ready for them.
When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed.

That was wonderful

Who knows what that image means